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World

Rice Traded to France for a Functionary To Be Named Later

Washington – Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was traded to France today for a functionary to be named later and several bureaucratic draft picks. France, an ally whose relationship with the United States grew more tense with the invasion of Iraq, said it was excited to receive Rice from the United States, and that she would bolster their team.

“She’s been in this league a long time,” said Fran├žois Fillon, France’s Prime Minister. “She has post-season experience, and that’s something we need. So we’re very excited.”

President Bush said the move didn’t reflect any personal animosity between him and Ms. Rice. The two are known to be close friends.

“Condi’s one of my favorite people,” Bush said. “But it’s just time to make a change. We saw a need to build up our farm team, and for more offense, as we plan to remain on the offensive indefinitely. And Condi’s strength is defense. France saw a need, and we saw a need, and we found a mutually beneficial arrangement. But I wish her well, and I know she’ll love it over there. The French may have some questionable ideas about freedom, but they make awful pretty buildings and art and whatnot. And I know she loves that kind of thing.”

Categories
Politics

Rice Searches Between Seat Cushions for Integrity

Washington – Secretary of State nominee Condoleezza Rice was en route to her own Senate confirmation hearing when she realized she didn’t have something. “I looked around me, and it was one of those, ‘Oh, gosh, where is it’ moments,” Rice said, following the conclusion of the first day of hearings. “I checked my purse, my laptop bag, everything, but my integrity was nowhere to be found.”

Asked when she remembered having her integrity last, Rice said she can clearly remember having it when she left the house March 20, 2003, the day the United States began its invasion of Iraq. “I definitely had it that day because I remember the president asking me what it was. He had never seen anything like it before. After that… Gosh, I can’t say I remember having it at all. I guess I’ve just done without it this whole time.”

The White House won’t rule out foul play, as sitting Secretary of State Colin Powell’s integrity has gone missing as well, though he seems to have lost his earlier. Powell says he remembers last having his integrity when he went to sleep February 4, 2003, the night before his testimony to the U.N. regarding the justification of the military invasion of Iraq.