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National

Bush Asks History to Preemptively Pardon Him

Washington – President Bush made a public plea today for History to preemptively pardon him from any negative judgments that might be leveled against him in the future. Many believe Mr. Bush will indeed be judged harshly by History, and as his second and final term draws to a close, aides said he made it a point to address the issue publicly.

“Let me ask History for some compassion, some sympathy, and request a preemptive pardon for any negative judgment I might receive down the line,” Bush said from the South Lawn of the White House. “Some may say in the future, as they say now, that I have made many mistakes during my time as president. That may be true. But maybe a better way to look at it is to look at negative things I could have done, but didn’t. I never murdered anyone in the Oval Office itself, for example. I never hurt any old ladies, unless they were really getting in my face, and then I may have had a Secret Service agent do something or other. No, but what I’m trying to say is, relatively speaking, have I really been so bad?”

After speaking for several minutes, the president took questions from reporters. One reporter listed many of the president’s perceived failings, including his response to Hurricane Katrina, the Iraq War’s insufficient planning and flawed execution, the aborted nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, and the Justice Department scandal involving U.S. attorneys who were allegedly fired for political reasons. Bush responded, “Yeah, those things are there, and that’s a whole lot of things. But I bet you could list just as many things that I haven’t done wrong. Ready? I’ll start. Haven’t killed in Oval Office – said that already. Haven’t… released toxic fumes into the air around Washington. Not on purpose. Haven’t hired small children from impoverished nations to test my food for possible poisons, though I could have. Haven’t hired incompetent people for important jobs just because they’re friends of mine, at the risk of—Oh, no, wait. I did do that one. So, wait, how many was that, before that last one?”

There was no response from History regarding Mr. Bush’s request.

Categories
World

Study Finds Lifelong Link Between Bush, Flawed Intelligence

Washington – A Pentagon-sponsored study to be released Friday has found that President Bush has relied on deeply flawed intelligence since his birth. The report finds the intelligence, given to Bush by Bush, has been “almost wholly flawed,” and that it “has led to what appears to be an unending series of misguided decisions and actions, which have sometimes led to injury to George W. Bush or to others.”

The nonpartisan commission, formed by the Pentagon to delve into intelligence failings prior to the 2003 invasion of Iraq, engaged in extensive research of the intelligence Mr. Bush received prior to the war. What they discovered, according to Jason Margline, one of the report’s authors and a member of the commission, was that the problem was much deeper.

“We didn’t anticipate the extent of this,” Margline said. “We kept going further and further back, and eventually realized the issue wasn’t just with the intelligence prior to the war, but to President Bush’s intelligence throughout his entire life.” Margline said the committee found evidence of several stark instances where Mr. Bush’s flawed intelligence nearly led to disaster. “For instance, when he was seven, he tried to eat a rock. He thought it was an egg. And from the research we conducted, it seems his brain did in fact interpret the rock as an egg. Of course, it wasn’t, it was a rock. And naturally, his mother and father were alarmed when he bit into it. Several times.”

A few years later, another incident occurred, this one coming when Mr. Bush was about fifteen years old. “He was out on a boat with his brother, Jeb. And they were fishing. And when they were done, they pulled the boat to shore and got out of the boat. Well, George told Jeb he wanted to take a swim. So he removed his shirt and shoes, and jumped off the boat and into the sand. Jeb looked at him, startled, as George made swimming motions and tried to dive down deeper into the sand. And, of course, that didn’t work.”

President Bush, when asked about the report’s findings, said, “Well, I don’t put too much weight in these studies. Or I don’t put too many weight. Which is it, too much or to many weight? Well, anyway, what I was going to say is, the report is mistaken. My intelligence is completely satisfactory. No, it’s better than satisfactory. It’s inadequate.”