McCain Hurls Bob Schieffer at Obama

Hempstead, NY – The third and final debate between presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama abruptly ended when Senator McCain shocked the crowd in attendance and those watching at home, by suddenly picking up moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News and hurling him at Senator Obama. A flailing Schieffer knocked Obama off his chair, and the two men fell to the ground. Obama sprang up, helped Schieffer to his feet and rather angrily asked McCain what it was he was doing. McCain giggled and chortled, muttering, “Gotcha,” over and over again. Mr. McCain was quickly escorted off the stage by campaign aides. A shaken but apparently unhurt Schieffer apologized to the crowd and pronounced the debate finished.

McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds was asked about the senator’s behavior. “You know, people said he was too timid in previous debates,” Bounds said. “Well, not tonight. This is how close to home the problems of the American people hit John McCain. He gets so angry, he picks up a legendary news anchor and hurls him at his opponent. That’s fire. That’s dedication.”


McCain Wanders Off Debate Stage and Into Undergraduate Physics Lecture

Nashville, TN – About 40 minutes into Tuesday night’s debate between presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and John McCain at Belmont University, Senator McCain wandered off the stage and exited the auditorium. He wound up in a physics classroom, located in the same building, where he sat in on part of a lecture being given to undergraduate students before being returned to the debate by members of his staff.

“It happened before we realized it,” said a McCain staffer who wished to remain nameless. “Senator Obama was speaking, and I guess we were all watching him. And Senator McCain — he can be a stealthy little guy when he wants to be. He sort of drifted off the stage and somehow exited the auditorium. And then he must have walked down the hall and around the corner, and he ended up in the physics classroom. When we finally found him, he looked up at us and said, ‘The particles, my friends. It’s all about the particles.’ We took him back to the auditorium.”

Professor Arnold Kamsky, who was giving the lecture at the time Senator McCain wandered into the classroom, said the class was a make-up for one that had to be canceled in September. Professor Kansky said he didn’t know what to think when he saw Mr. McCain take a seat in the fifth row of the lecture hall.

“He was smiling, and he seemed very pleased to be there,” Mr. Kamsky said. “He listened attentively. I didn’t know if it was some kind of political thing or if he actually wanted to come see the lecture. But at one point he raised his hand and asked if the material would be on the exam.”

Steve Schmidt, the McCain campaign’s chief strategist, told reporters that the incident was not a case of Senator McCain losing his bearings or forgetting where he was. “He was tired, frankly, of listening to the same old empty rhetoric from Senator Obama,” Schmidt said. “So, being the maverick that he is, he went to the physics lecture and absorbed information that he thought would be helpful to the American people. Senator Obama talked a lot earlier in this campaign about how the president will have to be able to multitask. How about this for multitasking? John McCain can participate in a presidential debate and learn about physics at the same time. I don’t see Senator Obama doing that kind of thing.”

Senator McCain was asked what he learned in his short time in the classroom. He said, “Classroom? My friend, I don’t know if you noticed, but there was a debate going on tonight. A Senator Obama and an older gentlemen were debating in front of a crowd here. It was very exciting.”


ABC to Air Debate Between Flag Lapel Pin, Jeremiah Wright Quotes

New York – ABC has announced plans to air a debate next week between Flag Lapel Pin, the popular symbol of patriotism which many American politicians wear on their jackets, and Jeremiah Wright Quotes, a series of statements made by the controversial pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Asked about how he sees the debate going, “This Week” anchor and likely debate moderator George Stephanopoulos said, “Well, I think Wright Quotes have a distinct advantage because they are already words on paper, whereas Flag Lapel Pin can’t speak. Because it’s a pin. But then again, it is a pin of the American flag, so it has the whole patriotism thing going for it. So it should be exciting.”


Russert Detains Obama for Further Questioning

Cleveland, OH – Following the Democratic primary debate at Cleveland State University Tuesday night, NBC Washington bureau chief Tim Russert detained Barack Obama for several hours in a small room in the school’s main building, and forced him to answer additional questions.

“I didn’t like some of his answers, and I had some documents of his from elementary school that I wanted him to answer for,” Russert said. “One of them contained a drawing of what was supposedly a tree, but actually looked very much like Osama bin Laden. I couldn’t let that go unanswered.”


The National Protrusion is Sort of Liveblogging the ABC New Hampshire Debates

I’m trying this out. I’ve never live-blogged before, so you may have to bear with me. And it’s also not really live, it’s just live on the West Coast. Anyway, I started tuning into the Republicans at about 7:30 PM Pacific time. So I missed some of it, but I’m sure there was lots of assurances that we’re all going to die due to Islamo-extremo-fascism jihadness, unless we elect whichever Republican is speaking at the time.

7:45 PM (Pacific) – Fred Thompson is insane. He also might already be dead. I’m not sure.

8:05 PM – God sure comes up a lot with the Republicans. Does God believe in preemptive strikes?

8:10 PM – Giuliani just gave an answer without mentioning 9/11. He’ll probably mention it ten times next round to make up for it.