Secret Service: We Should Maybe Think About Locking the Doors

Washington – Against a backdrop of media reports which reveal the man who entered the White House earlier this month got further into the official dwelling than was originally reported, Secret Service Director Julia Pierson sent a memo to her staff where she suggested, among other things, “It might be time for us to take a look at locking the White House doors. Just spitballing here.” A copy of the memo was made available to The National Protrusion.

Omar J. Gonzalez, 42, scaled the exterior fence and entered the building through the open North Portico entrance. He was in possession of a knife.

Original reports indicated that Mr. Gonzalez was stopped just inside the North Portico entrance, but officials have now revealed that that Mr. Gonzalez in fact made it all the way through the East Room, after besting a female agent who confronted him when he first entered the building.

Ms. Pierson’s memo does not address the discrepancy in the reports or even the fact that Mr. Gonzalez made it so far inside the White House, but rather that me made it inside at all.

“I’m aware of the going theory,” she writes, “that we wouldn’t have to lock the doors because of the manpower and sheer volume of agents we have on the White House grounds. However, in light of recent events, it seems kind of odd to me that, should someone make it to the doors of the dwelling, they can in fact just open them and go inside.”

The memo continues, “This is something we might want to look at.”

Ms. Pierson also used the memo to remind the men and women under her command of their first duty.

“Let me reiterate at this point that your main objective should be keeping people out of the White House,” she writes. “That may be obvious to some of you, but I thought I would just mention it here, so as to stave off any potential misunderstanding.”


Fisher Price Chatter Phone Has Been Cooperating with NSA Since 2003

East Aurora, NY – The incredibly popular Fisher Price Chatter Phone, enjoyed by young children across several generations, has been cooperating with National Security Agency surveillance efforts since 2003, documents obtained by The National Protrusion reveal.

“We have no comment on this report, as we have not had a chance to review the documents in question,” said Claire Dunleavy, a spokesperson for Fisher Price, said in a statement.

The document dump, made up mostly of classified internal NSA emails, show several agents talking about, “the arrangement with Chatter Phone,” and the “agreement we’ve reached with Chatter Phone regarding recording device insertion.”

According to the documents, the NSA reached a secret agreement with the Chatter Phone to allow NSA operatives to insert a chip inside it, beginning in 2003. That chip then recorded data from each phone call, such as the location and duration of the call, unbeknownst to consumers.

The NSA stressed that the content of the phone calls was not recorded, and has not yet been reviewed in any way. “At no time was any of the content of any phone call listened to or downloaded,” NSA spokesperson Brad Nagler said in a statement released to the media. “We are conducting an internal investigation into the matter and will release our findings when it is appropriate to do so.”

The Chatter Phone was released in 1962 as the “Talk Back Phone,” and has been very popular among young children, usually between the ages of 12 and 36 months, ever since. Children pull the toy by a string, and it makes noise. It also allows children to use its rotary dial, which rings a bell, and use the receiver as they might a real phone, thereby teaching them how to use a telephone. It is those pretend phone calls made by children that the NSA apparently wanted to collect data about.

Some parents with children who have used the Chatter Phone aren’t assuaged by the NSA’s assurances.

“I feel completely violated,” said Theresa Abrams of New Jersey, who has bought the chatter phone for each of her three children. “To think those kids are making their little pretend calls, thinking nothing of it, and meanwhile the government is recording it all. It’s very disturbing.” She continued, “I won’t ever buy another Fisher Price product again, unless it has Elmo on it. My littlest one loves Elmo.”


U.S. Extends Terror Alert Through End of News Cycle

Washington – The U.S. State Department is extending the worldwide terror warning it issued two days ago, until the end of the current news cycle, according to officials. The officials stressed this was not indicitive of a new threat, but a continuation of the original one, which cited an “unspecified threat against unknown targets,” most likely perpetrated by operatives of an al Qaeda affiliate in the Arabian Peninsula.

