Obama Crosses Country to Ask 11 Americans Who Support Syria Strike to Tell A Friend

Kenton, Ohio – President Obama appeared here briefly Thursday morning, the only city in Ohio he will visit, and the first stop on a two-day, multi-state whirlwind tour. The trip is an attempt to shore up support among the 11 Americans who are in favor of his intended military strike against Syrian government forces, and implore them to urge others to get on board with the plan.

Two of the supporters reside in Kenton, two in Athens, Georgia, two in Des Moines, Iowa and one each in Anaheim, California; Butte, Montana; Carson City, Nevada; Billings, Missouri; and Salem, Oregon.

“Hello, Kenton!” President Obama said, as he bounded onto stage and saw Adam and Melissa Cary sitting alone in the audience. “Well, more specifically, hello, Adam and Melissa! How are you?”

The president thanked the two Ohioans for their support of military action in Syria, and then came down into the crowd and sat with them. “Tell your friends about how you feel, why you support this,” the president said. “Try to get some of them to see how we can’t let this kind of atrocity stand, what Assad is doing to the people there. It would mean a lot to me.”

Melissa at one point said, “We can hear you without the microphone,” a fact that the president acknowledged. He turned off the microphone and handed it to an aide, who took it away.

The president soon thanked the couple again, said his goodbyes and got back in his limousine to be transported to Air Force One. He will fly to Des Moines, IA and Billings, MO, before finishing the day in Athens, GA., according to White House spokesman Jay Carney. He will then continue his push tomorrow morning, flying west to visit the four cities remaining on his list, during another hectic day of travel.

The president returns to the White House Friday night, and plans to call any tiny nations he may have overlooked, and ask for their support.


Freedom of Information Act Now Classified

Washington – The Obama administration has classified the 1967 Freedom of Information Act, according to intelligence officials. The landmark piece of legislation, often referred to as FOIA, was signed by President Lyndon Johnson and guaranteed access to previously unreleased information and documents controlled by various branches of the U.S. government. It had a wide-ranging impact on the ability of advocacy groups, journalists and the general public to obtain information which they would otherwise likely have been unable to obtain.

The intelligence officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity, as they are not authorized to speak publicly on the matter, admitted they were not aware of the reason for the law’s sudden classification. Attempts to view the text of the law on the U.S. Department of Justice website return a 404 “not found” error page, as of 4PM est today.

The White House would not comment on why the famous piece of legislation is now classified, but White House Deputy Press Secretary Josh Earnest issued a statement which said, “The White House will have no comment on the law in question, as the fact that it has been designated classified, is itself classified. Rest assured, whoever released information about this legislation’s classification to the press will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”

Earnest went on to say, “It should be pointed out that even if FOIA were still available to the public, a FOIA request would not allow those without proper clearance from viewing the text of the law, as properly classified material is exempt from FOIA requests.”

President Obama has appeared in the past to be a strong supporter of the law, as evidenced by a 2009 memo where the newly-elected president urged all government agencies to adhere to FOIA, and called for “a presumption in favor of disclosure.”

That memo has apparently also been classified, as it is no longer available on the website, though a copy of it does exist on the servers of the whistleblowing group WikiLeaks. It bears the subject line, “Freedom of Information Act,” and was signed by Obama on January 21, 2009, shortly after he was sworn in as President. It tasks government agencies with “reaffirming the commitment to accountability and transparency” in their adherence to FOIA. It states, “The Freedom of Information Act should be administered with a clear presumption: In the face of doubt, openness prevails.”

The Freedom of Information Act and the Obama memo addressing its implementation are apparently not the only documents to be newly classified. Also classified is Obama’s “Transparency and Open Government” memo of 2009, and H.R. 553, The Reducing Over-Classification Act.


Obama’s Afghanistan Troop Decision – NPN


Obama Meets with Bank Executives to Ask for Better Pin Number

Washington – President Barack Obama met with the CEOs of some of the nation’s major banks at the White House to ask them for a better pin number for various personal accounts of his. According to meeting participants, the president said he was unhappy with his current pin numbers, which he called “run-of-the-mill and random.”

“I was assigned the pin by the bank, like everyone else,” the president is quoted as saying to Vikram Pandit, CEO of Citibank, by a participant in the meeting. Mr. Obama holds a savings account with Citibank. “And then when I tried to change it, to 44-1600 — because I’m the 44th President of the United States and I work at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I was told that pin number was taken by some guy named Larry in Connecticut. Now, I’m fairly certain Larry isn’t the President of the United States. So, I’m also fairly certain that it won’t be a problem to work this out.”


Obama Names Larry Brillstein Secretary of Panic

Washington – President Obama announced his appointment of Larry Brillstein as Secretary of Panic at the White House Thursday afternoon. The new secretary, if confirmed, will oversee all fear and anxiety-related programs operated by the federal government. It is a cabinet-level position.

“Today I announce one of my most important appointments,” Mr. Obama said in prepared remarks. “Larry Brillstein will bring to this position the same level of paranoia and overreaction that he has brought to every job he has held so far in his life – one of which he lost due to an anxiety attack which occurred in front of customers.”

Mr. Obama said he chose to create the position, the first of its kind, because the country is in a “particularly heightened state of anxiety,” with the economic downturn, two wars being waged simultaneously, and most recently nuclear tests on the part of North Korea and missile tests on the part of Iran.

“This is a nerve-wracking time,” he said. “And who better to guide us through it than a man who once made and canceled the same doctor’s appointment eight times, because he was too scared to go? I am certain Larry is the right man for this job.”