News Feature

What Else Has Mike Rogers Accused Edward Snowden of Doing?

On NBC’s “Meet the Press” Sunday, Representative Mike Rogers of Michigan, the chairman of the Intelligence Committee, said that “every counterintelligence official” believes Edward Snowden is working for Russian intelligence services in some capacity. This was not the first time Mr. Rogers has made the allegation, though he has offered no proof to substantiate his claim. In light of his new assertion, The National Protrusion thought it fitting to ask, What Else Has Mike Rogers Accused Edward Snowden of Doing?

  • Being Vladimir Putin, in a terrible disguise.
  • Playing bass for Pussy Riot.
  • In addition to supplying classified information to Russian government officials, also giving them highly sought-after beauty tips.
  • Revealing which member of President Obama’s cabinet is known in intelligence circles as “Tailor.”
  • Providing information on how Mike Rogers, the chairman of the Intelligence Committee, often makes unsubstantiated claims about intelligence matters.

Snowden Further Embarrasses U.S. by Winning Gold Medal for Russia in Cross-Country Skiing

KRASNAYA POLYANA, RUSSIA – Former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, who leaked a trove of classified documents to media outlets, further embarrassed the United States of America by winning a gold medal in cross-country skiing for Russia, with a time of 1:08:15.4. Marcus Hellner of Sweden won the silver, and Martin Johnsrud Sundby of Norway won the bronze.

“I am happy to win this for Russia, who took me in, in my time of need,” Snowden said. “That’s really all I wish to say at this point.”

Snowden was whisked away shortly after the medal ceremony, escorted by several Russian security vehicles. American Civil Liberties Union attorney Ben Wizner, who is a legal adviser to Snowden, said Snowden wished to be left alone by the media and the fans, though he appreciates their support.

Snowden’s participation in the Sochi Games was kept under wraps, but had been the subject of heated rumor for nearly a week. Once his name was announced as a competitor, chaos erupted as reporters rushed to send their reports to their various news outlets and scrambled their photographers for better shots.

White House officials say they were made aware of Snowden’s participation in the games shortly before 9AM Monday morning, when President Obama received a call from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The Russian leader said he didn’t want to embarrass Obama and the U.S. by having them hear about Snowden’s participation via news reports, according to Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.

“Mr. Putin was cordial and said he hoped the participation by Mr. Snowden in the games would not hurt U.S.-Russia relations,” Mr. Carney told the press at an afternoon briefing. “President Obama appreciated the call, but I think it’s safe to say he would have liked to have been informed about this sooner.”

Asked whether the U.S. tracked Snowden back to his location, following the medal ceremony, Carney claimed not to be aware of any such action.

“I’m not aware of us following him or tracking him, no,” Carney said. He then said that issue was closed, and the White House would have no further comment on it.

As for Mr. Putin, he said that while he was concerned about what Snowden’s participation in the games would mean for relations between his country and the U.S., right now he was focused on Mr. Snowden’s victorious performance.

“This is a proud day for Russia, to be certain,” Mr. Putin said. “Edward Snowden has shown himself to be a true hero today. To Mr. Obama, I say, you need better intelligence, no? You didn’t even know this man was a world-class cross-country skier? Maybe hire some new people at your celebrated CIA.”


NSA Announces Brianna Morris Has Very Impressive Netflix Queue

Washington – General Keith Alexander, director of the National Security Agency, appeared before the House Intelligence Committee Tuesday to announce that Brianna Morris of Piscataway, New Jersey has, “quite an impressive and eclectic list of movies in her Netflix streaming queue.”

“Analysts reported films ranging from Fellini’s ‘Casanova’ to ‘Hunger Games,’ and everything in between,” Alexander said in his opening statement. “Ms. Morris’s queue was the best and most diverse list agents and analysts have seen in quite some time.”

The N.S.A. reviews millions of lists of movies, songs, books and other forms of entertainment while scooping up massive amounts of data pertaining to Americans’ activities online and elsewhere.


Obama: Snowden Can Make His Case in Court, Like Any Other Guilty Traitor

Washington – During a press conference Monday, President Obama denied that former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, the leaker of classified information regarding U.S. government surveillance programs, was a patriot or a hero, and pointed out that the 29-year-old systems administrator had other, “more reasonable” options, besides leaking details of the programs to journalists.