Officials continued to offer no further details about a specific time or target of the threat, but said they are now, “more certain than ever it will occur in Europe, Africa, or Asia. Possibly elsewhere.”

This morning, State Department spokesman John Crowley notified the media the State Department was extending the warning “until at least the end of this current news cycle.”

“We don’t have details on where specifically the threat might be targeted, and we don’t know exactly when it is intended to occur,” Crowley said, “but we do know we want it to be the top story for the next few days or so.”

Crowley added that the warning might wind down sometime this weekend.

“We issued the threat on Sunday night/Monday morning,” he said. “We’re looking at possibly lessening the severity, starting on Friday or maybe Saturday.”

Asked for details on what prompted the extension, Crowley noted “an abundance of caution,” due to the unusually high level of chatter.

“And this is not just your usual chatter,” Crowley added. “This is very sophisticated, high-level stuff. It’s some of the best chatter I’ve ever seen.”


Man Kind of Disappointed NSA Isn’t More Interested in His Phone Calls

Santa Clara, CA – Mitch Benson, a computer programmer, is feeling a little down in the dumps lately. It seems the NSA is not interested in the content of his phone calls.

“It just kind of sticks in your craw a bit,” Benson said. “I mean, what’s wrong with me? I make interesting phone calls. Maybe not to a foreign country, or to a terrorist, but sometimes to some really weird people who say crazy shit. Doesn’t that count? Don’t I warrant some kind of stricter review?”

Benson said it’s unfair that only calls to and from someone living in a foreign country, or calls involving someone the NSA considers a “target,” might have their content recorded. For U.S. calls, it appears only the metadata is recorded, or the information on what number called which other number, not the content of the calls itself.

“It’s stupid, all this attention on foreign countries. What about me? I’m an American. I pay taxes. I deserve some attention, too,” Benson said. “You’re going to spend all that money to record somebody in Pakistan? How about you put some money into us here at home? Record some of us, for a change.”

Benson said it is some relief that his emails may be monitored more closely, as he thinks he has sent and received emails from people living in other countries. But that relief is small, and it doesn’t go very far.

“It’s not the same,” he said. “Any idiot anywhere can send an email. I get one a day from some guy in India saying I can claim his inheritance.”


U.S. Less Hospitable to Whistleblowers than Country That Poisons Them with Polonium

Washington – When Edward Snowden, the former intelligence contractor who leaked classified information about vast NSA information-gathering capabilities, accepted a year-long temporary asylum offer from Russian authorities, it was the clearest proof yet of what many have suspected for a long time — the United States is now more hostile toward whistleblowers and leakers of classified information than most countries on earth, including countries that have them killed with poisonous, radioactive material.

This includes even Russia, whose leadership was thought by many to have been behind the poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko with a radioactive isotope of Polonium, Polonium-210. He became violently ill, shortly after meeting with former Russian agents in the United Kingdom, where he had been granted political asylum, and he died within weeks. Litvinenko was a former officer in the Russian secret service who publicly blew the whistle on what he claimed was the ordered assassination of tycoon Boris Berezovsky. He went on to reveal several other criminal acts by Russian leadership, which included Vladimir Putin.

Snowden, who was virtually trapped in the transit area of the Moscow airport for over a month, apparently found the leadership thought to be responsible for the alleged murder of Litvinenko to be a safer bet than returning home and facing justice in the United States. Another prominent U.S. whistleblower, Bradley Manning, was recently convicted of several acts of espionage, and faces up to 136 years in prison.

“I wouldn’t come home either, if I was in his place,” said Mark Jacobi, a criminal justice professor at Georgetown University. He points out that the Obama Administration and its Justice Department have waged a remarkably vicious war against whistleblowers and others involved in the leaking of classified information.

“This administration has charged double the number of people under the Espionage Act than all previous administrations combined. They’ve tapped reporters phones, they’ve gone after journalists. This is not a nice administration, if you’re into disclosing information that the powerful might not want disclosed. I know one guy who told a reporter what the White House lunch special was, and he’s now in several different pieces, all over the world.”