Miscommunicated Talking Points Cause Republicans to Condemn ‘Hairless Spending’

Washington – In what is assumed to be a miscommunication in the relaying of the day’s talking points, several prominent Republicans each condemned what they referred to as “hairless spending” proposed by President Obama. Members from both houses of Congress made public appearances and gave television interviews in which they used the term.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell appeared in front of reporters at the Capitol this morning, and said, “The problem with this budget, as I see it, is that it reveals a love of spending on the part of this president. Not just a love for spending, but a love of unnecessary spending, hairless spending.” Reporters asked what Mr. McConnell meant by “hairless spending,” and he said, “I mean just what I said. This president has shown that he loves spending. He loves unnecessary spending, and he loves hairless spending. I don’t really see how I could be more clear about it.”

Several hours later, House Minority Leader John Boehner appeared on the CBS Evening News, and in an interview with host Katie Couric, repeated the phrase. “Well, Republicans, Katie, are just not big fans of this much spending,” Mr. Boehner said. “But this president seems to be in love with spending. With unnecessary spending, with hairless spending. And that’s just not what we need right now.”

Ms. Couric appeared confused, and asked if perhaps the minority leader meant “careless spending.” “No, Katie,” Mr. Boehner replied with a smile, “you’re not going to put words in my mouth. I said what I said because I meant it. This spending is hairless, Katie. Hairless and unnecessary.”

Michael Steel, a spokesman for Mr. Boehner, later acknowledged that there had, in fact, been a miscommunication, but that it was on the part of anyone who thought Mr. Boehner had said “hairless spending” when referring to Mr. Obama’s proposed budget. “Obviously Leader Boehner was not speaking about spending that has no hair on it,” Mr. Steel said. “He was misunderstood, and clearly said ‘careless spending’ when referring to the bloated budget proposed by President Obama. Perhaps people who heard ‘hairless spending’ need to get their ears cleaned. I’m sure there’s some money in the Obama budget for that.”


Capitol Janitor Hoping Some Stimulus Money Falls on Floor

Washington – Lou Barberie, a janitor at the U.S. Capitol building, says lately he is obsessed with a vivid and unusual fantasy: being inside the Capitol at the precise moment the economic stimulus funds, presumed to be in the form of cash and held in a poorly-shut suitcase, are carried through the building’s main hall. It is then that Lou hopes that the suitcase, carried by a careless congressional aide or staffer, will burst open, throwing wads of money into the air and onto the floor of the Capitol.


Republicans Propose ‘Infiniti Stimulus Package’ for the Already Wealthy

Washington – House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio introduced a Republican-backed stimulus package meant to counter one favored by Democrats and the White House. Unlike the Democrat-backed bill, the Republican stimulus package would be ultra-exclusive, amounting to $800 billion divided evenly among 20 rich white men.

“This is the stimulus package for the person who already has a stimulus package,” Mr. Boehner said on the House floor while proposing the alternative bill. “That original package is their bank account and/or their income. This is on top of that. What do you give the man who has everything? More.”

The Republican-backed package, dubbed the Infiniti Stimulus Package, provides no funding whatsoever for any aid programs for the poor or uninsured, no funds to be put towards infrastructure spending or renewable energy programs. In fact, the entirety of the bill’s language is a two-column table – the names of the 20 men in the left column, and the portion of the $800 billion each of them will receive in the right column. Each recipient would receive $40 billion under the plan.

“This package isn’t for everybody,” Boehner acknowledged. “In fact, it’s very nearly for nobody. It’s for these 20 guys. But it is what’s best for America and for our economy. You want to talk about job creation? How about the thousands of servants that will be necessary once these guys receive their $40 billion stimulus checks? Now, that’s what I call rapid job growth.”


Thousands Offer to Return Stimulus Checks if Bush Will Leave Office Early

Washington – Thousands of Americans from around the country converged at the White House today with their checkbooks in hand. They said they were each prepared to write a check to the United States Treasury for the amount they would receive from the so-called economic stimulus, if President Bush would agree to leave office as soon as is humanly possible, preferably by the weekend. In his place, they said, they would prefer, “anyone other than Cheney.”

“Basically, we see it as using the money wisely, in the most productive way possible for the public good,” said Rodney Danielson, one of the group members who was designated as the official spokesman. “This 600 bucks or whatever, it could buy a TV, yeah, or pay some bills, or be put away. But you know what? If I can open the paper tomorrow and see someone else sitting behind that desk in the Oval Office, it’s worth the money to me. So I refund my refund to the Treasury. Just get someone else in there. I’ll take almost anyone. It can be a Republican. It can be a Democrat. It can be Simon Cowell, for God’s sake, just get someone new in that place!”

Bush, whose approval rating is the lowest in modern history, rejected the proposal during a brief exchange with reporters later in the day, after the protesters had dispersed.

“Look, I respect the American people and their opinions,” Mr. Bush said. “And they’re entitled to those opinions. But lots of opinions can be wrong. Like, I may have an opinion that, uh, cheese is better to hold two pieces of something together than glue. Or a nail. But that doesn’t make it true, just because I have the opinion. I’m not saying I have that opinion. I know cheese is for eating. But, yeah, so this is the same thing, except in this case, the cheese is the fact that they think I should leave office. Or maybe the people who think that are the cheese. Or maybe I’m the cheese. I really don’t know, to be honest, and I’m kind of hurting myself thinking about it, but you know what I mean.”

Mr. Bush went on to firmly state that he would not be handing over power any time soon. “I’m not leaving office early. Period,” Bush said. “In fact, you know, I might stay longer than people think. Past the period where the next guy’s going to start. I mean, I don’t mean I’ll hold up the process or anything, but I like it here. I may, you know, find a little room in the back to stay in. Get a little cot or something in there. And just hang out. Have breakfast with the folks here. You know. Do White House type things. I think they might let me stay a while. I…I hope so. Do you think… Do you think they might let me stay?”