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New Season of “24” to Feature Kiefer Sutherland Piloting Unmanned Drone for 24 Continuous Hours

Pasadena, CA – The Fox network announced Monday that its hit drama, “24,” would return for a new season, beginning in May of 2014. The new season will run 12 episodes and will feature Jack Bauer, played by Kiefer Sutherland, piloting an unmanned drone for 24 continuous hours, as he tries to find and take out targets in terrorist-rich areas in Yemen and Pakistan.

Bauer will encounter complications when he’s about to take out his first target, according to a Fox executive connected with the show, who spoke about the series on condition of anonymity. The complications will force Bauer to change plans on the fly, thereby causing him to continue piloting the drones nonstop, while also ratcheting up the excitement for viewers.

“We’re excited about the new season,” the exectuive said*. “’24’ is close to the hearts of a lot of fans because of its exciting, nail-biting tension. That won’t change with this new season, even if Jack Bauer is seated in the same chair throughout the 12 episodes. He’s Jack Bauer. Trust me, he’ll make it exciting.”

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National

Nation Shocked Man who Imitates Ducks For Living Not Enlightened about Sexuality and Race

New York, NY – The A&E network has suspended ‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson “indefinitely” over comments he made to GQ magazine about homosexuals and blacks. The nation, meanwhile, is shocked that a man who is a professional imitator of ducks doesn’t appear to have enlightened views on sexuality and race.

“I can’t believe it,” said Pamela Atheson of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, an avowed fan of the number one rated nonfiction show in the history of television. “These guys are sophisticated and world-wise, and I expect them to have mature views on things like gay rights and race relations. I guess I was wrong.”