Issa to Investigate Whether Obama Used Wrong Fork with Salad

Washington – Representative Darrell Issa of California plans to launch an investigation into whether President Obama used the wrong fork with his salad during dinner at the White House three months ago, Issa told reporters Tuesday. Rep. Issa is chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform committee, and he said he will use the full authority that position grants him to, “get to the truth, no matter where it leads.” He also said it is “extremely likely” there will be public hearings on the issue.

“I hold in my hand a fork,” Issa said during a press conference, holding a fork out in front of him so that the reporters in attendance could clearly make it out. “This is a dinner fork. Not, I repeat not, a salad fork. However, it has come to the attention of the Oversight Committee that President Obama, some three months ago, quite possibly used this fork not only to eat his meal, but also to eat his salad prior to the meal. This is a clear violation of standard etiquette and not an act which befits the President of the United States.”

Rep. Issa has already presided over hearings on everything from the IRS to Benghazi to the website, usually with the aim of bringing to light misbehavior or wrongdoing on the part of members of the Obama administration or other government officials. Many have criticized his zeal in bringing investigations and holding hearings that fail to uncover much actual malfeasance. This issue, however, is no false scandal, according to Issa.

“It is the job of this committee to conduct oversight on the federal government, and bring to light bad behavior on the part of government officials, no matter how powerful they are, or what position they hold in this or any other administration,” Issa said. “That must include the president, himself. Otherwise, the idea of oversight is completely pointless. Someone needs to get to the bottom of what happened here, with this fork, and that is what I intend to do.”

Issa was reluctant to provide any details regarding evidence he may possess, preferring to “wait until the investigation has concluded.” He would only say that the incident in which President Obama allegedly used the improper fork occurred during dinner in the White House Dining Room, attended by Mr. Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, and that it happened approximately three months ago.

“The facts will come out, in due time,” Issa said. “And when they do, the truth about what occurred with the fork in question will be out in the open, for all to see. I look forward to that day.”


Obama Vows to Reform How He Pretends to Reign in NSA Spying

Washington – In a speech at the Justice Department Friday, President Obama vowed to, “make significant and widespread changes to the way I pretend to reign in the spying activities of our intelligence agencies, specifically the NSA.”

Obama said he pretended to think overreach by the NSA had gone on for too long, because so many Americans actually believe it had, and that it was time to “publicly and forcefully make hollow overtures toward reforming these programs, while obviously not actually reforming anything.”

Specifically, Obama said his decision that a special court, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, would have to approve the querying of phone data by NSA agents before it is allowed to proceed was a way of making believe that there would be a real check on the agency’s powers. However, the court in question overwhelmingly sides with the government and its intelligence agencies, and therefore doesn’t serve as a real safeguard against abuse.

“This court is an ideal solution, because it has the word ‘court’ in it, so people think there’s going to be some judicial body doing some kind of oversight,” Obama said. “In reality, they already have said yes to everything they will be asked to approve. It makes things much easier.”

Elsewhere, Obama vowed to pretend to take the concerns of civil libertarians and technology companies into account, tasking Congress with appointing a panel containing members of both groups to consult the FISA court. According to Obama, though, this panel won’t be more than window dressing, either.

“This panel will be picked by Congress, but I will do my best to ensure it is filled with people with vast experience in allowing the status quo to continue,” Obama said, “thereby guaranteeing nothing actually changes as a result of their consultation.”

Further limitations on the panel’s power will also be instituted.

“As a precaution,” Obama continued, “in case one of the panel members actually has some conviction, I have stipulated that the panel is only to be consulted in ‘novel’ cases. This means it will never be consulted.”

Obama concluded the speech by saying he hopes that the American people understand his commitment to acting like he’s concerned with privacy.

“I want the American people to understand one thing,” Obama said in the speech’s concluding statement. “I will never waver from, will never hesitate to pretend to be a defender of the privacy of our citizens against a powerful and gargantuan intelligence apparatus. I care deeply about appearing as if I pretend to care deeply about this issue.”


Outrage as Obama Shakes Hands with Paradoran Dictator Richard Dreyfuss

Washington – President Obama caused another uproar among American conservatives and pundits Thursday after shaking hands with the the dictator of Parador, Richard Dreyfuss. The actor was in Washington to perform in a special holiday celebration concert at the White House, and was greeted by President Obama as he stood in line with the nearly dozen other performers.

Conservatives in the U.S. were quick to react. Arizona Senator John McCain took to Twitter to denounce the president’s actions. “Who won’t this president shake hands with?” McCain wrote in one tweet. Then later, “First Raul Castro, now President Alphonse Simms. I’m sure he can’t wait to get his hand on Kim Jong-Un.”

Newt Gingrich, in an interview with Wolf Blitzer of CNN’s “Situation Room,” said, “If this report is true, then it’s a disgrace and the president ought to be ashamed of himself.” Gingrich pointed to Obama’s other controversial greetings with foreign leaders, namely shaking the hand of Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, allegedly bowing to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, and most recently, shaking hands with Cuban President Raul Castro at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela.

“I’m just thankful,” Gingrich continued, “that Hitler’s remains are nowhere this president can get at them. Otherwise, he’ll probably hug and kiss them for all the world to see.”

Dreyfuss played President Alphonse Simms, dictator of the fictional South American country of Parador in the 1988 film “Moon Over Parador.” Co-starring Raúl Juliá and Sonia Braga, the film was a remake of the 1939 film, “The Magnificent Fraud.” Dreyfuss actually played two roles, the dictator Simms and American actor Jack Noah, who is forced to play the role of Simms after the “President for Life” suffers a heart attack.

