Categories
Living

Father Would Give Left Testicle to Not Have to Watch ‘Frozen’ Again

Studio City, CA – Adam Band, a father of two young girls, announced Saturday that he would be willing to give up one of his two testicles, in exchange for never again having to watch the Disney film “Frozen.” Band said the offer began as a joke, but is now real and firm, and will be on the table for 48 hours.

Band’s two daughters, Audrey, 7 and Zoe, 4, are both obsessed with the Disney film, as is seemingly every female child in America, and many male children as well. Band says the girls watch the movie at least once a day, usually right after the family eats dinner, which is only shortly after Adam gets home from his job at a nearby movie studio. (Adam prefers not to name the studio at which he works, but he assures us it isn’t Disney.)

“They come home every day and watch it,” Adam said. “Every day. I love my girls, but that much of anything can make any person start screaming.”

Adam says his wife, Emily, has also seen the film multiple times, but doesn’t seem to be as bothered by it as he is.

“She seems okay, but me, I see Elsa and Anna everywhere I go,” Adam said, referring to the two main characters in “Frozen,” the sisters who grow up apart from one another, then reunite in the film’s third act. “I’ll be driving and I think I’ll see the two of them up ahead, smiling at me. I slam on the brakes, but thee’s no one there. It’s like a Stephen King movie.”

Another issue is the music, says Adam. “Let It Go” has proven to be the biggest hit on a soundtrack that spent 35 consecutive weeks at number one on the Billboard 200 albums chart. Other songs from the film are widely known as well, like “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” and “For the First Time in Forever.”

“I’m humming the damn things all day long at work,” says Adam. “And it’s not like I want to. God, do I not want to. It’s like some kind of brilliant subliminal planting that they’ve done to make those songs stay in your head. They’re just stuck in there, no matter what I do. The same thing happened to me with ‘Let’s Hear it for the Boy’ years ago, and I barely got over that.”

Adam was finally driven to make the offer that is currently on the table after running out of options. He realizes it is not a desire of his children or his wife for him to lose one of his testicles, but he said, at this point, he’ll consider anything.

“I said that as a joke,” he admits. “Or more of a moaning kind of plea to the gods, really, than a joke. But if my wife wants to take me up on it, and say, ‘If Daddy gives up a testicle, you girls can’t watch “Frozen” with him in the house anymore,’ then I will certainly keep up my end of the bargain.”

Adam admits losing a testicle would be potentially traumatic, and the procedure may be fraught with some danger.

“It would be worth it,” he said. “Believe me. I wouldn’t have that movie constantly with me, for the first time in forever. Argh! See? You see that? Goddamn it!”

Categories
National

Report: Boys Will Be Boys, Then Become Men Who Hit Women in the Face

A report released by the Heinz Center for Family Research finds that boys will be boys, then grow into men who often hit women in the face and engage in other abusive and violent behavior. The report is part of a larger study which tracked the behavior of hundreds of American males from the time they were toddlers up through full-grown adulthood.

Tim Reinhold, lead researcher on the study, said the study’s results, as outlined in the report, were remarkably consistent across the board.

“We found that boys whose violent or aggressive behavior was dismissed as just ‘boys being boys’ as young males later became men who hit women, hurt women, abused others,” Reinhold said. “Most of the time, the target was a woman.”

As an example, Reinhold pointed to one of the individuals tracked by the study. This man, who was referred to as Subject 12, acted very aggressively as a boy, stealing the belongings of other children and breaking their toys and other possessions. He especially targeted girls.

When any of the girls complained to teachers and others about Subject 12’s behavior, and these people relayed the complaints to Subject 12’s parents, the response was always, “Boys will be boys.” It was Subject 12’s mother who made the statement most often, but his father said it as well on the rare occasion that he appeared at the school.

Subject 12 grew into a star athlete in high school, but misbehaved often and was the target of complaints by fellow students regarding bullying and other similar incidents. When his parents were confronted with the complaints, the response was, “Well, boys will be boys.”

In college, Subject 12’s athletic career blossomed, as he became a star running back on the football team. He was also the subject of complaints on the part of at least three women who claimed he had been violent with them and made unwanted sexual advances. When the coach of the football team was asked about the complaints, he replied, “Everyone knows boys will be boys.”

After a failed attempt to play professional football, Subject 12 was twice arrested for domestic violence. His wife, who later divorced him, was hospitalized on the second occasion. When police interviewed Subject 12 about the incident, he said, “Hey, boys will be boys, you know?”

Categories
National

Racist Longs for Bygone Days When Police Brutality Wasn’t Recorded

Lynbrook, NY – Patrick Dunlop, a 78-year-old retired racist, finds himself bemoaning the loss of a simpler time, a lost era, the era that he grew up in.

“Everything was simpler then,” Dunlop said. “A kid could walk down the street by himself. A man was a man. There was none of this videotaping everything. It was a simpler time. A better time.”

The issue of our current generation’s obsession with documenting everything they do on ubiquitous cameras raises Dunlop’s ire most, in fact. Specifically, the trend of videotaping police officers — whether it’s a dashboard camera recording an officer pulling someone over, or a cellphone camera capturing alleged abuse, Dunlop wishes all the cameras and easily-accessible video equipment would disappear.

