Miscommunicated Talking Points Cause Republicans to Condemn ‘Hairless Spending’

Washington – In what is assumed to be a miscommunication in the relaying of the day’s talking points, several prominent Republicans each condemned what they referred to as “hairless spending” proposed by President Obama. Members from both houses of Congress made public appearances and gave television interviews in which they used the term.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell appeared in front of reporters at the Capitol this morning, and said, “The problem with this budget, as I see it, is that it reveals a love of spending on the part of this president. Not just a love for spending, but a love of unnecessary spending, hairless spending.” Reporters asked what Mr. McConnell meant by “hairless spending,” and he said, “I mean just what I said. This president has shown that he loves spending. He loves unnecessary spending, and he loves hairless spending. I don’t really see how I could be more clear about it.”

Several hours later, House Minority Leader John Boehner appeared on the CBS Evening News, and in an interview with host Katie Couric, repeated the phrase. “Well, Republicans, Katie, are just not big fans of this much spending,” Mr. Boehner said. “But this president seems to be in love with spending. With unnecessary spending, with hairless spending. And that’s just not what we need right now.”

Ms. Couric appeared confused, and asked if perhaps the minority leader meant “careless spending.” “No, Katie,” Mr. Boehner replied with a smile, “you’re not going to put words in my mouth. I said what I said because I meant it. This spending is hairless, Katie. Hairless and unnecessary.”

Michael Steel, a spokesman for Mr. Boehner, later acknowledged that there had, in fact, been a miscommunication, but that it was on the part of anyone who thought Mr. Boehner had said “hairless spending” when referring to Mr. Obama’s proposed budget. “Obviously Leader Boehner was not speaking about spending that has no hair on it,” Mr. Steel said. “He was misunderstood, and clearly said ‘careless spending’ when referring to the bloated budget proposed by President Obama. Perhaps people who heard ‘hairless spending’ need to get their ears cleaned. I’m sure there’s some money in the Obama budget for that.”


Capitol Janitor Hoping Some Stimulus Money Falls on Floor

Washington – Lou Barberie, a janitor at the U.S. Capitol building, says lately he is obsessed with a vivid and unusual fantasy: being inside the Capitol at the precise moment the economic stimulus funds, presumed to be in the form of cash and held in a poorly-shut suitcase, are carried through the building’s main hall. It is then that Lou hopes that the suitcase, carried by a careless congressional aide or staffer, will burst open, throwing wads of money into the air and onto the floor of the Capitol.


Senator Refuses to Attend Scary Nighttime Sessions (Video)

Washington – Fearing for his safety, Senator Horris A. Harvey, Republican of Pennsylvania, said today he would not be attending proposed nighttime Congressional sessions aimed at reconciling the House and Senate versions of the economic stimulus package. Senator Harvey is a member of the Senate Appropriations Committee, and would therefore be expected to attend the sessions.

But, though the senator says he is not unaware “of the seriousness of the situation we face,” he says he fears for his well-being. He gave a press conference outside the Capitol to explain his decision in no uncertain terms. “I tell you now, I will not be attending these sessions,” the senator declared. “I don’t know if you’ve seen Robert Byrd lately, but he is scary enough during the daytime.”

Senator Harvey also declared his opposition to the proposed package, saying part of the reason he is refusing to attend the nighttime sessions is due to the bill being so misguided. “I refuse to put my life in danger to negotiate something as wrongheaded as this bill,” he said. “This bill is not stimulus. It is the opposite of stimulus. It is un-stimulus. It is un-stimulating. It is the most un-stimulating thing I have seen since someone gave me a Rosie O’Donnell calendar some time ago, which was very un-stimulating.”

Senator Harvey explained that he is fearful to be in the Capitol at night with men such as John McCain, who he finds frightening. “I respect the Senator from Arizona greatly,” he explained. “But John McCain is the man I use to scare the bejesus out of my kids. ‘Oh, you won’t do your homework? Well, how about I invite Senator McCain over for some coffee and desert?’ ‘No! No, Daddy. Not Senator McCain! We’ll do our homework! We’ll do our homework! No, Daddy! Not Senator McCain! When he smiles, Daddy. Oh, when he smiles!’ Works every time.”

“Perhaps you see,” the senator concluded, “why I wouldn’t want to be in a darkened hallway alone with John McCain, in the middle of the night, with only Harry Reid to protect me.”