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World

Biden Keeps Challenging World Leaders to Arm-Wrestle

Washington – Vice President Joe Biden has alarmed President Barack Obama and other members of the Obama administration in recent days by offering to arm-wrestle each world leader that has come to meet with the president, according to sources who attended the meetings.

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Business/Economy

Obama Asks Biden How $10 Million for Skittles Got Into Budget

Washington – During a closed-door meeting Sunday, President Barack Obama asked Vice President Joe Biden what he knew about how a provision allocating $10 million to the purchase of Skittles, a popular candy, made its way into Mr. Obama’s proposed budget. The two men had just given a press briefing regarding health care initiatives, and an active microphone was left behind in the room. Therefore, a portion of the meeting was recorded.

“Joe, I’m just going to ask you flat out,” Mr. Obama is heard saying. “Did you put that provision in there? The Skittles thing?”

“Me? No. No way, Chief,” Biden said. “I would never.”

“Well, someone put it in there, Joe. And it wasn’t me.”

“Well, you know, now that you mention it,” Biden said, “I did see [Chief of Staff Rahm] Emanuel looking through the budget pretty intently. And he had a kind of look in his eye. Like maybe he wanted to do something. You know?”

“Uh huh,” Mr. Obama replied.

“Plus, plus, I happen to know he has a huge sweet tooth. Emanuel. Like a junkie with the candy and stuff like that. Can’t get enough.”

“Joe, you have Skittles in your pocket right now,” Mr. Obama pointed out. “They’re falling out. I can see them.”

“What, these? Oh, yeah, but I’m… I’m holding these for him. For Emanuel. They’re not mine,” Biden said. “See, that’s what I’m saying. He stashes this stuff everywhere!”

“Joe, this is just really sad,” Mr. Obama said. The microphone was apparently discovered at that point, and switched off or taken from the room. The last audible snippet is Mr. Biden saying, “Mr. President, if I was going to eat any candy, it’d be the Charleston Chew. Now, that’s a candy.” But a White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter, said that he believes Mr. Biden did eventually confess to inserting the provision into the budget.

“My assumption is that Vice President Biden must have broken down and admitted what he did at some point,” the aide said. “The president can be very persistent. But beyond that, everyone knew it was Joe, because the slip of paper he inserted into the budget document still had the ‘From the Desk of Joe Biden’ thing at the top of it. So it wasn’t really a tough case to crack.”

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World

Obama Considers Selling Biden to Japan for Cash and Goods

Washington – President Barack Obama is reportedly considering a plan to sell Vice President Joe Biden to Japan for an undisclosed amount of cash and goods. Mr. Obama said he has not made a final decision, but that all options are on the table in the current financial crisis, even “selling the Vice President, if it will help.”

“I met with my economic team this morning,” Mr. Obama said. “And we agreed that a move like that, selling Joe to Japan, if it can bring a cash infusion into the U.S. economy, help to jump-start it in some way, then it has to be considered.”

Asked what he thought Mr. Biden might be worth, Mr. Obama said, “I don’t know the going rate for vice presidents, but he has to be able to fetch a pretty good price. He’s been a Senator a long time, he’s well-known. Handsome. He should bring in a decent amount, I would think.”

Mr. Biden had no comment.

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National

Biden Pushing for Inaugural Moon Bounce

Washington – For several days now, Vice President-elect Joe Biden has been lobbying members of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies to include as part of the official swearing-in ceremony a moon bounce, an inflatable structure that people can enter and bounce up and down in. So far, there has been no ruling by the committee regarding Biden’s request.

“We have not come to a decision on the, the moon bounce as yet,” said Senator Diane Feinstein of California, chair of the committee. “We have explained to Vice President-elect Biden, however, that at this late date, it may not be logistically possible to include such a–a, uh, item in the festivities. Everything’s in place already, and has been for some time now.”

“Well, I just think it would be fantastic to have one of those,” Biden said. “Have you seen them? They’re amazing. You go inside–No, first you take off your shoes. Then you go inside. And you know what you do then? You bounce around like a crazy person! Isn’t that fantastic? You just let it all go and jump up and down like you’re on some kind of powerful combination of drugs. It’s fantastic.”

Biden suggests having the moon bounce somewhere near the steps of the Capitol, where the swearing in of both he and Mr. Obama will take place. “I don’t know, like up behind the swearing in somewhere,” Biden said. “It doesn’t have to detract from the actual ceremony. It could be tasteful. But I mean, wouldn’t that be great, though, to have senators and congressmen and people from the crowd bouncing up and down while Barack’s taking the oath of office? I think it’d be wild. I’ll tell you right now, if they agree and put one of those things there, right after I get sworn in, my shoes are coming off and I am so in that thing, it’s not even funny.”

Asked whether he was aware that inflatable structures like the moon bounce are typically meant for children, Biden said, “Children? Oh, no, I don’t think so. I don’t know where you got that information from, but, I mean, for instance, we’ve had one in the Senate chamber for years now, and there’s no kids in there. There’s just a bunch of fun-loving senators who love taking off their shoes and jumping up and down like maniacs. By the way, do you know there’s also a little hole you can jump through to get out, and you go down a slide?! Can you believe that?!”

Categories
Politics

Cheney Asks if He Can Be Secretary of Evil

Washington – Vice President Dick Cheney asked Vice President-elect Joe Biden of Delaware about the possibility of serving in the Obama administration as Secretary of Evil. The two men and their wives met at the White House Thursday. This morning, Biden told reporters about Cheney’s request.

“He just came out and asked me,” Biden said. “He just said, ‘Hey, Joe, what do you think about me in the adminsitration?’ And I said, ‘In what capacity?’ And he said, ‘I was thinking Secretary of Evil. You guys don’t have anyone like that right now.’ And I said, ‘No, we don’t, Dick. No, we don’t.’ And I told him I would certainly pass along his message to President-elect Obama and see what he says.”

Secretary of Evil has never been a cabinet-level position in any U.S. president’s administration. Experts said it was unlikely that Mr. Obama would create an entirely new post, especially one that would be filled by a member of the outgoing Bush administration.

Mr. Cheney could not be reached for comment, but President Bush, told of Mr. Cheney’s desire to serve in the Obama administration, said, “Oh, Secretary of Evil? Oh, he’d be great at that. That’s kind of what he is now. But what about me, though? I think I could help them, too. I’d be willing to serve, help out. Maybe, uh, maybe Secretary of Snacks or something. How about that? Do they have one of those?”