The president was responding to a question from Chuck Todd of NBC News, and he was unequivocal in his denouncing of Snowden’s decisions, including his accepting a year-long offer of temporary asylum in Russia, where he now resides.

“Edward Snowden is not a patriot or a hero, in my book,” the president said. “There are other avenues he could have taken. He could have come back here, to the United States, and faced the charges against him, like any other traitor to this nation, whom we know to be guilty. He would have let us incarcerate him without due process in a Supermax prison, where he would likely be stripped of his clothes, put in solitary confinement, and denied any of the basic rights that most human beings enjoy, including the right to privacy. He would have had no right to visitors and only occasional consultations with an attorney. He would have been given something approximating a trial, and quickly found guilty of the crimes we already know he committed, with the result of probably being incarcerated for the rest of his natural life in horrible conditions. Now, why he chose a different path, I can’t say, but he did.”

Snowden has not commented on Obama’s remarks, though his specific whereabouts in Russia are unknown at this time and it may be exceedingly difficult for him to make any public statements.

At another point in the press conference, Obama admitted there was “tension” with Russian President Vladimir Putin over his refusal to extradite Snowden to the United States and instead offer him asylum. This even after a letter from Attorney General Eric Holder to Russia’s minister of justice, which said, in part, “Seriously, we’re not going to kill him. You can totally send him back.”

Asked if Snowden was “brave,” Obama denied that, as well.

“If his conscience bothered him and he thought what was going on was wrong, before he chose to break the law, he could have gone to the proper authorities and told them what he thought was wrong,” Obama said. “He would have been ignored, or fired, or possibly charged with some unrelated crime and discredited, maybe disgraced in some sex scandal created out of whole cloth by the CIA, but he could have done it, and it would have been the right thing to do. And that’s the point.”

Obama was also asked if Snowden had reason to be concerned about his treatment in light of the finding of the UN special rapporteur on torture related to the treatment of PFC Bradley Manning, who was convicted of leaking troves of classified documents and other information to WikiLeaks. The U.N. rapporteur found the U.S. guilty of cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of Manning, who was held in solitary confinement for almost a year, and stripped of his clothes on several occasions.

“I don’t think that’s relevant at all,” Obama said. “They’re different people. It’s apples and oranges. No, it’s even more different than that. It’s apples and Cadillacs.”


U.S. Less Hospitable to Whistleblowers than Country That Poisons Them with Polonium

Washington – When Edward Snowden, the former intelligence contractor who leaked classified information about vast NSA information-gathering capabilities, accepted a year-long temporary asylum offer from Russian authorities, it was the clearest proof yet of what many have suspected for a long time — the United States is now more hostile toward whistleblowers and leakers of classified information than most countries on earth, including countries that have them killed with poisonous, radioactive material.

This includes even Russia, whose leadership was thought by many to have been behind the poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko with a radioactive isotope of Polonium, Polonium-210. He became violently ill, shortly after meeting with former Russian agents in the United Kingdom, where he had been granted political asylum, and he died within weeks. Litvinenko was a former officer in the Russian secret service who publicly blew the whistle on what he claimed was the ordered assassination of tycoon Boris Berezovsky. He went on to reveal several other criminal acts by Russian leadership, which included Vladimir Putin.

Snowden, who was virtually trapped in the transit area of the Moscow airport for over a month, apparently found the leadership thought to be responsible for the alleged murder of Litvinenko to be a safer bet than returning home and facing justice in the United States. Another prominent U.S. whistleblower, Bradley Manning, was recently convicted of several acts of espionage, and faces up to 136 years in prison.

“I wouldn’t come home either, if I was in his place,” said Mark Jacobi, a criminal justice professor at Georgetown University. He points out that the Obama Administration and its Justice Department have waged a remarkably vicious war against whistleblowers and others involved in the leaking of classified information.

“This administration has charged double the number of people under the Espionage Act than all previous administrations combined. They’ve tapped reporters phones, they’ve gone after journalists. This is not a nice administration, if you’re into disclosing information that the powerful might not want disclosed. I know one guy who told a reporter what the White House lunch special was, and he’s now in several different pieces, all over the world.”