Al Qaeda Begins Fall Fund Drive

Osama bin Laden’s notorious terrorist group Al Qaeda has begun its Fall Fund Drive, according to an audio message released by the group’s deputy, Ayman al-Zawahri, Tuesday.


Bin Laden Tweets 140-Character Fatwa

Washington – Al Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden has issued a new fatwa, or religious edict, banning any cooperation by Muslims with American forces and their allies in Afghanistan, according to a U.S. intelligence official familiar with the case.

Bin Laden was apparently motivated by recent reports of a U.S. need for added intelligence to aid its war effort in Afghanistan. The fatwa was issued using the social networking tool Twitter, and therefore was only 140 characters long, which is the maximum allowed in a Twitter post, or “tweet.”


Clinton: I’ll Kill Bin Laden With My Bare Hands

Philadelphia, PA – On the eve of the all-important Pennsylvania primary, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton told supporters here that if elected she will, “Not only catch Osama Bin Laden, but then I will kill him, strangle him with my bare hands. And then, once he’s dead, I will break his face open with some kind of instrument, and I will drink his blood to send a message to all the other terrorists out there: you mess with President Hillary Clinton, you get strangled to death and your blood sucked out of a hole where your face used to be.”

Mrs. Clinton’s statement was merely the latest in a series attempting to prove she is stronger on issues of foreign policy than her rival, Senator Barack Obama. She hopes voters will value her experience, and her toughness, which she focused on today.

“Senator Obama may be a fine man,” Mrs. Clinton continued. “But I doubt very much that, if put face-to-face with Osama Bin Laden, he would have the strength of character to do what I would do. Oh, he may punch and slap and that kind of thing. But wussy backhanded smacks aren’t going to be enough in this post-9/11 world. We need toughness, and we need the kind of fearlessness that I will bring to the White House. Would Senator Obama strangle Bin Laden with his bare hands? His delicate, slightly effeminate hands? I don’t know. Would he beat Bin Laden’s head against the ground mercilessly, like I would, until it looked like a…a cooked tomato? And then, would he be able to break open the face, and drink that blood? I don’t know. I just don’t know. With me, you know where I stand. I know how to break a face. I’ve made a lifetime of it. In fact, they once called me ‘Facebreaker,’ because of all the faces I broke. Has Senator Obama ever been called ‘Facebreaker?’ I doubt it. I doubt it very much.”

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Bin Laden: You Will Pay for The Terrible ‘Garfield’ from Last Monday

Cairo, Egypt – In a purported Osama Bin Laden audio message, the Al Qaeda leader vows to enact revenge upon the West for publication of a “horribly unfunny and unoriginal” Garfield comic strip from Monday, March 10. The strip, which shows Garfield attempting to write a poem in honor of Monday, ends with his giving the day a raspberry. The strip apparently provoked a remarkably angry response from Bin Laden.

“What right have you to publish such things, a joke repeated thousands of times about a fat cat who hates Monday?” a voice assumed to be that of Bin Laden asks in the recorded message. “You insult our people, our sense of humor, our appreciation of art, and of cats. And you will pay.”

It was not made clear what specific action might be taken by Bin Laden or others acting on his orders. The recorded message was played on Arabic television network Al-Jazeera yesterday morning, and has since been analyzed by the Central Intelligence Agency. “We believe the voice is likely Bin Laden’s,” said Emerson Palmer, a CIA official. “And we’ve looked at the strip, and frankly, some of us were mad too. But, no, we’re not condoning anything he said or proposed. I’m just saying that I feel like I’ve seen that same joke before. That’s all I’m saying.”

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said there are no plans currently to raise the nation’s threat level, saying he predicts there will be a rise in the threat level early next fall, so that there is no need to raise it now. “I’m not saying I know anything for sure, or that there’s any plan in place to do anything next fall,” Chertoff said. “But I just have a hunch, my gut tells me that we may see another one of these ‘messages’ from Mr. Bin Laden around, say October, and then probably a heightened threat level at that time. Right now, I think we’ll keep it where it is. But you never know. One day, when you least expect it, Whoop! Up it may go.”


U.S. to Stay on Offense Against Terror Until War is Won, or Until It Gets Very Tired

Washington – President Bush said today that the United States will stay “on the offensive against the terrorists and terror networks across the globe, right up until it gets really exhausting for us. Then, we’ll give it a rest.”

Bush addressed the press to solidify his administration’s stance on terrorism, namely that the U.S. must remain “on offense.” “We all know that offense is where you score points, where you really do damage against that other team. But everyone knows, offense doesn’t last forever. At some point, there’s a break. There’s halftime, there are time outs, so on. So let me pledge that we will remain on offense until this war on terror is won, or at least until halftime. I think, after all, that’s only fair.”

Reporters were allowed to ask questions following the president’s prepared remarks. Some questioned what the “offensive” strategy has yielded so far in the war on terrorism.

bush at lectern

“Well, I don’t even see how you can ask that question,” Bush responded. “I mean, it’s been awfully successful so far. I mean, we’ve killed, how many, 500 number 2 al Qaeda members? I don’t know why they have so many number 2s, but I think we’ve almost got them all now. Maybe there a few stray ones somewhere out there, in some cave. But we’ll get them too. We get all the number 2s.”

An Associated Press reporter then noted that the public might be wondering why Osama Bin Laden has still not been found, six and half years after the 9/11 terror attacks.

“Well, he hasn’t been found because he’s very good at hiding,” Bush said. “He’s wily, you might say. Like the coyote. But he’s like a coyote with kidney problems. Or liver problems, or whichever organ he has that’s malfunctioning. He’s wily. And he’s good at hiding. But you know what we’re good at? Finding people that are good at hiding. That’s what we do. That’s how we found all those number 2 guys. And we found Saddam, too. And he was underground. In a hole. So I don’t doubt we’ll find Osama Bin Laden. He’ll turn up sooner or later. And when he does, we’ll snatch him up, and we’ll bring him to justice. Swift justice. Unless, you know, the Saudi royal family has some kind of… some kind of recommendation. Then we’ll have to see where we are at that point. But we’ll do it swiftly.”