Trust Me, You Don’t Want Me Reaching Across the Aisle
by Ted Stevens (R-Alaska)
I hear all this talk about “reaching across the aisle.” Everyone wants someone who reaches across the aisle. People never seem to stop wetting their pants talking about how much John McCain reaches across the aisle. Well, let me tell you something: I’m one guy you don’t want reaching across the aisle.
First of all, reaching across the aisle isn’t that hard. It’s an aisle, not a fucking lava pit. You want me to reach across the aisle? I could. I could be the most reachingest-across Senator that ever there was. But trust me. You don’t want that.
If I reach across that aisle, it won’t be like when other people do it. It won’t be to “get things done” or get some legislation passed or some such thing. It’ll be to find the most corrupt member of Congress on the other side of the aisle, and strike up a relationship with him or her, in order to skim the most cash we can from whatever funds we can get our hands on. The more sources of cash we can take from, the better.
For instance, let’s say there’s a bill going in front of the Senate regarding funding for children’s health issues. I’ll scan across that aisle, and I’ll look for the shiftiest Democrat I can find, and I’ll give my hand signal that tells another corrupt Senator that I’m one of his people. And then I’ll meet with this person. I’ll call a quick recess if I have to, citing a family emergency. Whatever it takes. But one way or the other, we’ll meet and we’ll discuss what additions we can make to that bill that will kick back the most cash to us. And we’ll discuss how best to hide them. Maybe we pull a fire alarm and then have a quick vote on the bill before people are back in the Senate chamber. Maybe we slip the page with our additions onto the bill after it’s already passed, and pretend it was there the whole time. However we do it, we’ll get our additions in there, and we’ll get our cash. And whatever money we get is money that isn’t going to improve the health of any kids – unless they’re our kids (and even then, I wouldn’t count on it.)
So what do you think? Would you like that? Do you think it would be a good idea? Do you want me to reach across the aisle? Or do you think it’s best if I just stay on my side of the aisle, and the Democrats stay on their side of the aisle, and we all go about our business of bending the laws to the people who give us the most money within our respective parties. Sound like a good idea? Good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a seat to return to – on my fucking side of the aisle.