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CIA Agent Unsure How to Tell Superiors His Source’s Nickname is ‘Irresponsible Liar’

Islamabad, Pakistan – A Central Intelligence Agency operative is unsure how to tell his superiors that a confidential source he has cultivated for months has a nickname that translates to “Irresponsible Liar.”

The agent, who asked to be referred to as “Marcus” for this article, said the source in question has supplied him with a significant amount of information that he has passed on to his superiors at the CIA. That was before learning about the source’s nickname. Now, Marcus worries that the information might not be valid.

“I’m concerned, sure,” Marcus said. “I mean, how do I tell them this? ‘Hey, guys, sorry I failed to mention this, but the source who’s given me all this intel is called “Irresponsible Liar” by his friends. What’s a good opener for that conversation?”

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World

CIA to Begin Underwater-Only Interrogations

Washington – CIA Director Leon E. Panetta announced today that the agency will begin underwater-only interrogations of suspected terrorists in U.S. custody, in the hope of “gleaning information we would not be able to obtain if the suspect were above sea level.”

The announcement is certain to spark controversy, as it comes on the heels of the release of several Justice Department memos detailing harsh interrogation tactics used by the CIA on detainees at several secret prisons.

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World

CIA: U.S. No Longer Under Threat From VHS Tapes

Washington – Former Director of the Central Intelligence Agency Porter Goss said today that because of the agency’s efforts, the United States was “no longer under threat from VHS tapes or any other form of analog media.” Mr. Goss testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee following the disclosure that some 92 tapes documenting interrogations of terror suspects were destroyed by the CIA in 2005, during his tenure as the agency’s director.

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World

CIA Inadvertently Destroys Two Senators

Washington – General Michael V. Hayden, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, testified on Capitol Hill today that the CIA “inadvertently destroyed two senators” who were at the agency’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia to hold a meeting with him. The two Senators were Tom Harkin, Democrat of Iowa, and Kit Bond, Republican of Missouri, both members of the U.S. Senate Appropriations Subcommittee on Defense. They were scheduled to meet with Hayden and other CIA officials regarding budgetary issues.

Around 10:00 AM this morning, Hayden informed members of Congress that “an incident” had occurred at CIA headquarters, and that Harkin and Bond had been accidentally destroyed. He was immediately summoned to Capitol Hill to testify before the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs as to what exactly occurred. Hayden and the CIA are already the subject of multiple investigations regarding the destruction of several hundred hours of videotape, allegedly showing controversial interrogation techniques being used on detainees in the CIA’s custody. Hayden told the committee members that the incident involving the two senators was purely accidental.

CIA seal

“It is indeed unfortunate that these two Senators were destroyed,” Hayden said, reading from a prepared statement. “I want this committee and the American people to know that the destruction was not the result of any improper action being undertaken by anyone at the CIA related to destroying any type of evidence. For instance, it was not something related to a giant incinerator, which someone wanting to destroy videotapes or other documentation might use to reduce those items to ash or fine particles. It was nothing of this sort. It was nothing, I might add, along the lines of a technician manning this hypothetical incinerator eating a sandwich and getting a piece of cheese lodged in the control panel, causing a technical malfunction that resulted in the senators being sucked into the incinerator. This is not, I assure you, what happened in this case.”

Hayden then thanked the committee and sat back in his chair, having apparently completed his statement. A stunned group of senators stared in disbelief at one another. Mark Pryor, Democrat of Arkansas, immediately began the direct questioning, asking, “General, you just told us what didn’t happen. What did happen, sir?”

Hayden responded, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your question. What did you say?”

“I asked you what happened, General. And I have to say, it sounded to me from that statement like those things you said didn’t happen, actually did happen. Is that true?”

“I’ll tell you, it’s like you’re speaking another language,” Hayden said. “Now what was that again?”

“What happened, General?”

“‘Ah bee-bu booboh-bleek.’ That’s all I’m getting. I’m sorry.”

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World

CIA Official Was Sure Someone Had Transferred Tapes to DVD

Washington – Jose A. Rodriguez, Jr., the former CIA official responsible for the destruction of videotapes documenting CIA interrogation techniques, said today that he was sure someone at the CIA had transferred the tapes to DVD when he destroyed them. “I was sure one of my aides had put them on disc,” Rodriguez told reporters today. “Had I known the tapes were the only remaining evidence of those interrogations, I never would have destroyed them.”

Rodriguez added that he only destroyed the tapes because he “hates analog” and wants everyone to move into the digital age.