Conyers Sends Rove Singing Subpoena-Gram

Washington – During the opening statement of a House Judiciary Committee hearing Friday, Chairman John Conyers (D-MI) announced that he had sent former Bush aide Karl Rove a “singing subpoena-gram,” which Conyers said is like a singing telegram, except that it serves as a reminder to the recipient that he or she has been served with a subpoena that they have yet to respond to.

“This morning, I served Mr. Rove with the subpoena-gram as a reminder that he had been served a subpoena by this committee some time ago, which he has not yet responded to in any way,” Conyers said as part of his prepared statement. “It is my hope that the memorable nature of the subpoena-gram and its delivery may serve as a wake-up call to Mr. Rove. Maybe he missed the original, ordinary subpoena. Maybe he lost it under his desk or misfiled it with his weekly coupons. I can only guess as to why Mr. Rove has not responded to the original subpoena. But this way, no claim can rightfully be made that he ‘missed it’ or ‘didn’t know about it.’ My friends, you can’t miss a singing subpoena-gram.”

Rove was served a subpoena by the House Judiciary Committee May 23. He has thus far refused to respond. The committee voted this week to cite Rove for contempt of Congress.

Later in the day, Senate Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said his committee was considering a similar course of action towards Mr. Rove. The Senate Judiciary Committee served Mr. Rove with its own subpoena in August of last year. Mr. Rove has refused to respond to the Senate subpoena as well.

“After Chairman Conyers’ statement this morning, we went back and talked about our options,” Leahy told reporters outside his office. “And let me just say, without getting into specifics, that there are many options on the table at this time. As you know, our subpoena to Mr. Rove has been ignored far longer than the House committee’s subpoena. In fact, we intended earlier this week to send a reminder of our own to Mr. Rove, of the fact that he was subpoenaed by our committee. Unfortunately the member of my staff who was put in charge of issuing that reminder, Jerry Aberrnathy, doesn’t have much experience with official congressional business, or any official business, for that matter. In fact, he has difficulty with certain tasks. Even simple tasks. Stapling, for example, gives him trouble. I only brought him on, in fact, because he’s Arlen Specter’s nephew by marriage or something. Anyway, Mr. Aberrnathy mistakenly issued the reminder to Daniel Rove, who is an obstetrician in Denver, and who was never subpoenaed by this committee or any other that I’m aware of. But he was not pleased with the mistake, as you might imagine. And the reminder to Mr. Rove, Karl Rove, never did get to him. Needless to say, I’ve told Mr. Aberrnathy that he’s been relieved of his duties. But he thought I was asking him if he went to the bathroom. He said, ‘Yes, thank you. I did a number one a short time ago.’ It’s a bit difficult. We’re having trouble making him understand that he’s been dismissed.”


Rove Searching for New Unqualified Politician to Work With

Washington – These days, you can see Karl Rove on Fox News, where he serves as an on-air analyst, or read his columns in Newsweek or The Wall Street Journal. But what many people don’t know is that when he isn’t opining on the current election-year politics, he’s out pounding the pavement, searching for a new unusually underqualified politician that he can team up with. In short, he’s looking for a replacement for George W. Bush.

“What you’re looking for is someone who knows power, and is comfortable in those circles, but has no actual skills or acumen,” Rove said, as he sipped coffee and walked down a street in the upscale Dupont Circle section of Washington. He said he’s hoping to find a young, wealthy man, ideally the beneficiary of a large family fortune who doesn’t have much to do with his time and has no real desire to do anything in particular. “But you want them at that stage where they’re beginning to get sick of doing nothing,” Rove continued. “Where they’ve been hanging out and doing keg stands and bong hits so long that all that’s really getting old. They’re looking for something, but they don’t know what it is. That’s when I show up and say I have what they need. First they think I’m there to sell them pot, but then I tell them I can introduce them to the exciting world of politics. Then, usually I have to get past the initial disappointment that I really don’t have any pot to sell them. But eventually they get it, and they become interested.”

Karl Rove

But Rove is not sure he’ll ever find a specimen as ideal as George W. Bush, whom Mr. Rove met when they were both young men. Rove convinced Bush to run for governor of Texas in 1994.

“It was a perfect relationship, really,” Mr. Rove said, almost with a sigh. “Because George, you know, he was like a piece of clay. He was so malleable, because of his low IQ and lack of understanding of what was going on around him, that you could just mold him into whatever you wanted him to be.”

Mr. Rove guided Mr. Bush to two terms as governor, and then two terms as President of the United States. Many people find this remarkable due to Mr. Bush’s lack of experience and/or qualifications. But Mr. Rove says that is precisely the point.

“You want someone with no qualifications. You want someone with as much of a blank slate as you can get, on his resume, but more importantly, in his head. Because then you can fill that head with whatever you need to be in there.” Rove continued, “Now, I don’t know that I’ll ever find a slate as blank as George’s. So, so blank. An endless canvas on which to create.” Rove looked down at his coffee and chuckled. “You know, you just have to ask yourself, ‘Can lightning strike twice?’ I don’t know, honestly. But I’m going to try to make it happen. Hey, look, there’s a dim-looking young guy getting out of that Porsche. I gotta go introduce myself.”