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U.S. Test-Fires Long-Range Rhetoric

Washington – At approximately 1:13 a.m. EDT, The United States test-fired a package of long-range rhetoric which could potentially reach North Korea, the Defense Department announced today.

The payment, a bundle of warnings and outraged exclamations, fell just short of its intended target, an uninhabited island in an undisclosed area of the world. The payload of rhetoric sank into the ocean, according to Pentagon Press Secretary Geoff Morrell.

“The rhetoric very nearly hit its intended target, but missed by several hundred yards,” Mr. Morrell said. “A reconnaissance team is currently attempting to recover whatever remains of the payload. I’m happy to announce the team has already recovered one indignant outburst and one unsupported warning. So that’s great work.”

The rhetoric, said Mr. Morrell, was meant to intimidate North Korea’s leadership into halting its nuclear tests, which have set South Korea and much of the rest of the world on edge.

“We were hoping to persuade the North Korean government that there are consequences to this type of behavior,” Mr. Morrell said. “These are harsh words, some of them with a fair amount of passion and interesting word choice. And even though, in this case, the rhetoric sank into the ocean, the gesture was still there. And hopefully that gets across to the North Korean leadership – from under the water – the message that, ‘Yeah, we can reach you with this stuff. These words can get all the way to you. So watch out.'”

Mr. Morrell said there was no date set for another launch attempt. “We’ll have to see when we might be able to collect that number of statements from the current political personalities,” he said. “We’re hoping to do it before, you know, before they blow us up! Ha! No. Just kidding. We’ll do it soon.”

Mr. Morrell would not confirm rumors of a Pentagon plan to test-fire short-range invective in the near future.