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Top General: I Don’t Know About the Troops, But The Surge in My Pants is Working Like Gangbusters

Washington – A top U.S. General in Iraq testified today that, while he doesn’t know whether or not the so-called troop surge in Iraq is achieving the desired results, he does know for a fact that the surge occurring in his pants is achieving its desired results, and then some.

Testifying in front of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, General Howard B. Shannahan said, “Senators, I have to tell you, it’s pretty amazing, this surge that’s happening in my pants. I mean, it’s just working like hell. Just going like gangbusters. And I’m pleased as punch. We all are.”

Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware, the committee’s chairman, responded, “But what does that have to do with Iraq? The troop surge there? The war?”

“Oh, I have no idea,” General Shannahan said, giggling. “Nothing, I guess. I gotta be honest with you, Senator, I’m just too happy about what’s happening in my pants right now to be able to answer any of those kinds of questions intelligently.”

After some additional failed attempts were made to get relevant answers from General Shannahan regarding the troop surge, Mr. Biden was forced to adjourn the committee’s session for the day. Banging his gavel, Biden said, “We’ll reconvene tomorrow morning, and hopefully have something to talk about other than what’s happening in the general’s pants.”

“It’s fantastic!” Shannahan yelled, as the Senators filed out of the hearing room.