Obama Vows to Hit Target Health Care Enrollment Number by 4017

Washington – President Obama held a press conference Friday to assure the American people that his Affordable Care Act was on track to reach its target of 7 million enrollees by the year 4017. The president pointed out the date was less than 2,000 years after the initial target date, March 31st of next year.

“We will have this website up and working by no later than 3011,” Obama said, referring to, which has been plagued by technical problems since its troubled October rollout. “And at that point, people will be able to get on the site and shop for an affordable insurance plan that covers them for things they really need.”


Lindsey Graham to Block White House Nominees Until Obama Admits He Murdered Chris Stevens

Washington – South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham said Monday he would continue to block President Barack Obama’s appointments in the U.S. Senate, until the president admits that he murdered U.S. Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens himself.

“It is imperative that the president come clean about what happened the night of September 11, 2012,” Graham said Monday. “Namely, that he murdered J. Christopher Stevens, and possibly three other Americans, with his bare hands, in Benghazi, Lybia.”

Stevens, the U.S. Ambassador to Lybia, was murdered in an attack on the U.S. mission in Benghazi, and the White House has since faced continued criticism about its initial explanation of the events that unfolded that night, and about their awareness of a burgeoning threat beforehand.

Graham made his threat to filibuster the president’s nominees late last month, along with fellow Relublican senator John McCain of Arizona. Both men pointed to a recent “60 Minutes” report by a purported eyewitness to the attack as more evidence that questions needed to be answered by administration officials. However, that report has since been retracted and was the subject of an apology by “60 Minutes” host Lara Logan on Sunday night.

The backpedaling by “60 Minutes” and CBS did not dampen Graham’s fervor, however. “I’m going to continue with trying to get at the truth, CBS report or no CBS report,” Graham said. “This isn’t about a report on ‘60 Minutes.’ This is about the president murdering a U.S. ambassador, and him admitting to that and facing the consequences.”

The nominees who may face Graham’s filibuster include Jeh Johnson, nominated to head the Department of Homeland Security, and Janet Yellen, nominated to be the new Federal Reserve chair.


Obama Crosses Country to Ask 11 Americans Who Support Syria Strike to Tell A Friend

Kenton, Ohio – President Obama appeared here briefly Thursday morning, the only city in Ohio he will visit, and the first stop on a two-day, multi-state whirlwind tour. The trip is an attempt to shore up support among the 11 Americans who are in favor of his intended military strike against Syrian government forces, and implore them to urge others to get on board with the plan.

Two of the supporters reside in Kenton, two in Athens, Georgia, two in Des Moines, Iowa and one each in Anaheim, California; Butte, Montana; Carson City, Nevada; Billings, Missouri; and Salem, Oregon.

“Hello, Kenton!” President Obama said, as he bounded onto stage and saw Adam and Melissa Cary sitting alone in the audience. “Well, more specifically, hello, Adam and Melissa! How are you?”

The president thanked the two Ohioans for their support of military action in Syria, and then came down into the crowd and sat with them. “Tell your friends about how you feel, why you support this,” the president said. “Try to get some of them to see how we can’t let this kind of atrocity stand, what Assad is doing to the people there. It would mean a lot to me.”

Melissa at one point said, “We can hear you without the microphone,” a fact that the president acknowledged. He turned off the microphone and handed it to an aide, who took it away.

The president soon thanked the couple again, said his goodbyes and got back in his limousine to be transported to Air Force One. He will fly to Des Moines, IA and Billings, MO, before finishing the day in Athens, GA., according to White House spokesman Jay Carney. He will then continue his push tomorrow morning, flying west to visit the four cities remaining on his list, during another hectic day of travel.

The president returns to the White House Friday night, and plans to call any tiny nations he may have overlooked, and ask for their support.


Freedom of Information Act Now Classified

Washington – The Obama administration has classified the 1967 Freedom of Information Act, according to intelligence officials. The landmark piece of legislation, often referred to as FOIA, was signed by President Lyndon Johnson and guaranteed access to previously unreleased information and documents controlled by various branches of the U.S. government. It had a wide-ranging impact on the ability of advocacy groups, journalists and the general public to obtain information which they would otherwise likely have been unable to obtain.

The intelligence officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity, as they are not authorized to speak publicly on the matter, admitted they were not aware of the reason for the law’s sudden classification. Attempts to view the text of the law on the U.S. Department of Justice website return a 404 “not found” error page, as of 4PM est today.

The White House would not comment on why the famous piece of legislation is now classified, but White House Deputy Press Secretary Josh Earnest issued a statement which said, “The White House will have no comment on the law in question, as the fact that it has been designated classified, is itself classified. Rest assured, whoever released information about this legislation’s classification to the press will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”

Earnest went on to say, “It should be pointed out that even if FOIA were still available to the public, a FOIA request would not allow those without proper clearance from viewing the text of the law, as properly classified material is exempt from FOIA requests.”

President Obama has appeared in the past to be a strong supporter of the law, as evidenced by a 2009 memo where the newly-elected president urged all government agencies to adhere to FOIA, and called for “a presumption in favor of disclosure.”

That memo has apparently also been classified, as it is no longer available on the website, though a copy of it does exist on the servers of the whistleblowing group WikiLeaks. It bears the subject line, “Freedom of Information Act,” and was signed by Obama on January 21, 2009, shortly after he was sworn in as President. It tasks government agencies with “reaffirming the commitment to accountability and transparency” in their adherence to FOIA. It states, “The Freedom of Information Act should be administered with a clear presumption: In the face of doubt, openness prevails.”

The Freedom of Information Act and the Obama memo addressing its implementation are apparently not the only documents to be newly classified. Also classified is Obama’s “Transparency and Open Government” memo of 2009, and H.R. 553, The Reducing Over-Classification Act.


Experts: Larry Summers Clear Choice to Guide Us Into Next Financial Crisis

Washington – With speculation rife that President Obama may tap former Clinton Treasury Secretary Larry Summers to be chairman of the Federal Reserve when Ben Bernanke steps down in January, experts are weighing in from all over the political spectrum. The consensus seems to be that Summers is the perfect choice to guide us directly into the next economic catastrophe.

Summers, who pushed for repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act of 1933, the law that had separated investment and commercial banks, also has written about how unemployment benefits “contribute to unemployment” by providing an incentive to not work.

John Pinske, an Economics professor at Duke University, says Summers is exactly the right candidate to lead us into the next crisis.

“If you’re looking for someone to escort us into the next crash, he’s the guy, hands-down,” Pinske says. “He’s very pro-deregulation, pro-Wall Street, and is pretty much the embodiment of the attitudes that precipitated the last crisis, and crises before that, and will most likely precipitate whatever the next one will be.”

Pinske says that Wall Street firms are already playing many of the dangerous games they were playing in the lead-up to the subprime mortgage disaster. Summers’ appointment would almost certainly lead to less regulation of those firms, thereby increasing the risk of a similar crisis, only in a different sector.

“Could be student loans, bonds, online education, maybe even housing again,” Pinske says. “The point is, it will most likely start with Wall Street, with large banks, and if we want that to happen, we need a guy to go easy on Wall Street again. And that guy is Larry Summers.”