Poll: 87% Of Voters Plan To Vomit Into Bush Outside Polling Place After Casting Ballots

According to a Quinnipiac University poll released Monday, more than 87% of Americans who plan to vote in Tuesday’s midterm elections are also planning to vomit into a bush outside their polling station, following successful casting of their ballots.

“These numbers are about in line with what we expected,” said Judd Horenson, an analyst at Outreach Solutions, a political consulting firm. Mr. Horenson is an expert in voter behavior. “Dissatisfaction with the current state of politics, and politicians themselves, is extraordinarily high.”

Horensen said voter apathy is an issue in Tuesday’s election, as it is in most midterm elections. A larger problem, in his opinion, however, is how disgusted those willing to vote are with the options they’re being offered.

“Voters are just nauseated by the idea of having to pick from the various choices they’re being given in this election,” Horenson said. “In many cases, the nausea and stomach upset reach the point where the person feels the need to vomit. In fact, in many cases, they’ll vomit once right outside the polling station, and then again at home, at least one more time.”

Horenson said voters also may suffer a kind of “aftershock” later in the day, if they’re reminded of the vote they cast earlier on.

“If they see a sample ballot on a table, or someone’s ‘I voted’ sticker, they may feel the need to run to the bathroom and vomit again,” he said. “The reminder of what they did earlier that day is just too unsettling for them.”


Supreme Court Ruling Means Money Could Influence U.S. Electoral Process

Following the Supreme Court’s 5-4 ruling that eliminated caps on overall campaign contributions, Americans across the country fear that money may now have an undue influence on our nation’s politics and the workings of the government.

“I’m just afraid the wealthy will have a disproportionate amount of say in what goes on,” said Barbara Mancuso of Easton, PA. “I mean, what about the average person? I’d hate to see our equal place at the table taken away.”

“Up until now, it’s been an even playing field,” said Jack Harper of Santa Clarita, California. “You wanted a certain law to be passed, you called up your congressman, he went to lunch with you, took your advice and voted that way. Now, the individual may not have as much influence. He may listen to corporations or big, powerful entities with deeper pockets more than to the average American.”

The decision follows the ruling in the Citizens United case, in which the court ruled that government does not have the power to limit corporate donations to political campaigns. The two rulings, both favoring moneyed, powerful interests, give some people pause.

“Corporations are people, I get that,” Mr. Harper said. “I mean, I love McDonald’s like I love my brother. More, actually. So I get that. But I don’t want it to get to the point where McDonald’s has more say than I do in how tax laws or other legislation is written and voted on. Because that would be a shame.”


Texas Passes Bill Requiring Voters Show Proof of Being Republican

Austin, Texas – A bill that would require voters in Texas to show proof of their registration with the Republican Party easily passed the Republican-controlled senate Friday. The bill has the support of Governor Rick Perry and is expected to be signed into law as early as this week.

The bill had already passed in the Texas House of Representatives by a wide margin, 96-49. It experienced a similar fate in the Senate, passing by a vote of 19-11. All of the Republicans in the Senate voted for the bill, and all the Democrats, save one who was absent for the vote, voted against it.

“This is a proud day for Texas, for me, and for this legislature,” said Senator Troy Fraser, author of a previous voter ID law, which was struck down in federal court following a suit brought by the U.S. Justice Department.

Fraser’s bill would have required all but the most elderly Texan voters show a photo ID in order to vote. A federal appeals court found that bill imposed “strict unforgiving burdens on the poor.” Fraser called Friday’s vote a “vindication” of what he and other legislators have been trying to do for a long time.

“We showed we are serious about fighting voter fraud, once again, and that we’re not deterred by naysayers and critics,” he said. “Voter fraud is a real crime, and it really happens. It’s happened at least three times in recorded history. And that’s three times too many.”

Fraser called the type of fraud that the current bill addresses “particularly pernicious.”

“You have people attempting to vote even though they might be a Democrat or an Independent, or not registered to any political party,” Fraser said. “We can’t allow that. And thanks to the courage of my colleagues in the legislature and Governor Perry, that won’t be allowed to happen in the future.”

As the current bill seems to go even further than the one that inspired Attorney General Eric Holder and the Justice Department to bring suit, speculation is rife about what action he might take this time. However, Mr. Holder did not divulge any details in a statement released to the press shortly after Friday’s vote.

“We are disappointed at the actions undertaken by the Texas legislature,” the statement said. “We will review the matter as soon as possible, and take any actions necessary to protect the voting rights of the American people.”

Critics of the law contend that it is an unfair maneuver to stack the deck in favor of Republicans.

“This is an obvious ploy to prevent voters who may vote Democratic from even casting a vote,” said Leonard Jamison, a spokesman for the Texas Democratic Party. “It’s the most bald attempt yet to quash the democratic process in this state.”

The law’s supporters deny it is unfair or restrictive.

“It’s not restrictive at all,” Fraser said. “They can be registered with the Republican Party of Texas or the national party. Either one. I’d say that’s pretty flexible, and the opposite of restrictive. Unrestrictive, is what I’d call it.”