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World

Iran Agrees Not to Make Fun of Kerry’s Face in Exchange for Easing of Sanctions

Geneva, Switzerland — The United States and Iran reached an historic agreement Sunday, the major pillars of which are an agreement by Iran not to mock the odd-looking face of U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, in exchange for an easing of sanctions imposed on Iran by the United States and the European Union.

“This is an historic agreement,” Secretary Kerry said in a statement to reporters. “It proves that diplomacy can work, that it does work, and obviously it’s a very personal victory for me, as it is my face that will no longer be made fun of as a result of the agreement.”

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World

Iran Will Only Meet with U.S. if U.S. Representatives Get Nothing to Drink

Tehran – Iran’s Foreign Minister announced today that a precondition for any bilateral meeting between Iran and United States would be an assurance that “nothing delicious or cold was made available for the U.S. representatives to drink.” The minister, Manouchehr Mottaki, made the announcement in an interview on Iranian television Tuesday morning.

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World

McCain Invades Iran Himself

USS Nimitz – Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain flew an F-18 Hornet into Iranian airspace today and dropped several 2,000 lb. bombs on what he thought were important military targets. The bombs were actually dropped into a cluster of camels in an otherwise abandoned stretch of desert. One camel was reportedly wounded. McCain was not fired upon by Iranian air defense forces, presumably because he was nowhere near a significant target, and he returned to the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier at approximately 2PM Eastern Standard Time.

McCain, a Navy fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, said he “was just sick of waiting around” and decided to take on the invasion himself. No other U.S. military personnel participated in the invasion, and it was “wholly unauthorized,” according to a statement released by the U.S. Navy. The statement went on, “Neither the United States Navy nor any other branch of the U.S. military ordered this invasion, which was solely the work of Senator McCain. We cannot speak to what Senator McCain was thinking in undertaking such a mission, but we feel fortunate that he did no substantial damage and caused no serious injuries. Except for the camel, of course.”

McCain dropped bombs on what he thought were two “targets.” The first was what he thought was a newly constructed nuclear reactor, and the second was the home of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In fact, McCain had dropped the first set of bombs into the cluster of camels, then somehow circled around and dropped the second set of bombs on the camels again. Reports indicate the same camel was injured both times.

“I think I definitely hit Ahmadinejad’s house, though I can’t be sure,” McCain said. “Visibility was pretty low, but that was mainly because the goggles fell down into my mouth and then my eyes teared up. So I just started dropping those suckers. But I was near his house, I think. I was near something. Something that seemed like a house. And the first target was definitely a nuclear reactor of some kind, that I could tell was being constructed. And that one, I blew to smithereens.”

Reporters told McCain he had only wounded a camel, twice, and that no worthwhile military targets were hit or were even nearby. They showed him a copy of the Navy statement.

“A camel?” McCain asked in disbelief, after reading the statement. “No, no. That was no camel, my friends. One target was a nuclear reactor, and the other was a house that I believe one outspoken Iranian president lives in. Or at least…used to live in.” McCain then chuckled.

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NPN The Mack Truck

Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey – Obama, Appeasement and Iran

The Mack Truck discusses Barack Obama’s stated intention to negotiate with Iran. It’s an excerpt from the May 19th episode of The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. A transcript follows the video.

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World

Ahmadinejad Demands U.S. Give Him Moist Piece of Cake

Tehran, Iran – Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded in a speech today that he receive, from the United States, “The most moist piece of cake that there is, that the supposedly powerful United States possesses. If they cannot do this, how can they be called a superpower?”

The remarks were made as part of a talk Ahmadinejad gave at the University of Tehran to a crowded auditorium of mostly students and young people. He went on to say that the cake he has received in the past from the United States has been, “dry and flakey, almost like a shoebox.” He challenged President Bush directly in regard to the ability of the United States to provide moist cake.”All this talking you do, Mr. Bush, what does it amount to, if you cannot produce even one piece of moist cake? I answer it amounts to nothing. It is just talk. Empty. No calories. No icing. No nothing.”

President Bush responded by dismissing Ahmadinejad’s statements. “He just, uh, he just says things like this from time to time, and we have to just take what he says with a grain of salt,” Mr. Bush said. “The idea that we can’t produce a moist piece of cake is obviously just not true. I know that I, personally, have had wonderfully moist pieces of cake. I know the First Lady has as well. I mean, you know, people get one dry piece of cake and they think it represents a whole country’s output. I mean, maybe it got dry because we had to fly it to Iran. Did he ever think of that? I doubt it. If he comes here, has some cake in the White House, in the United States, I guarantee you it’ll be moist. It’ll be the moistest thing he’s ever eaten. Not that I know everything he’s eaten, but you know what I mean.”

Vice President Cheney also dismissed the Iranian president’s comments. “It’s just absurd,” Cheney said. “I know for a fact it’s absurd. I just ate a whole cake in the kitchen here, standing near the refrigerator, and it was incredibly moist. So he is once again just making these big claims without knowing the facts.”