Atlantic Ocean Prices Rise to $2.79 per Gallon

New York – With oil from a blast-damaged rig continuing to flow into the Gulf of Mexico, the price of a gallon of the Atlantic Ocean’s water rose 5.4 cents Friday, reaching a record high $2.79. It was the largest single-day increase in nearly 27 years.

Investors heartened by the release of a BP-sponsored study showing the ocean is now 3/5s crude oil also brought Atlantic Ocean futures up $1.50, to close at $76.39 a barrel on the New York Stock Exchange.

“Once the study’s results were announced, it was like a switch was thrown,” said J.J. Thomasy, a consultant with Richards and Richards Investment Group, based in New York. “Everyone realized, ‘Wow, the ocean is an incredibly valuable commodity, when it has all that oil in it.'”

The oil spill, the largest in the nation’s history, began April 20 when an explosion aboard the oil tanker The Deep Sea Horizon caused thousands of gallons of oil to gush into the gulf. Government estimates of the amount of oil flowing into the gulf have been revised upwards to 60,000 barrels a day. The spill has greatly harmed sea life and the commercial fishing industry. The long-term health and environmental effects may not be fully understood for years to come.

But on the bright side, says John Klanke of Merriweather Financial Holdings, you can now power your car with ocean water.

“I mean, it’s horrible to say it, but my friends and I ran a test and found that a gallon of water from the Gulf of Mexico got our car to the grocery store and back,” Merriweather said. “That’s big. You want to talk about energy independence, how about we don’t need Middle East oil anymore because the whole ocean to the east and south of us is made of oil? Can Saudi Arabia top that? I don’t think so. Talk to me when the Red Sea is black, my friends. Black and slick.”

Asked why BP commissioned the study of the percent of oil in the Atlantic Ocean’s water, company spokesman Brian Turney said, “Well, we wanted to show that the spill wasn’t all bad. I mean, yes, of course there are negative aspects to it. But you have to look at it from a new and different perspective. You have to think outside the box. Think about it: who would have thought of using the ocean to power our automobiles, had this incident not occurred? Sometimes great ideas happen from terrible accidents. Like the chocolate falling into the peanut butter in that commercial. And look what came from that — deliciousness.”


Exxon Mobil Vows to Reduce Nation’s Dependence on Other Companies’ Oil

Irving, TX – Rex V. Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil Corporation, released a statement today pledging the company’s commitment to “reducing this great nation’s dependence on oil that is produced and brought to market by companies other than Exxon Mobil.” The statement went on to say that the United States can no longer afford to be at the mercy of several oil giants at the same time.

“This country should not have to face the prospect of several different oil companies determining its economic fate,” Tillerson said in the statement. “The United States deserves to have no more than one oil company pulling its strings at any one time, and Exxon Mobil is committed to making that a reality.”

Exxon Mobil, a descendant of Standard Oil, earned a record $39.5 billion in profits in 2006. The company has been criticized for doing little to aid the battle against global warming and the quest to find alternative sources of energy. What’s more, they have been accused of campaigning against those causes.

“Exxon Mobil has received torrents of criticism for not being committed to the search for ways to reduce our country’s dependence on oil and to find fresh, new ways to look at our energy needs,” the statement reads. “So here is a proposal that cannot be called anything but new and fresh: we call on the other oil companies to stop making the people of this country buy oil from them. We are willing to be the sole provider of oil for this nation, and we guarantee that if America stops buying oil from anyone other than Exxon Mobil, the nation’s dependence on oil other than that which Exxon Mobil produces will markedly decrease. This our pledge, and we do not take it lightly.”

The statement concluded, “Exxon Mobil is nothing if not patriotic. We hope the other oil companies will join us in our quest to help America reduce its dependence on oil that we do not produce. We have taken our bold stand. The question now is, will you?”


McCain Opposes Newest McCain Proposal

Minneapolis, MN – Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain said today he “strongly opposes” a proposal made by John McCain regarding nuclear energy. McCain made a proposal Wednesday that the United States should invest in up to 45 new nuclear reactors by 2030. Today he said he opposes that proposal, though it was unclear if he was aware it was his proposal in the first place.

NPN The Mack Truck

Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show – McCain and Oil

An excerpt from the May 4th episode of The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show, in which the Mack Truck discusses the uproar over recent comments made by Senator John McCain. A transcript follows the video.

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Bush to Save World, Drill It For Oil

Washington – The U.S. Senate voted 51-49 to approve oil drilling in an Alaskan wildlife refuge. It was a significant victory for President Bush and several high-powered corporations, and a heartbreaking setback for living things. The Senate vote brings President Bush one step closer to achieving his two-layer plan to rid the world of evil so he can then rid it of nature.

“This is a huge victory, a big day,” the President said while meeting with reporters on the White House lawn. “I mean, it’s not every day you get the green light from the Senate of the United States to eradicate natural wonders so that your friends can make millions of dollars. I mean, have you ever had a day like that?”

When asked about the status of phase one of the plan, ridding the world of evil, the President said, “Oh, that’s almost complete. There’s almost no evil left anywhere, which you’ll see if you, uh, if you look around. It’s amazing, really. Evil’s on the run. And now, so is oxygen.”

Bush to save world, drill it for oil