by Rep. Chip Daniels (D-MD)
I’ve been thinking about the economic crisis a lot lately. I guess a lot of people have. But I’m in Congress, so I have to, like, really think about it. Like, a lot. Anyway, while I was thinking, this thought came to me that was so obvious I couldn’t believe none of these award-winning economists had thought of it. This economy needs to win the lottery!
Think about it: what does the country need? A huge influx of cash, right? And what’s the problem with the way we’re planning to get the money now? We have to borrow it. But if we win the lottery, we get a huge amount of cash without having to borrow a penny. It’s perfect!
Oh, you think chances are slim that we’ll actually win? Well, think again, buddy. Chances aren’t slim when you have a billion tickets. They’re, like, the opposite of slim. They’re fat. They’re huge.
That’s right. A billion tickets. That’s the least I think we should buy. Now, I’ll leave the rest of the specifics to the so-called experts (who didn’t come up with this plan, by the way), because I’m not sure what would be best – buying several million tickets in a few different states, or putting all the billion tickets on the biggest pot available in one specific place. But either way, we’re going to make some easy millions. And, yes, we could use those millions to pump money into the economy. But you know would be even better than that? Pumping the millions back into a fund to buy more lottery tickets! That way we just keep winning, over and over again! It’ll be amazing.
Now, I’m aware that there might be laws on the books that forbid government officials, or the actual government, from participating in state lotteries. But we’re the congress. We can change that law in a second if we want to. And ask me if we should want to.
I honestly think, when historians look back, they’re going to be like, ‘Gosh, it’s so simple. Why did it take a congressman from Maryland to tell the smartest people in the world that there was this incredibly easy way to make a huge amount of quick cash?’ Well, firstly, because that congressman from Maryland happens to be wise beyond his years. And second, sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees. Even if your forest comes from economy school at Harvard or Yale. Me? I see the trees and the forest. And they’re both green. And so is money. And money’s awesome.
God bless America.
Mr. Daniels is a Democratic member of the House of Representatives. He represents Maryland’s 9th District.