Secret Service: We Should Maybe Think About Locking the Doors

Washington – Against a backdrop of media reports which reveal the man who entered the White House earlier this month got further into the official dwelling than was originally reported, Secret Service Director Julia Pierson sent a memo to her staff where she suggested, among other things, “It might be time for us to take a look at locking the White House doors. Just spitballing here.” A copy of the memo was made available to The National Protrusion.

Omar J. Gonzalez, 42, scaled the exterior fence and entered the building through the open North Portico entrance. He was in possession of a knife.

Original reports indicated that Mr. Gonzalez was stopped just inside the North Portico entrance, but officials have now revealed that that Mr. Gonzalez in fact made it all the way through the East Room, after besting a female agent who confronted him when he first entered the building.

Ms. Pierson’s memo does not address the discrepancy in the reports or even the fact that Mr. Gonzalez made it so far inside the White House, but rather that me made it inside at all.

“I’m aware of the going theory,” she writes, “that we wouldn’t have to lock the doors because of the manpower and sheer volume of agents we have on the White House grounds. However, in light of recent events, it seems kind of odd to me that, should someone make it to the doors of the dwelling, they can in fact just open them and go inside.”

The memo continues, “This is something we might want to look at.”

Ms. Pierson also used the memo to remind the men and women under her command of their first duty.

“Let me reiterate at this point that your main objective should be keeping people out of the White House,” she writes. “That may be obvious to some of you, but I thought I would just mention it here, so as to stave off any potential misunderstanding.”


Bush’s Location Undisclosed to Bush

Washington – Vice President Dick Cheney is famous for his “undisclosed location,” where he is said to have been swept off to immediately following the 9/11 terrorist attacks. President Bush apparently has locations that are undisclosed as well, except in his case, they are undisclosed to him.

Yesterday, President Bush’s Secret Service detail did not inform him of his own location until after they had safely left that location. Normally, a member of the security detail updates the president on where he is, as well as what he’s doing and what he just did, every hour on the hour. But yesterday, the agents charged with protecting the president temporarily altered that policy. A Secret Service agent, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the information was withheld from the president “out of concern for his safety and the safety of others.”

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“We saw a risk,” the agent said. “There are times where it’s better the president not know exactly where he is, for his own safety, and for the safety of people in the surrounding area. This was one of those cases.”

When asked to be more specific about the location, the agent hesitated. “Let’s just say it was near a water park. And if the president knew that, things could have gotten out of hand. They could have gotten very out of hand, very quickly. I’ve seen what can happen. It’s not pretty.”