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World

Navy Shoots Down Errant Butterfly

Washington – Military officials said today that the United States Navy’s shootdown of an errant butterfly was a “complete success.” A missile launched from the USS Lake Erie, off the coast of Hawaii, hit its intended target at approximately 9:15 AM EST.

At a Pentagon news briefing, Gen. James E. Cartwright of the Marines, who is vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told reporters, “From the information we’ve gathered, it appears the missile struck the butterfly directly, and that the butterfly was reduced to several dozen small pieces, no bigger than a fingernail.” Cartwright said the Defense Department would know more details in 24-48 hours, after the review of data from the mission.

satellite shootdown

The butterfly stopped flying successfully nearly a week ago, veering far off course and appearing to lose the ability to right itself. U.S. officials have maintained the butterfly needed to be shot down in order to avoid its falling to earth and injuring people. Critics have contended that the butterfly was in fact shot down because it was perceived as a security risk, having flown over several military bases many times. The critics say the government was concerned the butterfly would land in enemy territory, and hand over confidential information it gleaned from those flights over the bases. Cartwright rejected that claim.

“That is absolutely, unequivocally false,” Cartwright said when asked about the matter by a reporter. “This was a safety issue, period. There was nothing else at play here. Do you have any idea how much a butterfly coming down from that height could hurt? No. You don’t. And you don’t want to know, believe me. I’ve seen it, and there are nights I can’t get it out of my mind.”

President Bush said he fully supported the decision made by Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates to proceed with the mission. “I support Secretary Gates and everyone at Defense who participated in this,” Bush said in brief remarks at the White House. “I made a vow to protect this country from harm, and that’s what we did here. This… harmful butterfly posed a risk, and we addressed the situation. It’s what the American people want us to do. It’s why they elect a government. That and to make sure the tax cuts we give stay permanent. Those two reasons: protection, tax cuts. And they’re really very similar. They’re inner–intertwined. Because what you’re doing is protecting the tax cuts. You see? So they’re really insufferable from one another. They’re intertwined. Together.”

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National

Department of Education Folded Into Department of Defense

Washington – President Bush today signed a bill which folds the Department of Education into the Department of Defense. The bill, called “Protection Over Knowledge Every Time,” was passed quickly by both the House and the Senate in recent days. Republicans in Congress were almost unanimous in their support for the bill, while Democrats voted for it in large numbers because they were scared of being seen as weak on issues of national security. They are also scared of being called really mean names by big, mean bullies.

President Bush spoke to reporters as he signed the bill. “I’m glad the Congress saw the importance of this bill, and passed it in such quick fashion,” Bush said. “We are at a time in our history where children’s value comes not in their potential to learn but in their potential for lending a hand in the War on Terror. We need their help, and I have no doubt they’ll step up and answer the call. Kids love America. They love pizza, and ice cream, too. And so do I, by the way. What was I saying?”

Department of Education Folded Into Department of Defense

Mr. Bush went on to say that he does value education, but that extreme times require extreme measures. “I love education,” Bush said. “And I think kids should be educated. And I think this country, ideally, would have a department dedicated solely to education. I’d love to see that, someday. And that’s what this country is all about. Dreaming about those kinds of things. But we’re at war. With terror. And terror doesn’t take a day off from terror to go to school. And if they do, it’s Terror School. Or University of Terror. So we need to have a University of Fighting the Terror. And we will. Except it will be run by the Defense Department. And it will be called The Army.”

All funding for the Department of Education will be absorbed by the Department of Defense and added to their budget as seen fit by Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates and other Defense Department officials. “It’s just time,” said Gates, referring to the change. “I mean, something drags along for so long, eventually you have to put it to rest. And this thing, this Education Department, was just a non-starter. So hopefully we’ll take the funds, and we’ll take the kids, and we’ll put them to good, constructive use, protecting this country from the ever-present threat of terrorism. Algebra can wait. Jihad can’t.”

“Look, if something is supercilious, it has to go,” Bush added. “When it’s unnecessary, why spend the money and the resources to keep it going? It just doesn’t make any sense. Like our sixth toe or whatever it was we had. God looked at it and said, ‘Oh, they don’t need that. I’ll take that away.’ And, Zap! It was gone. And now we have five. Toes. And fingers, too. And each one of them is useful. None of them is supercilious. Not a one.”

An Associated Press reporter said, “I think maybe you mean ‘superfluous.'”

“What’s that now?” Bush asked.

“You said, ‘supercilious,’ but I think you meant, ‘superfluous,'” the reporter said. “Something that’s unnecessary.”

“Well, you know, now I’m kind of second-guessing the bill,” Bush said, chuckling. “‘Cause we have to get you some schooling.”