Categories
Politics

Issa to Investigate Whether Obama Used Wrong Fork with Salad

Washington – Representative Darrell Issa of California plans to launch an investigation into whether President Obama used the wrong fork with his salad during dinner at the White House three months ago, Issa told reporters Tuesday. Rep. Issa is chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform committee, and he said he will use the full authority that position grants him to, “get to the truth, no matter where it leads.” He also said it is “extremely likely” there will be public hearings on the issue.

“I hold in my hand a fork,” Issa said during a press conference, holding a fork out in front of him so that the reporters in attendance could clearly make it out. “This is a dinner fork. Not, I repeat not, a salad fork. However, it has come to the attention of the Oversight Committee that President Obama, some three months ago, quite possibly used this fork not only to eat his meal, but also to eat his salad prior to the meal. This is a clear violation of standard etiquette and not an act which befits the President of the United States.”

Rep. Issa has already presided over hearings on everything from the IRS to Benghazi to the Healthcare.gov website, usually with the aim of bringing to light misbehavior or wrongdoing on the part of members of the Obama administration or other government officials. Many have criticized his zeal in bringing investigations and holding hearings that fail to uncover much actual malfeasance. This issue, however, is no false scandal, according to Issa.

“It is the job of this committee to conduct oversight on the federal government, and bring to light bad behavior on the part of government officials, no matter how powerful they are, or what position they hold in this or any other administration,” Issa said. “That must include the president, himself. Otherwise, the idea of oversight is completely pointless. Someone needs to get to the bottom of what happened here, with this fork, and that is what I intend to do.”

Issa was reluctant to provide any details regarding evidence he may possess, preferring to “wait until the investigation has concluded.” He would only say that the incident in which President Obama allegedly used the improper fork occurred during dinner in the White House Dining Room, attended by Mr. Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, and that it happened approximately three months ago.

“The facts will come out, in due time,” Issa said. “And when they do, the truth about what occurred with the fork in question will be out in the open, for all to see. I look forward to that day.”

Categories
News Feature

How Did Congress Make Their Millions?

According to a new study by the Center for Responsive Politics, more than half the members of the United States Congress are millionaires, the first time in the nation’s history that this has been the case. The study was based on analysis of the elected representatives’ financial disclosure reports, filed in 2013.

This begs the question, how did all of these people earn this much money? Below is a sampling of the way a few of Congress’ millionaires made their millions.

Darrell Issa (R-CA) – House: Ran world’s largest human organ black market for 12 years.

Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) – Senate: Staunchly defended the national security apparatus, for which she was rewarded handsomely by the national security apparatus.

Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) – Senate: Paid by Democrats to vote with them sometimes.

F. James Sensenbrenner Jr (R-WI) – House: Authored The Patriot Act, the runaway best seller that has sold over 11 million copies and been translated into 37 different languages.

Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) – Senate: Nothing. His name’s Rockefeller.

Categories
Politics

Congress Almost Passes a Bill

Washington – Half of the 113th of the United States passed a budget bill this week, a feat many thought impossible just a short time ago. The accomplishment has led many to hope the full Congress might pass an actual piece of legislation.

The Bipartisan Budget Act of 2013 was the result of an agreement reached between Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, a Republican, and Senator Patty Murray, a Democrat from Washington. It funds the government for the next two years, thereby eliminating the threat of another government shutdown in the near future.

Categories
National

Hackers Break into Congressional Computer System, Balance Budget

Washington – An unidentified group of hackers broke into computers used by members of the United States Congress and their staffs, and while in the system managed to balance the federal budget, according to several FBI agents and other law enforcement officials.

No one has yet taken responsibility for the attack, which resulted in what many economists are hailing as a “sensible, balanced budget,” with no other apparent damage to government computers or data.

If adopted, the budget could put an end to a bitter fight over whether or not the United States should raise the so-called “debt ceiling,” in addition to solving several other thorny budgetary and fiscal issues.

“This is a strange hack, because it looks like all they wanted to do was get in there and balance the budget,” said an FBI agent, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity because the case is still under investigation. “There was no malicious software put on any of the computers, no information was apparently stolen — just a balanced budget left on the screens of all the congressional computers for everyone to see when they got into work today.”

Categories
NP Wire

Number of Puns Available in Weiner Fiasco Disturbs Comedians

New York – Greg Jeffrey, a stand-up comedian and freelance comedy writer, is concerned about the wealth of obvious puns available to him and other comedians as a result of the much-publicized scandal involving New York Congressman Anthony Weiner.

“It’s like, I don’t trust it,” Jeffrey said. “I mean, it’s there for the taking, but it’s too obvious. It’s too easy. It feels like a trap.”

Other comedians agreed. Mitch Hargerson, a former writer for The Late Show with David Letterman, said he was tempted to write jokes about the Weiner scandal that took advantage of the congressman’s name, but then thought better of it.

“I was right there, right on the edge,” he said. “But then my alarm bells went off and these huge red flags were screaming, ‘Too easy! Too easy! Pull back!’ So I went back to Sarah Palin. She never disappoints.”