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World

Report: Administration Misled in Run-up to Lying

Washington – A Senate panel this week released a report which says the Bush administration misled Americans in the run-up to the lying to Americans that took place shortly thereafter. “There is ample proof that members of the administration misled the American public prior to its future lying to that same American public,” the report states. “Then, after the lying there was another round of misleading, but that is the subject of a separate report. There’s only so much untruth we can analyze at one time.”

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NPN The Mack Truck

Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show – McCain and Oil

An excerpt from the May 4th episode of The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show, in which the Mack Truck discusses the uproar over recent comments made by Senator John McCain. A transcript follows the video.

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World

McCain Vows to Defeat Nazis and Japanese in Iraq

Bay Ridge, Brooklyn – NY – At this morning’s campaign stop in the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn, John McCain vowed that if elected, he will “defeat the forces of Nazism in Iraq, and also the Japanese forces that are there, which is well known.” The comments were the latest example of what many see as confusion on McCain’s part regarding the makeup of the Iraqi insurgency. He has referred several times to cooperation between Iran, a predominately Shiite nation, and Al Qaeda in Iraq, a group which is largely Sunni. Earlier this week McCain seemed to repeat the error once again when questioning Iraq commander Gen. David Petraeus in Senate hearings.

Today, McCain only furthered suspicion that he might not be as certain of the realities of the ethnic and religious divisions within Iraq and the greater Middle East. “My friends, I’m not the kind of guy to say ‘I told you so,’ but I knew we needed to stop Hitler at Munich. Unfortunately, my warnings were not heeded,” said McCain, who was two years old when the Munich Agreement was signed in 1938. “And now, my friends, the Nazis are in Iraq, making the challenge our troops face there even tougher. And it’s a shame. It’s just a shame. Because we’ve already got the Al Qaeda there. And the Sunni. And the Shia. And the Japanese. It’s just a mess. And it must be very crowded.”

Following the statement, it was a young woman in the audience, not a reporter, who confronted McCain about the inaccuracies in his comments (members of the news media have taken a blood oath never to confront Mr. McCain directly regarding any error or misstatement he may make). “Senator McCain, neither the Nazis nor the Japanese are in Iraq,” the audience member, who did not give her name, pointed out. “I am rather frightened that you don’t know that, or that you’re—that you appear to be confused about these facts. These very important facts.”

McCain shuffled his feet and chuckled a bit. “Well, young lady, everyone is entitled to their opinion, even young people. No, but I’ve been to Iraq several times now, and I know what the truth is on the ground over there. And these roadside bombs that the Nazis are blowing up all over the place, they’re not a figment of my imagination. They’re real. I may be old, but I’m not crazy. You mark my words. If we don’t defeat the Nazis now, they’ll go on and probably invade Poland. I’m telling you.”

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World

Moveon.org Kills 17 U.S. Troops

The liberal website Moveon.org unleashed a flurry of coordinated roadside bomb attacks in the al-Anbar Province of Iraq, killing 17 United States soldiers and wounding five others.

“We hate the soldiers, and freedom, and the American way of life,” a statement released by Moveon.org said. “We will do all we can to defeat the evil forces of the occupier, the United States. Praise be to Allah.”

When asked about the attacks, President Bush said, “Moveon.org is a menace, a dangerous threat to freedom. They are closely linked with Al Qaeda, and we have new intelligence that suggests they sought to obtain uranium from Niger.”

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National

President Attempts to Distract Country With Puppet Show

Washington – In a nationally televised address tonight, President Bush attempted to distract a country concerned with the war in Iraq by performing a one-man puppet show.

“My fellow Americans, tonight I bring you good news,” Bush said. He then reached under his desk and pulled out two puppets, one red, one blue. He put one puppet on each hand and said, “For tonight you are to be blessed with a performance by Mr. Zippy and Miss Doo.”

The president then began acting the part of each puppet, with the red puppet presumably being Mr. Zippy, and the blue puppet Miss Doo. The president gave Mr. Zippy a gruff, gravelly, low-octave voice, and Miss Doo a falsetto-range higher voice. The president seemed to be very committed to his performance.

“‘Hey, Mr. Zippy, do you know why today is a good day?'” the president asked, playing the part of Miss Doo. “‘No, Miss Doo. Why is it a good day?’ ‘Because, Mr. Zippy, today we get to announce that we’re bringing 5700 troops home. Yay!'”

That remark, in the high-pitched voice of Miss Doo, was the only reference the president made to the war in Iraq. He, through the two hand puppets, discussed topics as diverse as spaghetti, the wish to fly, and why dogs are so much better than cats.

After a particularly high-energy exchange between the two puppets, President Bush, giggling and red-faced, seemed to remember that he was live on television in front of millions of viewers. He put the two hand puppets under the desk as he said, “Hope you enjoyed. God bless you. And God bless America.” He then lifted up Miss Doo, and in her voice, yelled, “‘Bye bye! See ya next time!'”

Stunned news anchors like Charles Gibson and Brian Williams were at a complete loss for how to follow the president’s performance/statement.

The White House released a statement shortly following the president’s appearance, which said, in part, “The president thought the nation could use a lift tonight. And what better way to lift the spirits of the nation than with a good, old-fashioned puppet show?”

Contrary to the report’s implications that the performance was somehow planned or intentional, however, witnesses say they observed the president being taken out of the White House and into a waiting ambulance. It was assumed he was being taken to a facility for psychiatric evaluation. One witness said he overheard the president muttering to himself, with a wide, giddy smile, “Mr. Zippy secretly loves Miss Doo. But he’ll never tell her that. No. Never tell her.”