Bill That Would Result in Death of Majority of Americans Falls Three Votes Short in Senate

Washington – The Senate today effectively killed the so-called “Breathing is a Privilege” bill, originally put forward by House Republicans and passed by the House of Representatives earlier this week. The bill was defeated in a 52-48 vote, with Democrat Ben Nelson of Nebraska bucking his party to vote in its favor.

The bill would have disallowed every American except the top two percent of earners from seeking access to oxygen. National Guard troops would have been tasked with seizing all available oxygen from around the country and storing it in locked, sealed containers. Armed guards would stand watch at each supply center.

Any American declared ineligible, and not in possession of an Oxygen Access card, would have been denied oxygen, beginning on February 8, 2012.

Experts said that if the bill had managed to pass, the country’s borders would have needed to be sealed off, so that a mass exodus did not occur once people realized they would run out of oxygen, and attempted to go elsewhere to get some.

President Obama faced criticism in the run-up to the Senate vote for not saying conclusively whether or not he would veto the bill, were it to come across his desk. He is no longer faced with such a dilemma.

In remarks on the Senate floor, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said, in supporting passage of the bill, “This bill is admittedly strong and unyielding, but it is necessary. No longer can we live in the welfare state of America, where anyone can receive oxygen, just because they wish to breathe. There have to be limits.”

But some Senate Democrats saw the bill differently. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he could not support the bill, though part of him agreed with its necessity.

“Although I see the logic behind this bill, and the thinking that went into its drafting,” Reid said, “I must draw the line at letting the majority of Americans die, due to lack of available oxygen. I urge my fellow Senators to vote no on this motion, if no other reason than most people in their constituencies will die if it passes.”

Following the vote, Reid admitted the vote was “closer than he would have liked,” but refused to discuss Sen. Nelson’s possible reasons for crossing the aisle. “I respect Senator Nelson very much, but of course, I’m very concerned with the current climate, yes,” Reid said. “Very concerned. Especially with things like the ‘Extermination of the Poverty-Stricken’ bill, which is coming up for a vote next month. I think that has a real shot at passage.”

Republicans, for their part, were celebrating.

“Look, three votes is awfully close, ” said Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC), a supporter of the bill. “And it’s one more than we thought we could count on. So, obviously we’re doing something right, and we have to keep doing it. We almost got this one through, and this kills almost everyone. So I’m optimistic about our chances in the future.”


Democrats, Republicans Confident They Can Get Something Awful to the President Soon

Washington – Showing true bipartisan spirit, Democrats and Republicans from both the House and the Senate say they’re ratcheting up a joint effort to deliver to President Barack Obama “some terrible, God-awful legislation” in a timely manner.


GOP Bill Would Eliminate Middle Class Income Tax by Eliminating Middle Class Income

Washington – In response to the current economic crisis, Senate Republicans introduced a bill today that would simultaneously eliminate the income tax and the income for the so-called ‘middle class,’ which the senators identified as those American households earning less than $100,000 a year. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said the bill “accomplished a difficult objective, difficultly.” The bill may face tough opposition in the Democratic-controlled Senate, although that is unlikely due to the fact that many Democrats are known to have no fortitude of any kind.


Democrats Promise Not to Make Noise While Republicans Are Working

Washington – Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that Democrats in the Senate will do their best from now on not to “make any noise or otherwise disturb hardworking Senate Republicans.” The pledge comes after several Senate Republicans complained about Democrats voicing opinions and otherwise making noise on the Senate floor.

“Today we, as a group of Democrats in the Senate, but also as a party in general, vow to learn that there’s a time and a place to make noise,” Reid said to reporters at the Capitol. He read from a prepared statement, and was surrounded by Charles E. Schumer of New York, and other prominent Senate Democrats. “And the Senate floor is not one of those places, and a Senate session is not one of those times. I know I myself have spoken in an audible voice on the Senate floor, sometimes even in opposition to a bill Senate Republicans were proposing. I can see the folly of my ways now, and I promise to never again obstruct the hard work of these patriotic American senators.”

Republicans responded favorably to the news of Reid’s promise. “I’m pleased with Senator Reid’s announcement,” said Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the Senate minority leader. “I think it shows that these Democrats have finally come to their senses and finally learned that the Senate floor is not a place where they can go running around willy-nilly, stomping and throwing little tantrums and making all kinds of noise. There’s work being done. Adult work. And they need to let that work happen in an orderly, civilized, and most importantly, quiet fashion. And then when we’re done working, we’ll let them know how things were decided so they can go vote for or against whatever it is we’ve determined they should vote for or against.”

However, it appears not all Democrats have gotten Reid’s message. Senators Chris Dodd of Connecticut and Russ Feingold of Wisconsin have both vowed to do whatever they can to oppose the passage of the upcoming FISA bill.

Asked about these renegade Democrats, McConnell said, “Well, sometimes you just have to give them a timeout. You don’t like to do it, but sometimes it’s the only way. They may cry a little, they may say they hate you, but the next time, they don’t make the same mistake again. Next time they’re nice and quiet.”