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National

White House Task Force on Curiosity to Investigate Possible Inquisitiveness

Washington – White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced the formation of a special White House Task Force on Curiosity and Inquisitiveness. The task force will investigate alleged acts of curiosity on the part of American citizens, reports of which have circulated on the internet. Vice President Cheney spearheaded the effort to form the task force.

“The vice president has heard these allegations and seen some of these reports, and he saw a need to address this problem,” Perino told reporters today at the White House. “If there are Americans wantonly asking questions and looking into the actions of their government without any authorization, that’s obviously something that will not be tolerated.”

Asked what methods the task force would implement in its investigation, Perino was reluctant to provide details. “I can’t go into specifics, obviously, as this relates to issues of national security. And even if it didn’t, I wouldn’t. But what I can say is that we have obtained the cooperation of several patriotic companies in the field of telecommunications, specifically internet service providers. And through their cooperation, hopefully we’ll get the information we need to figure out who it is asking these ‘questions’ about their government. And in the meantime, we’ll know if you’re planning a terrorist attack. Or if you’ve ever been Muslim. Or that you like internet porn. Whichever, it’s a win-win for us.”

Perino added that it’s fortunate the United States has such a relatively small number of curious citizens, as it should make the task force’s job “a bit more manageable.”

“I mean, it doesn’t appear there are too many people engaging in this behavior, luckily,” Perino said. “Thank God, most people in America don’t want to ‘ask things’ of their government. They accept things. We say, ‘Hey, you know what, this is what happened.’ And they say, ‘Oh, okay. Thank you. I’m going to go buy a big-screen TV now. Is that okay?’ And we say, ‘Yes, little person. That’s fine. You run along now.’ And that is the way it is supposed to be.”

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World

White House Proposes Immediate Withdrawal From Responsibility

Washington – White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a White House proposal today that would entail, “an immediate and total withdrawal from all responsibility for the problems the country faces.” She urged Congress to approve the measure, once finalized by the White House.

“This measure is necessary and it is beneficial for the American people,” Perino said, reading from a prepared statement. “Specifically, it benefits President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and other White House and government officials, who are American people.”

A reporter later asked Perino, “What about other Americans? Does it benefit other Americans?”

“Uh, not so much,” Perino responded. “Except that, you know, they should want what’s best for the president and vice president, so in the sense that it will make them feel better to know that their president and vice president are free of blame, then yes, it does benefit them.”

“But not in any other way?” the reporter asked.

“You mean in any real way? God, no,” Perino said. “But I hasten to add that I can’t think of a measure we’ve proposed that did benefit anyone else, so it’s not like we’re doing anything out of the ordinary here.”

Pressed for other details of the measure, Perino said, “All I can tell you right now is that this withdrawal would start immediately, and it would be comprehensive. It would cover everything from the current economic crisis to the war in Iraq, as well as any ramifications from Hurricane Katrina. We’re willing to concede some responsibility on terrorism and the nation’s safety, but only in the sense that no attacks have occurred since 9/11. Should one occur, this measure would cover that as well, and that attack would then become the responsibility of the next president, whoever that might be.”

The White House has staunchly opposed any calls for immediate withdrawals of troops from Iraq, and Perino was adamant that the measure not be confused with any troop withdrawal. “The withdrawal from responsibility is to in no way coincide with any reduction in troop levels, in Iraq or Afghanistan,” Perino said. “This is strictly a withdrawal from responsibility, and as such, any withdrawals in troop levels will be someone else’s responsibility. If we took part in that, it would defeat the purpose of this bill entirely, and would make us responsible for something. That is exactly what we don’t want.”