Secret Service: We Should Maybe Think About Locking the Doors

Washington – Against a backdrop of media reports which reveal the man who entered the White House earlier this month got further into the official dwelling than was originally reported, Secret Service Director Julia Pierson sent a memo to her staff where she suggested, among other things, “It might be time for us to take a look at locking the White House doors. Just spitballing here.” A copy of the memo was made available to The National Protrusion.

Omar J. Gonzalez, 42, scaled the exterior fence and entered the building through the open North Portico entrance. He was in possession of a knife.

Original reports indicated that Mr. Gonzalez was stopped just inside the North Portico entrance, but officials have now revealed that that Mr. Gonzalez in fact made it all the way through the East Room, after besting a female agent who confronted him when he first entered the building.

Ms. Pierson’s memo does not address the discrepancy in the reports or even the fact that Mr. Gonzalez made it so far inside the White House, but rather that me made it inside at all.

“I’m aware of the going theory,” she writes, “that we wouldn’t have to lock the doors because of the manpower and sheer volume of agents we have on the White House grounds. However, in light of recent events, it seems kind of odd to me that, should someone make it to the doors of the dwelling, they can in fact just open them and go inside.”

The memo continues, “This is something we might want to look at.”

Ms. Pierson also used the memo to remind the men and women under her command of their first duty.

“Let me reiterate at this point that your main objective should be keeping people out of the White House,” she writes. “That may be obvious to some of you, but I thought I would just mention it here, so as to stave off any potential misunderstanding.”


White House Suggests Uninsured Run Into Nearest Street, Shout, “Give Me Insurance!”

Washington – With the website often down for maintenance, and not working properly even when it is active, Obama Administration officials have suggested that uninsured individuals seeking health coverage could register by phone or by conventional mail. However, criticism has mounted since those options were suggested, due to the fact that the uninsured would still have to eventually be logged into the site to officially enroll, thereby not making either option an effective end-run around the problems with the web portal.

On Tuesday, the White House unveiled a new option for those looking to enroll in a health care plan: run into the street and shout, “Give me health care!”

The suggestion came from White House press secretary Jay Carney, in an answer to reporters questions at a daily press briefing.

“We understand the website is not operating as we would like, and that the other options, the phone option and the mail option, still present people seeking health insurance with a lot of the same difficulties,” Carney said. “So today we’d like to propose that those individuals seeking health coverage run into whatever major street is nearest to them, extend both arms as fully as possible and yell, ‘Give me health insurance!’ We have place literally hundreds of thousands of facilitators — or as we call them, Navigators — all over the country, and once they hear that cry, they will come running and take that individual’s information, and get them on the road toward getting fully enrolled in a health care plan that works for them.”

Carney was immediately asked whether that individual’s information would still have to be entered in the same web portal that is experiencing problems.

“Yes, it would,” he said. “And I see where you’re going with that. But, look, this option gets them on the road to enrollment, and that’s the important thing. Plus, it allows them to vent some steam at the same time. And we know people are frustrated. And after all, aren’t we talking about improving our health here? I mean, isn’t that’s what this is all about? That’s a healthy thing to do, to relieve some stress that way. Believe me, I just screamed in the parking lot for about twenty minutes, before I came in here. I felt a hundred times better afterwords.”


Rahm Emanuel Quietly Strangles Cleaning Woman Who Saw Classified Documents

Washington – Very quietly and without fanfare, President Barack Obama’s Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, strangled a female member of the White House cleaning staff who had inadvertently seen classified documents Mr. Emanuel had in an open briefcase. Mr. Emanuel said the strangling, “Went off without a hitch,” and he was back at work within a half hour.

The White House did not identify the woman except to say she was “a dedicated member of the White House cleaning staff for over 12 years” in a statement released Tuesday afternoon.


Bush Unlikely to Get White House Security Deposit Back

Washington – President Bush said he was “very disappointed” to learn that he will likely not be receiving any of the $3,000 security deposit he put down when he took over the White House in January of 2001. Mr. Bush said he had not expected to have the entire amount of the deposit returned, but was shocked to learn he would likely be receiving nothing at all.

Charles Lee, a spokesman for Anyuan Real Estate, the Chinese company which now owns the White House and leases it to the U.S. government, said the company could not return Mr. Bush’s deposit due in part to crayon drawings on several of the walls, most notably in the Oval Office.

“We found several drawings throughout the White House,” Mr. Lee told reporters. “Some were offensive, such as the many middle fingers on walls in various rooms. We found a half-eaten roast beef sandwich shoved into a hallway radiator, and damage to the springs and the base of the president’s bed in the Master Bedroom, apparently the result of someone jumping on it repeatedly. There was even a cartoon penis drawn on the wall in one of the bathrooms. As a result, it looks highly unlikely at this time that we will be able to return the deposit Mr. Bush gave us when we took over ownership in 2006.”

Sources say Mr. Bush would have received at least a portion of the $3,000, perhaps as much as $1,500, until an inspection last week revealed wads of bubble gum underneath nearly every desk in the White House.

“Okay, let me ask you this,” Mr. Bush said. “I’m chewing gum, right? Bubble gum. I’m blowing bubbles, enjoying myself. Well, Mary comes on the line and tells me I have a meeting with Pervez Musharraf in 5 minutes. So I keep chewing, figuring I have a good four minutes before I have to throw it out. Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I don’t get involved in whatever I’m reading, and that door opens and in walks Musharraf. Now, you’re me. What would you do? I’ll tell you what you do. You surreptitially take that gum out and put it under the desk. It’s your only choice. Otherwise you’re blowing bubbles in the President of Pakistan’s face. And trust me, he doesn’t like bubble gum.”

As for the drawings on the walls, Mr. Bush pointed out that he wasn’t drawing random pictures. “These were things related to the core issues of the day,” Mr. Bush said. “Pertinent things. They were maps of Iraq, budgets, names of leaders with little drawings of their faces, so I’d remember. Things like that. All right, there were a few middle fingers here and there. But come on. How funny is a middle finger? It’s the funniest thing in the world. You can’t resist it. No one can.”


Gonzales Keeps Prank-Calling White House

Washington – Over the past several weeks, White House Switchboard Chief Operator Mary Brontson says the switchboard has received up to a dozen prank calls a day from former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “I know he may be unhappy about not being Attorney General any more, and maybe he’s lonely or doesn’t have much to do or something like that,” Mary said, “But we have work to do. Important calls to take. We can’t be tied up answering prank calls from Mr. Gonzales all day.”

gonzales at home

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales with the telephone he uses to prank-call the White House.