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News Feature

What Else Has Mike Rogers Accused Edward Snowden of Doing?

On NBC’s “Meet the Press” Sunday, Representative Mike Rogers of Michigan, the chairman of the Intelligence Committee, said that “every counterintelligence official” believes Edward Snowden is working for Russian intelligence services in some capacity. This was not the first time Mr. Rogers has made the allegation, though he has offered no proof to substantiate his claim. In light of his new assertion, The National Protrusion thought it fitting to ask, What Else Has Mike Rogers Accused Edward Snowden of Doing?

  • Being Vladimir Putin, in a terrible disguise.
  • Playing bass for Pussy Riot.
  • In addition to supplying classified information to Russian government officials, also giving them highly sought-after beauty tips.
  • Revealing which member of President Obama’s cabinet is known in intelligence circles as “Tailor.”
  • Providing information on how Mike Rogers, the chairman of the Intelligence Committee, often makes unsubstantiated claims about intelligence matters.
Categories
NP Wire

CIA Agent Unsure How to Tell Superiors His Source’s Nickname is ‘Irresponsible Liar’

Islamabad, Pakistan – A Central Intelligence Agency operative is unsure how to tell his superiors that a confidential source he has cultivated for months has a nickname that translates to “Irresponsible Liar.”

The agent, who asked to be referred to as “Marcus” for this article, said the source in question has supplied him with a significant amount of information that he has passed on to his superiors at the CIA. That was before learning about the source’s nickname. Now, Marcus worries that the information might not be valid.

“I’m concerned, sure,” Marcus said. “I mean, how do I tell them this? ‘Hey, guys, sorry I failed to mention this, but the source who’s given me all this intel is called “Irresponsible Liar” by his friends. What’s a good opener for that conversation?”

Categories
World

Snowden Further Embarrasses U.S. by Winning Gold Medal for Russia in Cross-Country Skiing

KRASNAYA POLYANA, RUSSIA – Former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, who leaked a trove of classified documents to media outlets, further embarrassed the United States of America by winning a gold medal in cross-country skiing for Russia, with a time of 1:08:15.4. Marcus Hellner of Sweden won the silver, and Martin Johnsrud Sundby of Norway won the bronze.

“I am happy to win this for Russia, who took me in, in my time of need,” Snowden said. “That’s really all I wish to say at this point.”

Snowden was whisked away shortly after the medal ceremony, escorted by several Russian security vehicles. American Civil Liberties Union attorney Ben Wizner, who is a legal adviser to Snowden, said Snowden wished to be left alone by the media and the fans, though he appreciates their support.

Snowden’s participation in the Sochi Games was kept under wraps, but had been the subject of heated rumor for nearly a week. Once his name was announced as a competitor, chaos erupted as reporters rushed to send their reports to their various news outlets and scrambled their photographers for better shots.

White House officials say they were made aware of Snowden’s participation in the games shortly before 9AM Monday morning, when President Obama received a call from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The Russian leader said he didn’t want to embarrass Obama and the U.S. by having them hear about Snowden’s participation via news reports, according to Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary.

“Mr. Putin was cordial and said he hoped the participation by Mr. Snowden in the games would not hurt U.S.-Russia relations,” Mr. Carney told the press at an afternoon briefing. “President Obama appreciated the call, but I think it’s safe to say he would have liked to have been informed about this sooner.”

Asked whether the U.S. tracked Snowden back to his location, following the medal ceremony, Carney claimed not to be aware of any such action.

“I’m not aware of us following him or tracking him, no,” Carney said. He then said that issue was closed, and the White House would have no further comment on it.

As for Mr. Putin, he said that while he was concerned about what Snowden’s participation in the games would mean for relations between his country and the U.S., right now he was focused on Mr. Snowden’s victorious performance.

“This is a proud day for Russia, to be certain,” Mr. Putin said. “Edward Snowden has shown himself to be a true hero today. To Mr. Obama, I say, you need better intelligence, no? You didn’t even know this man was a world-class cross-country skier? Maybe hire some new people at your celebrated CIA.”

Categories
National

NSA Announces Brianna Morris Has Very Impressive Netflix Queue

Washington – General Keith Alexander, director of the National Security Agency, appeared before the House Intelligence Committee Tuesday to announce that Brianna Morris of Piscataway, New Jersey has, “quite an impressive and eclectic list of movies in her Netflix streaming queue.”

“Analysts reported films ranging from Fellini’s ‘Casanova’ to ‘Hunger Games,’ and everything in between,” Alexander said in his opening statement. “Ms. Morris’s queue was the best and most diverse list agents and analysts have seen in quite some time.”

The N.S.A. reviews millions of lists of movies, songs, books and other forms of entertainment while scooping up massive amounts of data pertaining to Americans’ activities online and elsewhere.

Categories
National

Fisher Price Chatter Phone Has Been Cooperating with NSA Since 2003

East Aurora, NY – The incredibly popular Fisher Price Chatter Phone, enjoyed by young children across several generations, has been cooperating with National Security Agency surveillance efforts since 2003, documents obtained by The National Protrusion reveal.

“We have no comment on this report, as we have not had a chance to review the documents in question,” said Claire Dunleavy, a spokesperson for Fisher Price, said in a statement.

The document dump, made up mostly of classified internal NSA emails, show several agents talking about, “the arrangement with Chatter Phone,” and the “agreement we’ve reached with Chatter Phone regarding recording device insertion.”

According to the documents, the NSA reached a secret agreement with the Chatter Phone to allow NSA operatives to insert a chip inside it, beginning in 2003. That chip then recorded data from each phone call, such as the location and duration of the call, unbeknownst to consumers.

The NSA stressed that the content of the phone calls was not recorded, and has not yet been reviewed in any way. “At no time was any of the content of any phone call listened to or downloaded,” NSA spokesperson Brad Nagler said in a statement released to the media. “We are conducting an internal investigation into the matter and will release our findings when it is appropriate to do so.”

The Chatter Phone was released in 1962 as the “Talk Back Phone,” and has been very popular among young children, usually between the ages of 12 and 36 months, ever since. Children pull the toy by a string, and it makes noise. It also allows children to use its rotary dial, which rings a bell, and use the receiver as they might a real phone, thereby teaching them how to use a telephone. It is those pretend phone calls made by children that the NSA apparently wanted to collect data about.

Some parents with children who have used the Chatter Phone aren’t assuaged by the NSA’s assurances.

“I feel completely violated,” said Theresa Abrams of New Jersey, who has bought the chatter phone for each of her three children. “To think those kids are making their little pretend calls, thinking nothing of it, and meanwhile the government is recording it all. It’s very disturbing.” She continued, “I won’t ever buy another Fisher Price product again, unless it has Elmo on it. My littlest one loves Elmo.”