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Terrorist Smuggles Entire al-Qaeda Training Class Aboard Flight to U.S.

Chicago, Illinois – Officials at O’Hare International Airport, the Department of Homeland Security and the Transportation Security Administration are piecing together clues as to how an alleged terrorist was able to smuggle 12 of his al-Qaeda training school classmates onto a flight from Germany to Chicago in his carry-on luggage.

United Airlines flight 1110 was beginning its descent into O’Hare when a ticketed passenger, and a self-described member of an al-Qaeda training school, stood up and told everyone aboard they were witnessing a “dry run” of a terror attack he and his group hoped to repeat soon. He did not harm or attempt to harm anyone, according to witnesses. He said he merely wanted to, “See if we could do this, and just as I thought, we can.”

At that moment, he opened 12 of the plane’s overhead storage compartments, and out of each came one of his partners. The 12 men had apparently been in the overhead bins for nearly the entire nine and a half-hour flight from Frankfurt. Adding to the confusion of the rest of the passengers, the men took several moments to stretch and massage their aching and tight muscles while the leader yelled, “Stand up! Stop stretching! We’re supposed to look tough!”

The group’s apparent leader, whose name has not yet been released to the media, then addressed the rest of the passengers.

“See?” he said. “The guys back at school said, ’12? You’ll never do 12. The record is five!’ Well, here we are, infidels. 13 al Qaeda students, 12 of whom you didn’t know were here until two seconds ago!”

In addition to the 12 men he was able to smuggle aboard the flight in his bag, there were also 15 hand grenades, two rocket-propelled grenade launchers and 24 sub-machine guns hidden in various places on his person.

Apparently, however, the men were not well prepared for what would happen when they landed at O’Hare. When the leader of the group realized this, he said, according to witnesses, “Adeel, tell me the getaway plans aren’t on the kitchen table. Tell me that, Adeel!”

Meanwhile, the plane’s flight crew alerted airport and TSA personnel on the ground of the situation, and several dozen officers from the Chicago Police Department and agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigation were ready and waiting when the plane landed.

The 13 men were arrested, and the passengers held for questioning. Some seven hours after the flight, many passengers have been released, but some are still being questioned by authorities.

Representatives from the Transportation Security Administration and the Office of Homeland Security are frantically searching for answers.

“Obviously, this is a major breach of our security system, and we’re investigating how it could have occurred,” said Nathan DeMilt, a TSA spokesman. “At the current time, it appears that the man with a ticket successfully got through security with a bag full of his classmates. This man was also on the no-fly list, although that’s almost beside the point. The size of his carry-on alone should have aroused suspicion somewhere along the line.”

According to Mr. DeMilt, the TSA plans to institute strict new rules regarding carry-on baggage on flights into the United States.

“No passenger will be allowed to carry anything on board any flight into the United States,” DeMilt said. “Not a newspaper, not a baby, not even guilt. If you’re carrying some kind of heavy burden, you’ll have to check that at the gate.”