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FBI Almost Certain Bin Laden Not Hiding in FBI Building

Washington – Robert S. Mueller III, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations, announced today that the FBI is, “At long last, and after much back-breaking effort, reasonably certain that Osama Bin Laden is nowhere within FBI Headquarters.”

The FBI is headquartered in the J. Edgar Hoover Building in Washington, D.C. It was the first time the FBI has confirmed somewhere Bin Laden is not. In 2005, they were close to being able to declare him nowhere in Mueller’s office, but then had to hold off on that claim when they realized they hadn’t looked in one of the office’s closets.

Mueller made the announcement in a press briefing at the Hoover Building. He said FBI Agents took part in several comprehensive sweeps of the building over a period of several years. Finally, last week, they were able to conclude with near-certainty that Bin Laden was not anywhere in the headquarters.

“I am proud of my team, and of every member of the Bureau,” Mueller said in his opening remarks. “It has been a mere six and a half years since the 9/11 terror attacks, and we are now almost certain we can remove one building from the millions of places Osama Bin Laden may be. I’d call that a successful record, by any measure.”