NPN The Mack Truck

Democrappic Convention Night Two – Clinton’s Speech – Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey

In this excerpt from Wednesday’s show, the Mack Truck talks about Hillary Clinton’s speech during the second night of the Democratic National Convention. A transcript follows the jump.


Clinton Will Accept VP Spot If She Can Be President Most of the Time

New York – On a day when Senator Barack Obama secured the necessary number of delegates to win his party’s nomination for president, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said she would accept an offer to serve as his vice president, if she is “allowed to be president most of the time, like three out of five weekdays.”

Clinton said the arrangement seemed perfectly fair to her. “If you use the ClintonTron to add the popular vote, as we did, I won more of the popular vote, as we’ve said over and over again,” Clinton said. “Which means that more people wanted me to be president than Senator Obama. So in that spirit, I think it’s only fair I get more days as president than he does. More votes, more days. I mean, it seems apparent to me. So, three days for me, two for him. I don’t even see where the issue is here.”

But Mr. Obama said the arrangement offered up by Mrs. Clinton wouldn’t quite work for him. “Uh, yeah, I think I’d have to say no to that kind of arrangement, though I haven’t talked to Senator Clinton directly about it,” Obama said, following a rally in St. Paul, Minnesota where he publicly laid claim to the nomination. “If I am fortunate enough to win the presidency of this country, I would like to actually serve as president most of the time. I, uh, I really don’t see how the vice president can serve as president more than the president. Wouldn’t that make the vice president the president? I’m very confused now.”

Later, Clinton was made aware of Obama’s reaction to her proposal. “Well, he’s just being silly,” she said, chuckling slightly. “I would still be the vice president, for Gods’ sake. I’m not trying to take the presidency away from him. He has it for two of the days, for crying out loud. And I’ll even give him one weekend day. Okay? How about that. So he gets three whole days of being president. I really don’t understand what he’s crying about.”


Obama: Crazy Pastors Just Seem to Love Me

Aberdeen, South Dakota – Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama said yesterday that, though he doesn’t know why, “inflammatory and controversial pastors just have a thing for me.”

Mr. Obama quit Trinity United Church of Christ after video surfaced of Rev. Michael Pfleger mocking Hillary Clinton during a guest sermon there. The video quickly gained momentum on the internet. This was in addition to the already damaging controversy surrounding videos of statements made by Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and it proved to be the last straw for Obama and his relationship to the church. Following a campaign stop, he spoke to reporters about why it might be that pastors who make such statements seem to gravitate towards him.

“I don’t know why it is, honestly,” Obama said. “I mean, I must have some kind of look or something that says, ‘Hey, bat-shit crazy pastor, come to me. Over here.’ I don’t know. Michelle thinks it’s maybe my cologne. But I don’t think so. I think it’s more a feeling. Like a tractor beam. A tractor beam for loopdie-loo pastors.”

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton seized on the new controversy surrounding Obama, saying to reporters while campaigning in San Jian, Puerto Rico, “Well, I think after a while you have to start asking what it is about this man that attracts these kind of pastors or religious leaders or what have you. I mean, you don’t see pastors of mine on YouTube saying these crazy things. Now, granted, my spiritual mentor is Billy Graham, and he’s around a thousand years old, but still…”

Arizona Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican candidate for president, also chimed in on the issue. Speaking to reporters on his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express, McCain said, “Well, again, I don’t know these people personally, but I think it reflects on the person himself when figures who have been a part of his life, or endorsed him or something like that, make these kind of inflammatory remarks.” Reporters then reminded the senator that he recently rejected the support of not one, but two pastors, for inflammatory comments of their own. “I did what now? You’re saying I rejected someone? When? When did that happen? Last week? No, no. Impossible. Last week, I was… I was on vacation all week with my wife. In Tahiti.” Joe Lieberman, who appeared at McCain’s side seemingly from nowhere, then whispered in the candidate’s ear. After listening for a moment, McCain said, “Actually, uh, I wasn’t in Tahiti, on vacation, last week, as you all know. And I know. I mean, obviously I know I was campaigning last week. In America. Somewhere…in America. Because I’m running for president in America. So clearly I couldn’t have been in Tahiti. But wherever I was in America, you can be sure I wasn’t rejecting the support of any pastor or religious figure who said anything offensive. I can assure you of that.”

