Obama Fails to Keep Country Safe From Dick Cheney

Washington – President Barack Obama has said his first priority is to keep the American people safe. While he has kept them safe from attacks from terrorist organizations and other foreign entities thus far, he has not been able to keep them safe from the man who is perhaps the administration’s fiercest enemy – former Vice President Dick Cheney. Mr. Obama acknowledged as much in a press briefing today at the White House.

“I have to look at it honestly and objectively, and when I do that, I see that I haven’t done the job,” the president said. “Vice President Cheney is still out there, speaking, scaring the bejeezus out of kids and nervous people everywhere, and I have to take some of the blame for that.”

Mr. Cheney has been on what has amounted to a media blitz of late, appearing on several television programs and making public speeches, attempting to defend harsh interrogation policies authorized by the Bush Administration. Americans have been exposed to Cheney far more often than some of them would like.

Jane Armster of Portland, Oregon said she thought the worst was over. “You know the election happened, and I thought, ‘Wow, he’s gone. Cheney’s really gone.’ And then here we are, what, a few months later, and he’s back. And he’s on TV all the time. He’s everywhere. It’s like he’s vice president all over again, except this time he has the energy to appear in public and talk all the time. It’s terrifying.”

Mike Mansher of Cleveland, Ohio said, “I feel like I’m in some kind of time warp or something. Like it’s 2003 again. And I hated 2003. I was dating this chick, and she was just a nightmare. Clingy, psycho. Hated my friends. So I don’t want to go back there again, thank you very much.”

Washington was abuzz this morning over a Washington Post report that Mr. Cheney is amassing a private army made up of thousands of paid soldiers ready to fight the U.S. military, if necessary. The former vice president is also named in separate Post story as “someone who expressed interest” in obtaining a black market nuclear weapon or the materials to make such a weapon by a Pakistani man in British custody who is awaiting trial on terrorism charges. The man, Ejaz Youseff, claims to have “extensive firsthand knowledge” of the nuclear weapons black market.

Lynne Headman, a spokeswoman in Mr. Cheney’s Washington, D.C. office, called both stories “flatly untrue.”

“Vice President Cheney has never pursued the purchase of a nuclear weapon,” Ms. Headman said. “And if he did, he would pay for it above board, fair and square and using the proper channels. Like he does with all his other weapons of mass destruction.”

Mr. Obama vowed to fight the forces of Mr. Cheney with new resolve, but said he won’t go beyond the rule of law.

“What I won’t do is torture, or do anything else that undermines the rule of law or goes against our founding principles,” he said. “We can defeat our enemies without sacrificing the moral authority that is our greatest currency. We can do that even against an enemy as formidable as Dick Cheney.”


White House Christmas: Cheney Gives Enriched Uranium Again

Washington – At Monday’s annual White House Christmas party, Vice President Dick Cheney surprised no one when he gave everyone on his gift list a block of enriched uranium. Enriched uranium is a vital component of nuclear weaponry. According to several people on Mr. Cheney’s list, he has given enriched uranium for the past five Christmases. He has not revealed publicly where the uranium was obtained, or when.

But some on Mr. Cheney’s list have grown tired of the gift, and would prefer something else. “I mean, every year it’s uranium. Uranium, uranium, uranium,” said a friend of Cheney’s who spoke on condition of anonymity, as he was not authorized to discuss the gifts he received from the vice president. “How much uranium can you put on the mantelpiece? I have pictures of my kids I want to put up. How about a picture frame, Mr. Vice President? How about anything other than uranium?”

And apparently, Christmas is not the only occasion for which Mr. Cheney will give the gift of uranium. When Mr. Cheney visited King Abdullah bin Abdul Al-Aziz of Saudi Arabia in 2007, he presented him with a block of enriched uranium. A stunned King Abdullah said simply, “Thanks.” Mr. Cheney has also given uranium as a wedding gift, a birthday gift and for the baptism of a friend’s child.

But the vice president defended his gift-giving. “No one has complained to me,” Cheney said. “And I think if you saw the reaction, the looks on the faces of people when I give them the uranium – after they put on the protective gloves, of course – you wouldn’t doubt how overjoyed they are to receive it as a gift. People love it. They can’t get it at Macy’s. They can’t go buy it. So it’s unique. It’s a great gift. Trust me. Rumsfeld used to give me plutonium every year, and I can assure you, I loved it each and every time.”

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the uranium, the thought behind it. I do,” the friend continued. “All I’m saying is that there are plenty of other gifts. For instance, we gave Dick and Lynne opera tickets this year. Isn’t that nice? Opera tickets? I think that’s a very nice gift. You know why? You can go watch it. It’s pleasurable. It’s a nice experience. What do you do with uranium? Sit on your couch and admire it? Call in the family, ‘Hey kids, let’s gather round and look at the uranium again’? No. I think not.”


Cheney Asks if He Can Be Secretary of Evil

Washington – Vice President Dick Cheney asked Vice President-elect Joe Biden of Delaware about the possibility of serving in the Obama administration as Secretary of Evil. The two men and their wives met at the White House Thursday. This morning, Biden told reporters about Cheney’s request.

“He just came out and asked me,” Biden said. “He just said, ‘Hey, Joe, what do you think about me in the adminsitration?’ And I said, ‘In what capacity?’ And he said, ‘I was thinking Secretary of Evil. You guys don’t have anyone like that right now.’ And I said, ‘No, we don’t, Dick. No, we don’t.’ And I told him I would certainly pass along his message to President-elect Obama and see what he says.”

