Issa to Investigate Whether Obama Used Wrong Fork with Salad

Washington – Representative Darrell Issa of California plans to launch an investigation into whether President Obama used the wrong fork with his salad during dinner at the White House three months ago, Issa told reporters Tuesday. Rep. Issa is chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform committee, and he said he will use the full authority that position grants him to, “get to the truth, no matter where it leads.” He also said it is “extremely likely” there will be public hearings on the issue.

“I hold in my hand a fork,” Issa said during a press conference, holding a fork out in front of him so that the reporters in attendance could clearly make it out. “This is a dinner fork. Not, I repeat not, a salad fork. However, it has come to the attention of the Oversight Committee that President Obama, some three months ago, quite possibly used this fork not only to eat his meal, but also to eat his salad prior to the meal. This is a clear violation of standard etiquette and not an act which befits the President of the United States.”

Rep. Issa has already presided over hearings on everything from the IRS to Benghazi to the website, usually with the aim of bringing to light misbehavior or wrongdoing on the part of members of the Obama administration or other government officials. Many have criticized his zeal in bringing investigations and holding hearings that fail to uncover much actual malfeasance. This issue, however, is no false scandal, according to Issa.

“It is the job of this committee to conduct oversight on the federal government, and bring to light bad behavior on the part of government officials, no matter how powerful they are, or what position they hold in this or any other administration,” Issa said. “That must include the president, himself. Otherwise, the idea of oversight is completely pointless. Someone needs to get to the bottom of what happened here, with this fork, and that is what I intend to do.”

Issa was reluctant to provide any details regarding evidence he may possess, preferring to “wait until the investigation has concluded.” He would only say that the incident in which President Obama allegedly used the improper fork occurred during dinner in the White House Dining Room, attended by Mr. Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, and that it happened approximately three months ago.

“The facts will come out, in due time,” Issa said. “And when they do, the truth about what occurred with the fork in question will be out in the open, for all to see. I look forward to that day.”


Gonzales Urges Local Subway to Implement Enhanced Sandwich-Making Techniques

Washington – It was revealed yesterday that former Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales has recently been spending much of his time urging a nearby Subway restaurant to implement new, enhanced sandwich-making techniques. Gonzales said the techniques would “greatly increase the rate and success of sandwich-making.”

“I’m telling you, the way you’re doing things now is just crazy,” Gonzales told Albert Mendleson, the manager of the Subway restaurant at 1331 F Street. “You go soft on people when you’re making these sandwiches, it takes forever. They want pickles. No, no, they want cucumbers. They want ketchup. They don’t. They do. It’s insane. So what I suggest is this: enhanced techniques. You get lettuce, and that’s it. You don’t like it, you get nothing. And I’m telling you, that line will move.”

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales at a Washington, D.C. area Subway restaurant.
Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales at a Washington, D.C. area Subway restaurant.

It remains unclear whether Gonzales, who has had a difficult time securing employment in the private sector since resigning as Attorney General, is simply bored and has chosen to focus his attention on the Subway matter, or if he is angling for some kind of management position within the company or at a particular store. Whatever the reason for Gonzales’s interest, Mendleson seemed hesitant to take up the suggestion. “I have to clear everything with corporate,” Mendleson tried to explain. “I mean, I can’t make changes to the paint color in the bathrooms without their OK, let alone something like this. You know, increased, uh, whatever that thing was you said.”

Enhanced. It’s enhanced,” Gonzales snapped. “Look, I don’t see how they could be against it. First of all, it’ll increase productivity, because it will take a fraction of the time to make each sandwich. It’s cost-effective, because you’re going to use less vegetables and condiments. And it lets people know, you come to Subway, you’re going to eat it the way they want it or you’re not going to eat at all. In fact, we could make it go further, and say if you complain about your sandwich, you’re locked in a room with no light for seven days. I don’t know. I’m just throwing things out there.”

Mendleson hesitated, then said, “Um, listen, I know you’ve been in a lot of important positions and whatnot, but what you’re suggesting is giving people no choice whatsoever in what kind of sandwich they get.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” Gonzales replied. “Why should they get a choice? Because Jared tells them they should?”

“But, why would they want to come here then?” Mendleson asked.

