Russian Journalist With Incredible Story about Putin Currently in Trunk of Car

Moscow – Russian journalist Yuri Abdulov has written what he describes as an “incredible expose” on President Vladimir Putin’s ties to organized crime syndicates in Russia and elsewhere. Mr. Abdulov is very proud of the story, and hopes it will be published within the next week. He is currently, however, in the trunk of a large black car, his hands and legs bound with zip-ties and his mouth gagged. He acknowledges that his current predicament might make getting the story out to the public difficult.

“Mm mm mm mm mmph,” Abdulov said, through his gag. “Mmm nn mm, mm mm-mm mm mm mm.”

Mr. Abdulov says he is almost certain the car he is currently trapped in belongs to the Russian government or agents working on behalf of the government. He is familiar with the types of cars government agents typically use, and from the glimpse he got of the car while falling into and out of consciousness, he said it appears to match that type of automobile.

He is not sure how the government might have found out about his story, as he says he only told his editor at the Russian online magazine for which he works,The Daily Russian. It is always possible, he says, that offices or homes were bugged, or agents working for the government found other ways to obtain information about Mr. Abdulov’s article.

“Mm mm mm,” Mr. Abdulov said, shrugging his shoulders. “Mm mm mm.”


Man Pretty Sure Whatever Happening in Ukraine Michelle Obama’s Fault

Washington – As Crimea plans a vote on whether to secede from Ukraine and officially become part of Russia, John Federich of Minneapolis, Minnesota has come to the conclusion that the international crisis is the fault of First Lady Michelle Obama.

Mr. Frederich says that he doesn’t understand the details of what it is that’s happening in Ukraine, but he’s sure the links between the turmoil and the first lady are very clear to anyone who cares to look.

“If you look at how this played out, from the refusal by the Ukrainian government of the money or whatever, offered by Europe? All the way up to today, with the Crimea place wanting to become Russian, all of it can be traced back to Michelle Obama,” Federich says.

Frederich says that if you look at public statements or appearances by Mrs. Obama, they invariably match up to key events in the continuing crisis in Ukraine.

“November 20th,” Frederich says, “Michelle Obama goes on the BET show, ‘106 & Park.’ The day after — now, this is the day afer — the Ukrainian guy rejects the Europeans’ offer of money, which pretty much starts this whole thing. So, that’s point number one.”

Federich, who admits he is an avid FOX News viewer and Rush Limbaugh listener, provided several other links between Mrs. Obama’s public appearances and key events in the Ukraine crisis. For example, he points out that right after Michelle Obama appeared on ‘The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,’ on February 20th, violence erupted in Kiev, and the situation grew much more dire.

“She goes on this show, makes a fool of herself, with Will Ferrell and whoever,” Frederich says, “and then, halfway across the world, violence breaks out and all these people are killed. I don’t see how you can say that’s a coincidence. At least, not with a straight face.”

News Feature

What Else Does Bob Gates’ Memoir Reveal?

In a forthcoming memoir, former Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he feels President Obama lost faith in his own war strategy in Afghanistan, and that Vice President Joe Biden has been, in Gates’ opinion, “wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades.” Gates served as Defense Secretary under both President George W. Bush and Obama.

Here are some other notable revelations from the memoir:

  • Bush is Actually Taller than Obama
  • When There’s a War, Sometimes People Get Killed
  • Although Biden is Almost Always Wrong on Foreign Policy, He’s “100% Right” on What to Order from the Chinese Place
  • Bill Clinton Makes All Policy Decisions in the Obama Administration
  • Whenever Bush is Asked a Question He Doesn’t Know the Answer to, He Responds, “I’m the Decider.”

Outrage as Obama Shakes Hands with Paradoran Dictator Richard Dreyfuss

Washington – President Obama caused another uproar among American conservatives and pundits Thursday after shaking hands with the the dictator of Parador, Richard Dreyfuss. The actor was in Washington to perform in a special holiday celebration concert at the White House, and was greeted by President Obama as he stood in line with the nearly dozen other performers.

Conservatives in the U.S. were quick to react. Arizona Senator John McCain took to Twitter to denounce the president’s actions. “Who won’t this president shake hands with?” McCain wrote in one tweet. Then later, “First Raul Castro, now President Alphonse Simms. I’m sure he can’t wait to get his hand on Kim Jong-Un.”

Newt Gingrich, in an interview with Wolf Blitzer of CNN’s “Situation Room,” said, “If this report is true, then it’s a disgrace and the president ought to be ashamed of himself.” Gingrich pointed to Obama’s other controversial greetings with foreign leaders, namely shaking the hand of Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, allegedly bowing to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, and most recently, shaking hands with Cuban President Raul Castro at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela.

“I’m just thankful,” Gingrich continued, “that Hitler’s remains are nowhere this president can get at them. Otherwise, he’ll probably hug and kiss them for all the world to see.”

Dreyfuss played President Alphonse Simms, dictator of the fictional South American country of Parador in the 1988 film “Moon Over Parador.” Co-starring Raúl Juliá and Sonia Braga, the film was a remake of the 1939 film, “The Magnificent Fraud.” Dreyfuss actually played two roles, the dictator Simms and American actor Jack Noah, who is forced to play the role of Simms after the “President for Life” suffers a heart attack.

The White House responded to criticism by explaining that President Obama simply wanted to greet Mr. Dreyfuss, the actor, not any particular character he has played.

“President Obama was not showing solidarity with President Alphonse Simms of Parador, and any suggestion otherwise is outrageous,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, in a brief meeting with reporters. “The president simply wanted to greet the actor who played President Simms, the great American actor Richard Dreyfuss.”

Carney continued, “The supposed controversy over this handshake is as ridiculous as it would be if Republicans were complaining that the president shook hands with Mr. Holland and therefore must be supporting some kind of opus. There’s nothing to this.”


Iran Agrees Not to Make Fun of Kerry’s Face in Exchange for Easing of Sanctions

Geneva, Switzerland — The United States and Iran reached an historic agreement Sunday, the major pillars of which are an agreement by Iran not to mock the odd-looking face of U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, in exchange for an easing of sanctions imposed on Iran by the United States and the European Union.

“This is an historic agreement,” Secretary Kerry said in a statement to reporters. “It proves that diplomacy can work, that it does work, and obviously it’s a very personal victory for me, as it is my face that will no longer be made fun of as a result of the agreement.”