The White House responded to criticism by explaining that President Obama simply wanted to greet Mr. Dreyfuss, the actor, not any particular character he has played.

“President Obama was not showing solidarity with President Alphonse Simms of Parador, and any suggestion otherwise is outrageous,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, in a brief meeting with reporters. “The president simply wanted to greet the actor who played President Simms, the great American actor Richard Dreyfuss.”

Carney continued, “The supposed controversy over this handshake is as ridiculous as it would be if Republicans were complaining that the president shook hands with Mr. Holland and therefore must be supporting some kind of opus. There’s nothing to this.”


Mr. Obama Should Have Lied More About Health Care

President Obama has taken some flack for his “if you like your plan, you can keep your plan” lie. Let us say up front that the statement in question is, in fact, a lie. This is assuming “lie” still refers to something you say as if it were true, even though you know it to be untrue. If it means anything other than that, we were not informed.

Mr. Obama’s health care plan is the signature policy initiative of his entire presidency, and certainly of his first term. If any reader thinks for one minute he didn’t know the full implication of what he was saying, and the facts surrounding it, that reader is likely insane. (Note that this does not mean this reader should cease reading The National Protrusion. In fact, it might be even more appropriate than ever for them to become an avid reader if they’ve recently discovered they might be insane.)

Yes, we acknowledge the statement was a lie. But with that acknowledgement does not come condemnation. In fact, not only are we fine with the lie, we think the president should have gone further.

Let’s remember the environment in which this statement was made, admittedly what seems like thousands of times. We had people protesting outside all types of federal buildings, holding up signs comparing the president to Hitler and/or Stalin for having the audacity to have the government take part in Americans’ health care coverage. Many of these people were already happily receiving government assistance in one form or another, though they may have failed to realize that what they were getting was in fact government assistance. But stupidity is not a protection from hypocrisy.

We also had the Queen of the Dumbed, Sarah Palin, warning that there would be “death panels” that would decide people’s ultimate fate, and many like-minded voices screaming about the government trying to kill your grandmother. Trust me, no one wants to kill your grandmother, except maybe you. And we couldn’t really pass judgment on such a thing, not knowing your grandmother.

We also must consider how the American people prefer to have their information fed to them. If history is a guide, and we think it is, at least until it is changed by those in power, then one can reasonably assume Americans like information to come in the form of catch phrases, sound bites and easily digestible generalizations. In fact, the food metaphor is rather fitting in this case: Americans like their politicians’ statements the way they like their food — cheap, tasty and devoid of any substantive value. They don’t like things that are filled with nuance; they like things that are filled with cheese. If any reader thinks the bill would have had a prayer of passing if the president said, “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan, but there are several caveats to that,” that reader is probably one of the people who realized earlier that they were insane. In fact, we’re not sure Americans even know what a caveat is. We offer them this helpful hint: It has nothing to do with fish eggs.

In all, the president was battling misinformation, disinformation, a lack of information, and just plain stupidity disguising itself as information, when this bill was being debated by citizens and the Congress alike. So, the question isn’t, Why did he lie? It’s, Why didn’t he lie more?

If it were us, we would have promised whatever was necessary to get the bill through. “Not only will you be able to keep your current plan, if you like it,” we would have told the American people. “You will also get a lifetime supply of free ice cream. And it’s magical ice cream. It is specially designed to not give you type 2 diabetes, no matter how much of it you eat.”

Or, “Not only will you be able to keep your health plan if you like it, you’ll get a free rifle, pre-loaded.” We would say we would offer them the ability to bypass the background checks required to get a rifle, but there don’t appear to be any such checks in this country, so we don’t see that as a necessary addition to the offer.

A final option might have been to offer Americans cash in exchange for supporting the bill. We are well aware, however, that it wouldn’t have been possible for the president to offer money from the government. The public would see that as a handout, and they would not accept it, even though they were simultaneously aggressively taking advantage of as many government handouts as were available. We feel they would accept it, though, if they felt it was being taken from someone else — preferably someone of a different race and/or class than them — in order for it to be given to them. If we combine this one thing Americans love — hatred of the “other” — with something else they love — the lottery — we can offer the following as a way the president could have phrased such a sales pitch:

“If you like your plan, you can keep your plan. And in addition, you will all be entered in the Affordable Care Act Lottery. Now, this is a special lottery. It has millions of winners, all of whom win thousands of dollars each. The winnings are taken from a group that doesn’t deserve it. It’s all done with a complicated algorithm. Just suffice it to say that if you’re a racist, your portion will be taken from a black family. If you’re a sexist, it will be taken from a women’s group. A homophobe? Great — your portion will be taken from a married gay couple. All you have to do is tell your representative in congress that you support this health care law, and you are automatically entered in this lottery. No further action is required on your part. You just get the money, money taken from someone else who totally doesn’t deserve it. And, I’m not sure if I mentioned it already, but you can also keep your health care plan if you like it.”


Obama Vows to Hit Target Health Care Enrollment Number by 4017

Washington – President Obama held a press conference Friday to assure the American people that his Affordable Care Act was on track to reach its target of 7 million enrollees by the year 4017. The president pointed out the date was less than 2,000 years after the initial target date, March 31st of next year.

“We will have this website up and working by no later than 3011,” Obama said, referring to, which has been plagued by technical problems since its troubled October rollout. “And at that point, people will be able to get on the site and shop for an affordable insurance plan that covers them for things they really need.”