“Fuck It — Everyone’s Getting A Scented Candle.”

Across the country, shoppers braving the Christmas Eve crowds took one look at the number of people in the shopping malls and parking garages around them, and said, seemingly at once, “Fuck it — everyone’s getting scented candles this year.”

For many, the declaration came after weeks of procrastination, as they waited until the last minute to buy gifts for people on their shopping lists.

“I bought some gifts early, on Amazon and whatever,” said John McKenna of Providence, Rhode Island. “But for everyone else, I just kept waiting, and now it’s this,” he said, looking at the sea of people walking through the Providence Place shopping mall.

“I’m not dealing with this nonsense,” McKenna said. “Look, there’s a Bath & Body Works or whatever the hell it’s called right there. Fuck it. Everyone’s getting a scented candle this year.”

McKenna ended the interview and walked quickly to the store, several yards away.

In Burbank, California, Melissa James was coming to the same conclusion.

“Oh, my God,” she said as she entered Macy’s from Burbank Town Center shopping mall’s parking garage and was instantly met with a wall of shoppers. “I was hoping it wouldn’t be this bad. This is awful.”

She walked through the mall, weaving through the people as best she could. “There’s gotta be a Bath & Body Works around here. I think there’s one right outside Macy’s. So, you know what, fuck it, everyone’s getting a scented candle. They want to complain, that’s fine. I don’t care. This is madness.”

Harv Tomlinson of Evanston, Illinois needed gifts for his mother, aunt and grandmother. He was hoping to get personalized, unique gift this year, for a change, but he “kept putting it off” and ran out of time. Now, he has little choice, as he enters the parking lot of the Lincolnwood Town Center in his Honda Civic, and comes to a stop instantly. At least 12 cars wait for a spot ahead of Harv. He’s already had enough.

“What’s that store called where you get the candles?” he asks through his open car window. “Bed, Bath & Beyond? No, the other one.” Bath & Body Works, he is told. “Yeah, that place. That’s what I’m doing. I’m not sitting in this and then dealing with the zoo inside, looking around for hours on end. Fuck it. They’re all getting a scented candle.”


Americans Usher in Holiday Season by Trampling One Another for a Good Deal on Slippers

Garfield, New Jersey – Shoppers at a local Wal-Mart welcomed in the holiday season early Friday morning by trampling fellow shoppers in order to take advantage of special deals only available Friday morning.

The Garfield, N.J. Wal-Mart, like many other Wal-Mart stores across the country, extended its Black Friday hours to try to compensate for a shorter-than-normal shopping window between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The Garfield store held a special sale between 12 a.m. and 3 a.m. early Friday morning, and then opened for business again at 8 a.m. Lines were very long for the early-morning sale, and when the doors opened at 12 a.m., eager customers stomped on one another on their way to saving money on linens, household goods, and electronics.


Country Decides Toothpaste Makes Great Christmas Gift

Emmaus, PA – Joe and Lori Metuchen realized something Friday, as they were waiting on a long line at 4:00 AM for a nearby Best Buy to open: toothpaste is a great gift for Christmas. The Metuchens, like so many other Americans, were hoping to take advantage of huge discounts many retailers were offering on Black Friday. But after a few hours of waiting, Lori had a thought. “I thought, ‘Wait a second here. Why am I waiting in this huge line, at four in the morning or whatever, when I can get my kids toothpaste and not have to wait in any line at all?’ And once I said that to my husband, it was, like, a light went on. It doesn’t cost a lot. It’s practical. You can get it anywhere. It was a no-brainer at that point. And I was freezing my petunias off, anyway.”

The Metuchens have three children, and were waiting in line to get each one a different electronics item. However, the Metuchens don’t have as much money as they did in years past. Lori was laid off from her part-time receptionist job, and the textile company Joe works for cut his health benefits nearly in half, meaning that much more must come out of pocket. So, Lori says, in the middle of waiting to run into the Best Buy and grab an iPod or two, she realized there was one gift she hadn’t thought of, and it was both cost-effective and readily available. “This guy next to me in line, he kept talking to me,” Lori said. “And his breath was just god-awful. It was like someone killed a skunk, chopped it up, put oregano inside it, stitched it back up, and then put the skunk in this guy’s esophagus. And that, I guess, made me think of toothpaste.” Lori and Joe quickly left the Best Buy line and went straight to a 99 cent store, where they picked up several tubes of toothpaste for 99 cents each. “Heck, you know, the kids might even get more than one tube,” Lori said. “You never know.”

Across the country in Carlsbad, California, Roslyn Hober had a remarkably similar realization while looking through a circular on Thanksgiving day. “I was planning on going and waiting in line on Friday morning, like a lot of my friends were going to do,” Roslyn said. “But then in the same newspaper was another circular with a special on toothpaste. And it just hit me like a punch in the gut – Why didn’t I think of that before? It’s the perfect gift.”

Roslyn bought five tubes of toothpaste, which she says takes care of her husband, her two children and her father. “Now, I’m pretty much done with my Christmas shopping, which feels great” she said. “And I drove by some of those stores Friday morning and saw people in line, and I thought, ‘So silly. So, so silly. Right across the street is a Rite-Aid with plenty of toothpaste, and here you are waiting in line for a stupid television. And for that thousand dollars or whatever, do you get fresher breath? No. You don’t. You get the same old breath you had before.'”