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Terrorist Disappointed His Search for Cesium-137 Returns No Results

Islamabad, Pakistan – A young terrorist wanting to be referred to as Michael Jackson for fear of his real name being exposed, said he is, “Disappointed and surprised,” that popular online retailer does not return a single listing for cesium-137. “Not even from an outside vendor?” Jackson asked, incredulous.

Cesium-137 is one of several radioactive materials that can be used to make a so-called “dirty bomb.” Jackson said he went to Amazon’s site hoping to find a last-minute gift for his cousin, also a terrorist. “It’s the holidays, and I know he would love cesium-137. But I procrastinated and now the holidays are upon us.” Jackson bristled when asked why a self-proclaimed Muslim terrorist would be celebrating Christmas in the first place. “Not Christmas. What do you think, I would celebrate with my cousin the holiday of American infidels, that makes all the rich, bloated American pigs pack their shopping malls? No! I speak of a holiday we, the terrorists celebrate. It’s called Jihadadan. It lasts a week. We buy each other gifts that can help bring about the destruction of infidels everywhere.”

Jackson was drawn to because he heard they have, “Everything you could imagine.” But he was disappointed upon finishing several searches, trying different keywords, word combinations, and spellings. “I should have known they didn’t really have ‘everything I could imagine.’ The man who told me this is very stupid. He’s as dumb as a goat. We call him ‘Dumb As A Goat.’ He does not like this.”

Now, Jackson says, he doesn’t know what he’s going to get his cousin. “What am I going to do, go out shopping for it? The black markets are a zoo this time of year. The crowds are out of control. No way.” He sighed, typing “slippers” into Amazon’s search field. Over 10,000 results were returned to him. “Ah, of course. This, they have. Gifts that help you be a fat, lazy, American pig who watches television and eats cheese-filled snacks until you fall asleep and dream of imperialistic meddling. Infidels!” He punched the desk in front of him and stared at the screen. “Now, what color do you think he would like?”