Nuclear Energy Completely Safe, Say Men Who Make Money from Nuclear Energy

Washington – The Nuclear Energy Institute, a group which lobbies Washington politicians on behalf of the nuclear energy industry, released a statement Monday in which they declared nuclear energy to be “completely and utterly safe. Like, totally safe.”

Jeff Friedkin, one of the group’s representatives, scurried around Captiol Hill, trying to get that message across to lawmakers.

“We know these nuclear reactors are safe because we’ve tested them rigorously,” Friedkin said. “We’ve set up Lego versions of the reactors and had our intern, Phil, shake the base of the whole thing really hard. Like, probably as hard as the earthquake in Japan would have been, had it happened in Lego World.”

Concern over the future of nuclear energy hit its peak with the recent disaster at several Japanese reactors following an earthquake and tsunami in that country. Friedkin is hoping to allay fears about the industry, at least among D.C. legislators.

“I told them, ‘Listen, I would put my grandmother in the middle of any of the reactors in this country,'” Friedkin said. “‘During an earthquake.’ Now, granted, my grandmother is dead, and I didn’t like her very much, but regardless, I think I got my point across.”


McCain Opposes Newest McCain Proposal

Minneapolis, MN – Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain said today he “strongly opposes” a proposal made by John McCain regarding nuclear energy. McCain made a proposal Wednesday that the United States should invest in up to 45 new nuclear reactors by 2030. Today he said he opposes that proposal, though it was unclear if he was aware it was his proposal in the first place.