Categories
World

U.S. Extends Terror Alert Through End of News Cycle

Washington – The U.S. State Department is extending the worldwide terror warning it issued two days ago, until the end of the current news cycle, according to officials. The officials stressed this was not indicitive of a new threat, but a continuation of the original one, which cited an “unspecified threat against unknown targets,” most likely perpetrated by operatives of an al Qaeda affiliate in the Arabian Peninsula.

Officials continued to offer no further details about a specific time or target of the threat, but said they are now, “more certain than ever it will occur in Europe, Africa, or Asia. Possibly elsewhere.”

This morning, State Department spokesman John Crowley notified the media the State Department was extending the warning “until at least the end of this current news cycle.”

“We don’t have details on where specifically the threat might be targeted, and we don’t know exactly when it is intended to occur,” Crowley said, “but we do know we want it to be the top story for the next few days or so.”

Crowley added that the warning might wind down sometime this weekend.

“We issued the threat on Sunday night/Monday morning,” he said. “We’re looking at possibly lessening the severity, starting on Friday or maybe Saturday.”

Asked for details on what prompted the extension, Crowley noted “an abundance of caution,” due to the unusually high level of chatter.

“And this is not just your usual chatter,” Crowley added. “This is very sophisticated, high-level stuff. It’s some of the best chatter I’ve ever seen.”

Categories
National

Man Kind of Disappointed NSA Isn’t More Interested in His Phone Calls

Santa Clara, CA – Mitch Benson, a computer programmer, is feeling a little down in the dumps lately. It seems the NSA is not interested in the content of his phone calls.

“It just kind of sticks in your craw a bit,” Benson said. “I mean, what’s wrong with me? I make interesting phone calls. Maybe not to a foreign country, or to a terrorist, but sometimes to some really weird people who say crazy shit. Doesn’t that count? Don’t I warrant some kind of stricter review?”

Benson said it’s unfair that only calls to and from someone living in a foreign country, or calls involving someone the NSA considers a “target,” might have their content recorded. For U.S. calls, it appears only the metadata is recorded, or the information on what number called which other number, not the content of the calls itself.

“It’s stupid, all this attention on foreign countries. What about me? I’m an American. I pay taxes. I deserve some attention, too,” Benson said. “You’re going to spend all that money to record somebody in Pakistan? How about you put some money into us here at home? Record some of us, for a change.”

Benson said it is some relief that his emails may be monitored more closely, as he thinks he has sent and received emails from people living in other countries. But that relief is small, and it doesn’t go very far.

“It’s not the same,” he said. “Any idiot anywhere can send an email. I get one a day from some guy in India saying I can claim his inheritance.”

Categories
World

Terrorist Smuggles Entire al-Qaeda Training Class Aboard Flight to U.S.

Chicago, Illinois – Officials at O’Hare International Airport, the Department of Homeland Security and the Transportation Security Administration are piecing together clues as to how an alleged terrorist was able to smuggle 12 of his al-Qaeda training school classmates onto a flight from Germany to Chicago in his carry-on luggage.

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NPN The Mack Truck

Should Terror Suspects be Tried in U.S. Courts? – The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show

Categories
World

CIA Inadvertently Destroys Two Senators

Washington – General Michael V. Hayden, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, testified on Capitol Hill today that the CIA “inadvertently destroyed two senators” who were at the agency’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia to hold a meeting with him. The two Senators were Tom Harkin, Democrat of Iowa, and Kit Bond, Republican of Missouri, both members of the U.S. Senate Appropriations Subcommittee on Defense. They were scheduled to meet with Hayden and other CIA officials regarding budgetary issues.

Around 10:00 AM this morning, Hayden informed members of Congress that “an incident” had occurred at CIA headquarters, and that Harkin and Bond had been accidentally destroyed. He was immediately summoned to Capitol Hill to testify before the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs as to what exactly occurred. Hayden and the CIA are already the subject of multiple investigations regarding the destruction of several hundred hours of videotape, allegedly showing controversial interrogation techniques being used on detainees in the CIA’s custody. Hayden told the committee members that the incident involving the two senators was purely accidental.

CIA seal

“It is indeed unfortunate that these two Senators were destroyed,” Hayden said, reading from a prepared statement. “I want this committee and the American people to know that the destruction was not the result of any improper action being undertaken by anyone at the CIA related to destroying any type of evidence. For instance, it was not something related to a giant incinerator, which someone wanting to destroy videotapes or other documentation might use to reduce those items to ash or fine particles. It was nothing of this sort. It was nothing, I might add, along the lines of a technician manning this hypothetical incinerator eating a sandwich and getting a piece of cheese lodged in the control panel, causing a technical malfunction that resulted in the senators being sucked into the incinerator. This is not, I assure you, what happened in this case.”

Hayden then thanked the committee and sat back in his chair, having apparently completed his statement. A stunned group of senators stared in disbelief at one another. Mark Pryor, Democrat of Arkansas, immediately began the direct questioning, asking, “General, you just told us what didn’t happen. What did happen, sir?”

Hayden responded, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your question. What did you say?”

“I asked you what happened, General. And I have to say, it sounded to me from that statement like those things you said didn’t happen, actually did happen. Is that true?”

“I’ll tell you, it’s like you’re speaking another language,” Hayden said. “Now what was that again?”

“What happened, General?”

“‘Ah bee-bu booboh-bleek.’ That’s all I’m getting. I’m sorry.”