NP Wire

Phrase ‘Benghazi Smoking Gun’ Gives John McCain Erection

The phrase is also said to make Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina “weak in the knees.”

NP Wire

Sony Hoping No One Notices It Keeps Releasing Same Trilogy

Culver City, CA – On the eve of the release of its fifth Spider-Man movie in the last 12 years, Sony executives are hoping to once again pull the wool over the eyes of America’s film-going public and conceal the fact that they keep releasing the same trilogy every few years or so, according to an executive with Sony who prefers to remain anonymous.

“It’s gone pretty well so far,” the executive said. “We released the current trilogy, with Andrew [Garfield] right on the heels of the one with Tobey [Maguire] ending, and that seemed to go okay.”

The executive confirmed the current series of films will stop at three, and said plans are already underway for another reboot of the franchise, following this one.

“We’re already working on the next reboot, which will be a reboot of this reboot, I guess,” the executive said. “And then we’re hoping to reboot that, as well, and then just keep doing that perpetually, until either it stops making money or mankind destroys the earth.”

NP Wire

Every Car In America Recalled

At approximately 5:15 p.m. EDT Tuesday, the last remaining car on America’s roads was recalled by its manufacturer, Toyota. Every other automobile in the country had already been recalled due to various technical and/or mechanical issues that could pose a safety risk.

Several manufacturers, including Honda, Toyota and General Motors, have offered customers whose cars have been recalled a complimentary replacement rental car. However, all of those cars have also been recalled for various potential safety issues, so none are available.

NP Wire

CNN Vows to Keep Erin Burnett Under Water Until Missing Jet is Found

New York – CNN announced Friday that it would keep Erin Burnett, host of the network’s “OutFront” program, submerged beneath a pool of water, until missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 is found. The pool is currently being built in CNN’s New York studios, and is made to resemble the part of the Indian Ocean where the missing airliner is thought to be, according to Jeff Zucker, CNN Worldwide’s president.

“To prove our commitment to this story, we will submerge one of our top on-air journalists under water, where she will cover the story with her usual grace and integrity,” Zucker said.

Zucker admitted that having Burnett host her show from under the water is a challenge, but he said CNN is “more than prepared” to face it.

“We have cutting edge technology that enables us to broadcast the show seamlessly from under the water,” Zucker said. “Erin will be completely safe, and I can guarantee you, her hair will look amazing. You will hardly notice she’s under water, except for the oxygen mask. And even the necessity of that, we’re looking into.”

Zucker denied that the move is no more than a publicity stunt. On the contrary, he said, it’s about Burnett’s commitment to journalism, as well as the network’s own commitment.

“This goes to show Erin’s commitment to this story, to go where the story leads. In this case, that’s under a pool of water, thousands of miles from anything related to the story,” he said. “This is very brave, in a TV news star kind of way. Moreover, our coverage of this disaster has showcased, and continues to showcase, CNN’s commitment to journalism, or whatever it is you call what it is we do.”


Parents Hope Child Will Develop Several Meaningful Antibodies at Day Care

Maplewood, NJ – Alan and Amy Brandt are excited for their son, Cody, to go to day care. They know he’ll make a lot of new friends, learn new socialization skills and receive music and art lessons. But it’s more than that. Alan and Amy are excited that Cody’s little body will develop many new antibodies that will help stave off infection and disease in the future.

“We know he’s just going to catch all kinds of things,” Amy said. “And that means he’ll build up antibodies to whatever those things are, which means he won’t get those same things in the future. It’s exciting.”

Alan agrees.

“Day care is necessary for us, because we both work, and it’s a great way for Cody to meet other kids his own age and learn how to interact,” he said. “But really, I’m so looking forward to him coming home with some kind of odd viral infection that doctors here have hardly heard of, so that he can build up resistance to it.”

“I just can’t wait,” Amy said, “for those B lymphocytes to make those little guys and fight off all those nasty, evil infections!”