Hackers Break into Congressional Computer System, Balance Budget

Washington – An unidentified group of hackers broke into computers used by members of the United States Congress and their staffs, and while in the system managed to balance the federal budget, according to several FBI agents and other law enforcement officials.

No one has yet taken responsibility for the attack, which resulted in what many economists are hailing as a “sensible, balanced budget,” with no other apparent damage to government computers or data.

If adopted, the budget could put an end to a bitter fight over whether or not the United States should raise the so-called “debt ceiling,” in addition to solving several other thorny budgetary and fiscal issues.

“This is a strange hack, because it looks like all they wanted to do was get in there and balance the budget,” said an FBI agent, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity because the case is still under investigation. “There was no malicious software put on any of the computers, no information was apparently stolen — just a balanced budget left on the screens of all the congressional computers for everyone to see when they got into work today.”


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Miscommunicated Talking Points Cause Republicans to Condemn ‘Hairless Spending’

Washington – In what is assumed to be a miscommunication in the relaying of the day’s talking points, several prominent Republicans each condemned what they referred to as “hairless spending” proposed by President Obama. Members from both houses of Congress made public appearances and gave television interviews in which they used the term.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell appeared in front of reporters at the Capitol this morning, and said, “The problem with this budget, as I see it, is that it reveals a love of spending on the part of this president. Not just a love for spending, but a love of unnecessary spending, hairless spending.” Reporters asked what Mr. McConnell meant by “hairless spending,” and he said, “I mean just what I said. This president has shown that he loves spending. He loves unnecessary spending, and he loves hairless spending. I don’t really see how I could be more clear about it.”

Several hours later, House Minority Leader John Boehner appeared on the CBS Evening News, and in an interview with host Katie Couric, repeated the phrase. “Well, Republicans, Katie, are just not big fans of this much spending,” Mr. Boehner said. “But this president seems to be in love with spending. With unnecessary spending, with hairless spending. And that’s just not what we need right now.”

Ms. Couric appeared confused, and asked if perhaps the minority leader meant “careless spending.” “No, Katie,” Mr. Boehner replied with a smile, “you’re not going to put words in my mouth. I said what I said because I meant it. This spending is hairless, Katie. Hairless and unnecessary.”

Michael Steel, a spokesman for Mr. Boehner, later acknowledged that there had, in fact, been a miscommunication, but that it was on the part of anyone who thought Mr. Boehner had said “hairless spending” when referring to Mr. Obama’s proposed budget. “Obviously Leader Boehner was not speaking about spending that has no hair on it,” Mr. Steel said. “He was misunderstood, and clearly said ‘careless spending’ when referring to the bloated budget proposed by President Obama. Perhaps people who heard ‘hairless spending’ need to get their ears cleaned. I’m sure there’s some money in the Obama budget for that.”


Republicans Propose ‘Infiniti Stimulus Package’ for the Already Wealthy

Washington – House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio introduced a Republican-backed stimulus package meant to counter one favored by Democrats and the White House. Unlike the Democrat-backed bill, the Republican stimulus package would be ultra-exclusive, amounting to $800 billion divided evenly among 20 rich white men.

“This is the stimulus package for the person who already has a stimulus package,” Mr. Boehner said on the House floor while proposing the alternative bill. “That original package is their bank account and/or their income. This is on top of that. What do you give the man who has everything? More.”

The Republican-backed package, dubbed the Infiniti Stimulus Package, provides no funding whatsoever for any aid programs for the poor or uninsured, no funds to be put towards infrastructure spending or renewable energy programs. In fact, the entirety of the bill’s language is a two-column table – the names of the 20 men in the left column, and the portion of the $800 billion each of them will receive in the right column. Each recipient would receive $40 billion under the plan.

“This package isn’t for everybody,” Boehner acknowledged. “In fact, it’s very nearly for nobody. It’s for these 20 guys. But it is what’s best for America and for our economy. You want to talk about job creation? How about the thousands of servants that will be necessary once these guys receive their $40 billion stimulus checks? Now, that’s what I call rapid job growth.”


Republicans Warn of Giant Government Attacking Populace with Contraceptives

Washington – House Republicans today warned the people of Washington, D.C. that they are at risk of attack from “a gigantic government wielding several types of contraceptives.” House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio held a press conference this afternoon to issue the warning.

“Today my Republican colleagues in the House of Representatives and I have learned of a grave threat to the people of this great city,” Boehner said in prepared remarks. “There is, at this moment, a gigantic government loose somewhere in Washington. This government is unwieldy, it is unpredictable, and it is armed with thousands of contraceptives.”