“This is just absurd, all this video-taping of the cops beating people up or whatever it is,” Dunlop said. “In my day, this type of stuff was going on, but we didn’t know about it. We didn’t have to hear about it. I didn’t have to watch it on the news. And it was better that way.”

Doesn’t he think it’s better to know what is actually going on in the world, rather than living in ignorance?

“No, not at all,” Dunlop said. “I’m a racist, first of all. I thought I was clear about that. So, why would I care if it’s going on, and why would I want to know it’s going on? Second of all, ignorance is fantastic. Ask any ignorant person. It’s the best. You can live your life and do your thing and not have all this morality and ‘this is bad’ and ‘that’s bad’ and what have you stuffed in your face.”

So, does he think it doesn’t matter that there is police brutality going on, and that in many cases, it’s directed towards black men?

“I’ll tell you the truth, most of these guys, they deserve it. That’s my opinion,” Dunlop said. “Now, you have to take into account that I’m a racist and I’m also ignorant, but that’s how I feel about it.”

Dunlop wishes the world could be the way it was when he was growing up in the 1950’s and ’60’s. Beyond not hearing about racism-fueled police brutality, he didn’t even cross paths with many minorities for much of his formative years. And that was perfect for him.

“For an ignorant racist like me, it was the best time to grow up. It really was,” he said. “I just wish it could be like that again.”

Categories
Business/Economy

Financial Adviser Suggests Couple Discover Rich Uncle

Trenton, NJ – The financial adviser hired by John and Amy Becker had only one suggestion for the couple after reviewing their finances: they should try to discover a rich uncle, and they should do it as soon as possible. According to the adviser, Chase Decklan, the couple has no other options to generate more income and thereby get themselves out of the large amount of debt they have accrued.

“They both have college loans they’re paying back, they’re living in a house they really can’t afford, and they have credit card debt,” Decklan said. “Neither one has a high-paying job or any real marketable skills, and there are no other assets or investments to generate income, either.”

“Really, they have no other choice,” Decklan said. “It’s time for them to get out there, call their parents, and see if there’s a rich uncle somewhere down the line. Even a great-uncle. Something. Someone that has a lot of money and would feel obligated, due to familial guilt, into helping these two out.”

John and Amy say they don’t know of any rich relatives in either one of their families, and don’t see much hope of discovering one, either.

“I don’t even have any uncles,” John said. “I have a great aunt that won the lotto once. But that was, like, fifteen hundred dollars, and I think she spent it all on towels. She likes really nice towels.”

“I have uncles, but they don’t have any money,” Amy said. “One of them is crazy, though, so he might be willing to rob a bank or something like that, and help us out that way. That’s about the only thing I can think of right now.”

Categories
Living

Web Designer Considers his Second-Youngest the Internet Explorer of his Five Children

San Diego, CA – Josh Truek, a 39-year-old web designer, has five children, three girls and two boys, with his wife, Claire. Their youngest child, Maxine, is two-and-a-half. The oldest is Sadie, who is 11.

The second-youngest child, Zach, is five years old. Josh loves Zach as much as any of his other children, but he has to admit that parenting Zach has been unique, at the very least, and at times, even mind-boggling.

“He just has a lot of unique quirks and foibles, none of which were familiar to us from the three [children] that came before him,” Josh says. “Or the one that came after.”

“In their first two or so years, they did almost nothing the way Zach did,” Josh said.

Josh is familiar with dealing with foibles and quirks from his work as a web designer. He often has to account for the many differences in how web browsers behave. Specifically, Internet Explorer, especially in its earlier versions, has been known to confound web professionals across the globe with its idiosyncratic behavior, that seems completely at odds with the behavior of other popular browsers like Mozilla Firefox, Google Chrome, or Apple’s Safari.

“The differences are so stark that you have to account for them many dozens of times in one website design,” Josh said. “It can drive you mad, because this certain aspect of a design will work perfectly in all the other major browsers, but just look completely bonkers on Internet Explorer. It happens all the time.”

Josh says he hesitates to compare any of his children to something as trivial as a web browser, but he can’t help but notice a correlation between the behavior of Zach relative to his other children and the behavior of Internet Explorer relative to other browsers.

“The other four were pretty much the same, relatively speaking,” Josh says. “But Zach is, like, from a different planet, in terms of behavior and what have you.”

Josh is quick to point out that he doesn’t think the difference is down to gender, as his older son Lucas, 11, behaved much more like his three sisters as a younger child than he did like Max.

“I don’t think that has anything to do with it, really,” Josh said, regarding the gender issue. “I really don’t. I think Zach is just Zach, and he’s unique.”

So Josh and Claire make their adjustments, re-configure their old systems, develop workarounds, to compensate for the one-of-a-kind behavior of Zach.

“I mean, we wouldn’t have it any other way,” Josh says. “I love all my kids. Love them to death. Maybe, at the end of the day, you even have more of a soft spot for the one that drove you crazy. I don’t know. That being said, though, as a designer, I hate Internet Explorer. Like, just absolutely loathing, I feel. So, I don’t really want to think about what that means.”