FBI Almost Certain Bin Laden Not Hiding in FBI Building

Washington – Robert S. Mueller III, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations, announced today that the FBI is, “At long last, and after much back-breaking effort, reasonably certain that Osama Bin Laden is nowhere within FBI Headquarters.”

The FBI is headquartered in the J. Edgar Hoover Building in Washington, D.C. It was the first time the FBI has confirmed somewhere Bin Laden is not. In 2005, they were close to being able to declare him nowhere in Mueller’s office, but then had to hold off on that claim when they realized they hadn’t looked in one of the office’s closets.

Mueller made the announcement in a press briefing at the Hoover Building. He said FBI Agents took part in several comprehensive sweeps of the building over a period of several years. Finally, last week, they were able to conclude with near-certainty that Bin Laden was not anywhere in the headquarters.

“I am proud of my team, and of every member of the Bureau,” Mueller said in his opening remarks. “It has been a mere six and a half years since the 9/11 terror attacks, and we are now almost certain we can remove one building from the millions of places Osama Bin Laden may be. I’d call that a successful record, by any measure.”


CIA: We Don’t Share Information With The Poopy-head FBI

WASHINGTON – A report by a presidential commission charged with investigating intelligence failures prior to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks finds that U.S. intelligence gathering is more awful than anyone even imagined. One central problem, according to the report approved by the nine-member bipartisan panel, is a lack of sharing between agencies, causing gaps in intelligence.

Explaining the lack of cooperation, FBI Director Robert Mueller said, “Well, I just don’t like the CIA, and I think they’re stinky. They’re stinky and they know they’re stinky, but they won’t admit it. So they’re actually stinky liars. That’s what they actually are.”

“They can say that, but they only know because they’re stinky,” CIA Director Porter Goss responded. “It takes one to know one. And besides, no one’s stinkier than a poopy-head FBI agent. Ask anybody. Everyone knows they stink the most.”

For his part, President Bush said he hoped the agencies could “put an end to such childish squabbles,” adding: “We all work for the same country–America. We should all be in the fight together, to work to protect the country and keep it safe and strong. Maybe if we worked for farty France or snotface Spain, it would be different. But we don’t. We work for the United States, and we should act like it.”

The commission’s report, which, like anything that might find truth, the president first opposed, stopped short of accusing the Bush administration of pressuring intelligence agents and agencies to manufacture or manipulate information in order to make a stronger case for invading Iraq and ousting Saddam Hussein.

“Yes, they stopped short,” Vice President Dick Cheney said outside his office. “That’s because I never pointed a loaded gun at each agent’s head when they were about to sign off on certain pieces of intelligence. That didn’t happen. And I didn’t do that with this commission, either. They were free to write their own report. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get this human body-shaped duffel bag into the trunk of my evilmobile.”

The report did bluntly point out that U.S. intelligence still knows “disturbingly little” about terrorist threats and capabilities, sometimes “less now than it did five or ten years ago.” “No one should feel safe at all,” said a CIA insider who preferred to remain nameless. “Like, at all. I’m not sure these guys would know if Bin Laden was in the CIA cafeteria. Shit, have we looked there?”

Ironically, former CIA Director George Tenet, who was at the agency’s helm at the time of the 2001 attacks, was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom in December, 2004. “Well, why not give it to him?” Bush asked. “I mean, have we been attacked since? I think not. I mean, have we? I’m asking you. Seriously. Have we?”