Categories
National

FDA Orders Recall of Thousands of Tainted Beefcakes

Washington – The Food and Drug Administration said today that it was ordering over 30,000 tainted beefcakes, or muscular, well-toned men, recalled, for fear they had been contaminated due to the way in which they were harvested. Reaction from the beefcake industry was swift.

“We harvest our beefcakes with the utmost care and concern for their well-being,” said Jim Evermore, a spokesman for the beefcake industry. “One beefcake comes down with the flu, and suddenly we’re careless breeders of unhealthy beefcakes. This is untrue to the point of being insulting. We care about each and every one of our beefcakes.”

Millions of women and gay men keep pictures of beefcakes in their rooms, lockers or in more clandestine places. The beefcakes that were recalled will undergo rigorous testing before to determine whether or not they can be re-released into the marketplace.

Categories
National

Straight Idiots Free to Marry, Reproduce at Will

KANSAS CITY, Kansas – Kansas voters yesterday approved an amendment to their state constitution banning gay marriage, with roughly 70% voting for the amendment and only 30% opposing. Meanwhile, Tennessee residents approved the “Multiply With Whiskey Not Math” provision, as it was nicknamed in local papers, which allows stupid Tennesseans to marry and have children as often as they would like. 68% of voters approved the provision, and 32% said they didn’t understand the question.

Marjorie Wilkes, a stupid person living in Knoxville, Tennessee, said, “Well, I may be on the sort of slow side or whatever, but that doesn’t mean they should be able to tell me I can’t marry some lowlife sonofabitch and have lots of little bastards who’ll be just like him and do the same thing to women that he did to me. That’s what I did, and it’s my God-given right.”

Jacob Pittlefree was asked about what one could infer based on the two votes about the role of the state versus the role of the federal government regarding the issue of marriage. He said, “What?” He was then asked again. “Well, yeah, I mean, the gays might be valuable citizens and productivate things and be smart and all that, but they’re gay. Like, my wife and me, we’re not–I mean, we have one tooth between us, okay? And we share it. But–But, I mean, we may be dumb and whatever, and not contributing to society at all and whatnot, but at least we don’t do what gay people do. The Bible says not to. It’s as simple as that. The Bible doesn’t say you can’t be dumb. Nowhere in there does it say, ‘Thou shall not be really freakin’ stupid.’ Thank God.”

Tennessee Senator Bill Frist praised his state’s decision. “This is a great day for morons everywhere. I think this proves that in the great state of Tennessee, every person except some homo is equal under the law. You can be dumb as an ox, and you’re free to do what any person of average intelligence can do, even though you can’t do most of those things. But the potential is there. And that’s important.”

Categories
National

Alcohol Still The Best Solution

New York, NY – James Eggleton, a 20-something corporate climber, just had a near shouting match with his wife of two years on his cell phone. He’s incredibly tired lately, he says, and is also angry for no reason, especially at the couple’s 8-month-old daughter. He is also drunk.

It’s 5:30 on a Thursday evening, and James sits in the corner sports bar he frequents, McNulty’s. Here he sees friends, and talks through problems. He also drinks.

“Usually around six or seven beers on weeknights, more on weekends,” James says. His friends say it’s about the same for them. They say when they have a rough day, some problem, they know where to turn. “It’s this,” James says, holding up his run and coke with a smile. “This takes me home again. And I’m fine… until the next day. You know. ‘Cause sometimes I throw up at work.”

Across the country, in Santa Clarita, California, the middle-aged regulars at local watering hole The Chip Shot seem to be battling different problems. But the solution is the same. “My son just had to go to rehab for fucking heroin,” says William Jefferson, a former college football player. He chugs from his pint glass in disgust. “Man, these drugs. Fucking killers. Thank God we’ve declared war o them in this country. Another one here!”

Alcohol Still The Best Solution

Categories
Business/Economy

Wal-Mart Employees Breathe Freely, Often Move at Will

Little Rock, Arkansas – Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. chief executive Lee Scott is out to bolster the image of the gigantic company, having launched a series of print ads intended to point up positive attributes of the chain.

“There are lots of positives. Restrooms, for example,” Scott said, speaking by phone. “We offer air, water, the freedom to walk around on Fridays. We want to get that truth out there, and repair this falsely tarnished image.”

John Herckmen, a former Wal-Mart employee, was run over and killed in the parking lot outside the Birmingham, Alabama store he stocked shelves in. He was then told to go back to work. When he did not return, he was fired for poor performance.

But Annie McClusky, who shops at the Birmingham store, said the incidence doesn’t mean she should have to pay high prices. “I mean, I like my cheese-nips, and I’m sorry a man died and all, but I’m saving 50 cents every damn time. I mean, come on here.”

Wal-Mart Employees Breathe Freely, Often Move at Will