Secretary of Evil has never been a cabinet-level position in any U.S. president’s administration. Experts said it was unlikely that Mr. Obama would create an entirely new post, especially one that would be filled by a member of the outgoing Bush administration.

Mr. Cheney could not be reached for comment, but President Bush, told of Mr. Cheney’s desire to serve in the Obama administration, said, “Oh, Secretary of Evil? Oh, he’d be great at that. That’s kind of what he is now. But what about me, though? I think I could help them, too. I’d be willing to serve, help out. Maybe, uh, maybe Secretary of Snacks or something. How about that? Do they have one of those?”


In Lab Tests, Anthrax Spores Die When Exposed to Cheney

Washington – In secret tests conducted in an underground laboratory, the mere presence of Vice President Dick Cheney rendered anthrax spores incapable of sustaining life. More tests are to be run later in the week as a way of determining whether the vice president’s aura or presence can be somehow distilled and put into a new vaccine to protect against infection.

“He just happened to be down there, below ground,” said Michael W. Bannister, one of the scientists from the National Institutes of Health who is administering the tests. “I’m not sure why, exactly. But we thought we saw him moving around in the shadows. And then he just came in the lab and asked if he could observe the testing. And suddenly these spores just started going crazy, and then abruptly died. We looked at each other and didn’t really know if we should believe it at first. But it was obvious: it was because the vice president was standing there.”

An aide to Mr. Cheney, speaking on the condition of anonymity, agreed with the assessment of Mr. Cheney’s power. “Well, see, now people might understand a little better that there’s no one else who can do what he can do,” the aide said. “You know how he shot his friend in the face that time when he was hunting? Well, that was because he was so inexperienced with the gun. Because he doesn’t have to use it. He doesn’t need a gun to kill deer, or ducks, or whatever it is. That’s what people didn’t understand about that whole thing. All he has to do is get close enough to them where they sense or feel his presence, and they just keel over and die. It’s amazing. And it doesn’t matter what kind of animal. Bears, lions, you name it. I mean, birds just dropping out of the sky. So I’m not surprised by the spore thing at all.”

The testing came about due to increased interest in anthrax infection and its effects, following the suicide last week of Bruce E. Ivins, a scientist at the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases, whom the FBI claim they were on the verge of indicting in the 2001 anthrax letters case. Senior members of the Bush administration ordered the tests Monday, to try to get a better handle on the science behind anthrax infections.

President Bush tried Tuesday to explain the testing, and why it was kept secret until being reported on by several news agencies. “Our number one goal is to protect the American people,” Mr. Bush said. “And we know now that these spores are dangerous. They’re very dangerous. They might look like they can’t do any harm. They’re just chocolate and marshmallows and graham crackers. They’re a tasty treat. How could that be dangerous? Well, I’m telling you now: don’t be fooled by the tastiness. They’re very, very dangerous, and they’re not to be toyed with.”


New FISA Bill Grants Cheney Unlimited Use of Your Cell Phone

Washington – Senate lawmakers today passed a bill to update the FISA law, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978. The bill contains an unusual amendment which grants Vice President Cheney unlimited use of every U.S. citizen’s cell phone. It also grants retroactive immunity to telecommunications companies, and allows the National Security Agency to listen in on Americans’ phone calls whenever there is a human being on either end of the call. The bill was sponsored by Sens. Kit Bond (R-MO) and Jay Rockefeller (D-WV), and passed by a vote of 68-29.

Asked about the bill’s odd amendment relating to Cheney, Rockefeller said, “Well, we needed to come up with a bill that the president would actually sign. And he’s given every indication, and so has the White House, that the only way he would sign it is if it contained the amendment that Cheney is granted access to every person’s cell phone. So we put it in. What can we do? I mean, look, he’s already listening anyway, you may as well just hand the guy the phone. What’s the big deal?”

Before the bill gets to President Bush, however, it will likely face opposition in the House of Representatives. Several Democrats have said they will do everything they can to block its passage, and some have threatened to filibuster. But Senate Majority leader Harry Reid says he hopes it doesn’t come to that. “I certainly hope they don’t filibuster,” Reid said. “I mean, the Republicans, they don’t like it when we make trouble. If we just go quietly along with what they say, they’re so much nicer to us. I love it when they’re like that. They joke around with me, treat me like a buddy. Slap my back and say hello. It’s so nice.”

President Bush said the bill’s passage is urgently needed to protect the nation from another terrorist attack. Speaking to reporters at the White House, Mr. Bush said, “This bill is vital for the protection of the people of this country. It contains provisions that allow us to do the things necessary to keep this country safe. And that includes the Vice President having access to your cell phone, if necessary. He will use that access to make sure you’re not calling an Al Qaeda member or some other radical terrorist or extremist. He may call some of the numbers, to make sure the person listed in your ‘contacts’ is actually the person they’re supposed to be, and not some impostor – some terrorist impostor intending to harm our great nation. And then, once he’s through, which shouldn’t be longer than a few days to a week at most, he’ll give the phone back. And don’t be surprised if all your information is erased, for example. Just know that whatever was done, it was done in the interest of our national security. Consider yourself a patriot. You’re a patriot, and your phone is a patriot, too. It gave of itself for our country. It gave that data. And that is the essence of patriotism. So, be proud of that phone. That little guy may have just saved your life. Tell it how thankful you are. Buy it a new case. Something soft and furry, that will keep it warm. You owe it that much.”