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National

Bush Finally Reads Job Description

Washington – President Bush said he was “shocked” by the expectations of a United States president as outlined in the position’s job description. Bush read the job description for the first time after finding it under his desk in the Oval Office. The document was apparently under the desk for Bush’s entire time in office, since being handed to him by former President Clinton during the transition between the two administrations.

“There’s lots and lots of interesting stuff in there,” Bush said, reading from the description, which is taken from Article II of the Constitution of the United States. “I mean, this part here about, ‘he shall take care that the laws be faithfully executed,’ stuff like that. Really interesting. Stuff I never would have thought of doing.”

Other points of interest for the President had to do with dealings with foreign countries. “It says I have the power to make treaties with other countries,” Bush noted. “Not that I’d want to do that, but it’s interesting to think I have that power. It’s really neat that they invested so much in the president. I like it.”

Mr. Bush said he would plan to make some changes in the way he goes about his job, but with such a short time left in office, there isn’t much he can do. “If I had longer, I would probably make some adjustments,” Bush said. “But you know, at this point, it’s not much use. I think I’ll just chalk this up to a learning experience: next time I’m president, I’ll read the job description beforehand, not wait till right before I leave office.”

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World

Bush Tries to Shore Up Legacy by Performing Piccolo Concerts

Paris – During private meetings with European leaders this week, President Bush has apparently played the piccolo in small, private concerts, ostensibly as a way to shore up his legacy as president. This new tactic was first unveiled Wednesday, during a meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. According to witnesses with knowledge of the meeting, Mrs. Merkel seemed more confused than impressed, remaining speechless for several minutes following Bush’s short concert.

Bush holding piccolo

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National

Bush Wakes From ‘Crazy Dream’ Where He Was President For Seven and a Half Years

Washington – President Bush said he woke up this morning after having “this wild, crazy dream” where he was President of the United States for the last seven and a half years.

“It was so weird,” Mr. Bush said during an interview with a German newspaper, to be published next week. “I had all these people following me around, reporters, security guys–I guess, Secret Service or what have you. A bunch of people. I was meeting with foreign leaders, making big decisions. It was great. But it was wild. I mean, me – the President. You know? I mean, it’s just wild. To even think about that.”

The reporter attempted to point out to Mr. Bush that he has actually been the president, and that the fact that he had a dream about it didn’t mean it wasn’t true. “Oh, okay. Yeah,” Mr. Bush replied, smiling. “Right. I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to get me to go along, pull my leg as much as you can. Get me to go… Yeah. No, you’re good. You’re good. But, no. I know what’s real and what’s a dream, and this was most certainly a dream. A dream is something that could never happen in reality. And this is one of those things. I mean, have you seen my resume? I don’t see how a guy like me gets to be president. At least, not in this lifetime. But, no, it’s great to be able to dream about it. That’s what great about dreams. Anything’s possible in dreams. I love when I have those ones where I’m really tall. Because I’m not tall in real life. I love those.”

Later, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino explained that Mr. Bush was being examined for possible temporary confusion brought on by exhaustion and/or dehydration. “The president has had a rough travel schedule of late,” Perino explained in a press briefing at the White House. “And as such, it’s possible he’s suffered some effects from the physical exhaustion, and also possibly from dehydration. Obviously, the president knows he is, in fact, the president. But I have to tell you, I had a dream last night, too, where I was given the job of speaking for the White House–like, being the official voice of the White House. Even though I know next to nothing about American history or, or world politics in general or anything like that. Man, it was nuts. And so real. But anyway, what was I saying?”

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National

Bush Vows to Finish ‘She’s Come Undone’ by End of Term

Washington – President Bush vowed today to finish the Wally Lamb novel “She’s Come Undone” by the time he leaves office in January, 2009. Though the book is “over 400 pages long and filled with an overwhelming amount of words and phrases,” Bush said he’s confident he can accomplish the task of getting through the entire thing.

“As many of you probably know by now, when I set my mind to do something, I do it,” Bush said, reading from a prepared statement on the South Lawn of the White House. “And this book is no different. Yes, it is long, relative to the other things I’ve read. Yes, it contains no pictures. And yes, I did begin it in 2003. But I will not back away from this challenge. I will face it head-on. I will get through this book, as difficult as it may be.”

Mr. Bush did not say how many pages of the book he has read so far, though there were rumors swirling throughout Washington that he’s read up to page 38. Mr. Bush did, however, have a suggestion for the author. “Mr. Lamb, with all due respect, it is my opinion that you don’t need as many words as you use. I honestly believe this book, as wonderful as it is so far, could be 200 pages instead of well over 400. For instance, if you want to describe a character’s emotion, you could just say, ‘He was sad,’ or ‘She was happy.’ That’s enough for me. I don’t need a whole paragraph. I think this kind of tactic would make it easier on the reader and would promote more reading throughout the country. Less is more, my friend. Less is more.”

Though Mr. Bush would not get into specifics, he did say there were several other things he hopes to complete by the time he leaves office. But they don’t appear to include a Middle East peace agreement or any significant legislation on the domestic front. Mr. Bush hinted that they just might include “a jigsaw puzzle and a game of Sudoku that’s just boggling my mind.”

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World

New DOJ Memo Gives Bush Authority to Torture Harry Reid

Washington – A legal memo written by Steven Bradbury, Acting Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Legal Counsel at the Department of Justice, appears to grant President Bush authority to torture Senate majority leader Harry Reid in several ways. The methods of torture can include, but are not limited to, “waterboarding, hitting with metal chairs, smacking, and hanging the naked subject upside down by his toes while insulting the size of his genitalia.”