Gonzales seemed stumped for a moment, then he seemed to give up his fight. “You know what, you do what you want,” Gonzales said. “It’s your loss. I can’t make you see reason if you refuse to. Just give me a footlong tuna on white, will you? And an application.”


Study Finds Lifelong Link Between Bush, Flawed Intelligence

Washington – A Pentagon-sponsored study to be released Friday has found that President Bush has relied on deeply flawed intelligence since his birth. The report finds the intelligence, given to Bush by Bush, has been “almost wholly flawed,” and that it “has led to what appears to be an unending series of misguided decisions and actions, which have sometimes led to injury to George W. Bush or to others.”

The nonpartisan commission, formed by the Pentagon to delve into intelligence failings prior to the 2003 invasion of Iraq, engaged in extensive research of the intelligence Mr. Bush received prior to the war. What they discovered, according to Jason Margline, one of the report’s authors and a member of the commission, was that the problem was much deeper.

“We didn’t anticipate the extent of this,” Margline said. “We kept going further and further back, and eventually realized the issue wasn’t just with the intelligence prior to the war, but to President Bush’s intelligence throughout his entire life.” Margline said the committee found evidence of several stark instances where Mr. Bush’s flawed intelligence nearly led to disaster. “For instance, when he was seven, he tried to eat a rock. He thought it was an egg. And from the research we conducted, it seems his brain did in fact interpret the rock as an egg. Of course, it wasn’t, it was a rock. And naturally, his mother and father were alarmed when he bit into it. Several times.”

A few years later, another incident occurred, this one coming when Mr. Bush was about fifteen years old. “He was out on a boat with his brother, Jeb. And they were fishing. And when they were done, they pulled the boat to shore and got out of the boat. Well, George told Jeb he wanted to take a swim. So he removed his shirt and shoes, and jumped off the boat and into the sand. Jeb looked at him, startled, as George made swimming motions and tried to dive down deeper into the sand. And, of course, that didn’t work.”

President Bush, when asked about the report’s findings, said, “Well, I don’t put too much weight in these studies. Or I don’t put too many weight. Which is it, too much or to many weight? Well, anyway, what I was going to say is, the report is mistaken. My intelligence is completely satisfactory. No, it’s better than satisfactory. It’s inadequate.”


U.S. to Stay on Offense Against Terror Until War is Won, or Until It Gets Very Tired

Washington – President Bush said today that the United States will stay “on the offensive against the terrorists and terror networks across the globe, right up until it gets really exhausting for us. Then, we’ll give it a rest.”

Bush addressed the press to solidify his administration’s stance on terrorism, namely that the U.S. must remain “on offense.” “We all know that offense is where you score points, where you really do damage against that other team. But everyone knows, offense doesn’t last forever. At some point, there’s a break. There’s halftime, there are time outs, so on. So let me pledge that we will remain on offense until this war on terror is won, or at least until halftime. I think, after all, that’s only fair.”

Reporters were allowed to ask questions following the president’s prepared remarks. Some questioned what the “offensive” strategy has yielded so far in the war on terrorism.

bush at lectern

“Well, I don’t even see how you can ask that question,” Bush responded. “I mean, it’s been awfully successful so far. I mean, we’ve killed, how many, 500 number 2 al Qaeda members? I don’t know why they have so many number 2s, but I think we’ve almost got them all now. Maybe there a few stray ones somewhere out there, in some cave. But we’ll get them too. We get all the number 2s.”

An Associated Press reporter then noted that the public might be wondering why Osama Bin Laden has still not been found, six and half years after the 9/11 terror attacks.

“Well, he hasn’t been found because he’s very good at hiding,” Bush said. “He’s wily, you might say. Like the coyote. But he’s like a coyote with kidney problems. Or liver problems, or whichever organ he has that’s malfunctioning. He’s wily. And he’s good at hiding. But you know what we’re good at? Finding people that are good at hiding. That’s what we do. That’s how we found all those number 2 guys. And we found Saddam, too. And he was underground. In a hole. So I don’t doubt we’ll find Osama Bin Laden. He’ll turn up sooner or later. And when he does, we’ll snatch him up, and we’ll bring him to justice. Swift justice. Unless, you know, the Saudi royal family has some kind of… some kind of recommendation. Then we’ll have to see where we are at that point. But we’ll do it swiftly.”