Once again, Lieberman whispered in McCain’s ear. McCain listened, then turned back to reporters and said, “Uh, of course, you and I both know that I did reject the support of two pastors last week. You and I also know that I was kidding just now when I said I hadn’t, just as I was kidding when I said I was in Tahiti a minute before that. I do…I do a lot of kidding. It keeps the campaign light. And fun. I am still campaigning, right? It’s not November, is it?”


Clinton: You’ll Have to Kill Me

Coral Gables, Florida – On Wednesday, Presidential Hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton erased any doubts about whether she would stay in the race for the Democratic nomination as long as she possibly can. “Some people, they want me out of this thing,” Clinton said to a large crowd during a morning appearance. The crowd responded with boos and hisses. “Well, if they want me out, you know what they’re going to have to do? You know what they’re going to have to do? They’re going to have to kill me.” The crowd grew silent. “Yeah, that’s right. That’s what I said. They’re going to have to kill me. You want me gone, tough guys? Fine. But there’s just this one little thing: You’ll have to take me out.”

Clinton laughed loudly and looked to the ceiling. Several people in the room were seen to start crying. “Lemme tell you something, ladies and gentlemen: While Hillary Clinton is alive, this race never ends!”

Following the appearance, Mrs. Clinton was reportedly seen by a mental health professional. Meanwhile, Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe appeared on several television shows to defend Clinton’s remarks. “Well, look, Senator Clinton is a tough lady,” McAuliffe said. “Which is why she would make a great president. And when she says she’s not leaving this race, she means it. She’s not going to exit voluntarily. In fact, she’s not going to exit vertically, either. Let’s just say, if she exits, she’ll be exiting in more ways than one.”

Senator Barack Obama, Clinton’s chief rival and the undisputed front-runner in the Democratic race, would only say he was “concerned” about Clinton, after learning of her remarks. He said he did not want to go into detail about his reactions because he was frightened and needed to get back into his bed with the covers pulled up high over his head.

Clinton, for her part, did not attempt to back away from her comments in any way. On the contrary, at an appearance later in the day in Tampa, Clinton expanded on what she had said that morning. “You know, I said some things this morning that people found disturbing, apparently,” Clinton told the crowd, to modest cheers. “Well, let me go even further, and be even more ‘disturbing.’ I will stay in this race, even if I’m dead. Huh? How about that? Can Senator Obama match that determination and level of commitment? I think not. I think not.” Worried murmurs and whispers seemed to spread through the crowd of supporters. “This morning I said this race doesn’t end while I’m alive. Well, you know what? Now I’m saying it doesn’t end even if I’m not! Huh?! How about that, Barack Obama?! How about that? If there’s a debate over which one of us wants this more, I think I just cleared that up big time. Big time.”


Hi! I’m Just Like You, Except I’m a Millionaire, a Senator and an ex-First Lady, and You’re None of Those Things

By Hillary Rodham Clinton

Hi, small-town America! You all probably know me by now. Or at least you know what you’ve seen on TV and read in the papers. But do you know the real me? The real person behind the public persona? I’m not sure many people do. So let me tell you straight out: I’m exactly the same as all of you. Except I have millions of dollars, I’m a U.S. Senator, and I’m a former First Lady. And you’re none of those things. But other than that, we’re exactly the same.

How are we the same, you may ask? Well, firstly, I love beer, just like you. I mostly love very cheap beer, in a can. The kind you can get a whole case of for under ten dollars. I also love to watch lots of Monday Night Football while I drink the beer I bought for under ten dollars. Monday Night Football or Nascar. Either one’ll do for me.

I also love guns. I adore them. In fact, I used to shoot them behind my grandfather’s shed, which he built himself. Have I mentioned that? I’m not sure I have. I love sheds. And grandfathers. I especially love sheds that grandfathers build themselves.

I love trucks, also. Big, huge trucks that eat up as much gas as an 18-wheeler and are jacked up real high. I love driving those. I like to drive those after I’ve shot a gun behind my grandpa’s shed, right before heading to the local liquor store and buying beer in a can that costs under ten dollars a case.

Oh, and I love church. And God. There’s nothing better, after a Saturday night drinking a ten-dollar case of beer, then driving a huge truck to the church and praying really hard. My faith is almost as strong as my love for guns and beer and trucks. In fact, it might just be stronger. My faith in God has seen me through some tough times. You? Yeah, I thought so. I thought we had that in common, too.

See? I love all the things that you love. I do all the things that you do. I feel the same way you do about this country. I’m just like you. Heck, I am you. So how can you not vote for me, when a vote for me is really a vote for you?