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National

Bush Leaves Country ‘Awesome’ Mix Tape

Washington – In his final act as president, George W. Bush presented the American people with what he called an “awesome” mix tape as a parting gift, on the day he left office. Mr. Bush told the American people, “This is not ‘goodbye.’ It’s ‘until we meet again’.” The tape was presented at a small morning ceremony at the White House, prior to the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. At that time, Mr. Bush was still the President of the United States.

“I leave you this tape, as a measure of my gratitude for allowing me to serve as your president for eight wonderful years,” Mr. Bush said in prepared opening remarks. “Many’s a time I thought you might impeach me, or worse, take to the streets in violent revolution. But you didn’t. You let me stay. And for that, I have pulled together as many classic songs as I could find, and put them all on one tape for you, the American people. Because you deserve only the best. The most classic classics. And that’s what these are.”

Mr. Bush then listed some of the songs he included on the tape. “‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ reminds me of the fact that I couldn’t be president without a country beneath me,” he said. “So, though it’s not the same as wind, it’s very similar and it makes my mind think of the same thing. It’s one of the four elements, anyway, the country. Because it’s land. A lot of it’s land.”

He continued, “‘I Believe I Can Fly,’ because I do. ‘I Will Always Love You,’ because I will. ‘My Heart Will Go On,’ for Cheney. Because somehow, his heart is still going on. Everyone knows it shouldn’t be, but doggone it if that little guy isn’t pumping away, working like crazy to get blood through that body. It’s amazing.

“And as a kind of change of pace, ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’ because I actually did let the dogs out most of the time, so I’m hoping you might think of me when you hear that song.

“Those are just some of the gems that are on here, and they’re for you,” said Mr. Bush, holding up the tape. “It is the least I can give you, after all our years together. But it is from the heart. Oh, that’s another one: ‘Straight From the Heart.’ If you can’t love Bryan Adams, you maybe just can’t love.”

Mr. Bush concluded, “So though we may part now, know that it’s not really goodbye, it’s ‘until we meet again.’ And until that time, when we meet again, you’ll have this tape. These songs. To remind you of me, and how wonderful our time was together. Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite ‘wonderful’ for some of you, some of the time. Or a lot of the time. Maybe it was just good most of the time. Or maybe it wasn’t good at all, any of the time. Maybe it was mediocre at best. Hopefully that’s not the case, but even if it is, you’ll still have these songs. To remind you of that time. To remind you of me. I love you, America. And I only made one copy of this thing, so you’ll have to share.”

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Politics

Bush Joins Obama Team as White House Handyman

Washington – President-elect Barack Obama announced today that President Bush will continue to work in the White House after Mr. Obama’s inauguration on January 20th – Mr. Bush will take over as White House Handyman. “He’ll fix various things that are in a state of disrepair in and around the White House,” Mr. Obama said at a joint press conference with Mr. Bush. “I thank him for his continued service to this country, and I think he’ll do a great job.” White House Handyman is not normally a position that requires an official announcement, but, Mr. Obama said, given Mr. Bush’s extraordinary resume, this case is obviously different.

Mr. Obama said Mr. Bush approached him about the position during a November meeting the two men had, when Mr. Obama and his wife, Michelle, were invited to the White House by Mr. Bush and First Lady Laura Bush. Mr. Obama said that following the meeting, as they walked to the door, Mr. Bush stopped him. “He said, ‘Hey, by the way, I don’t know if you have anybody in mind for Handyman yet, but it’s an important job. One that often gets overlooked. And I know someone who is a slam-bang fixit man if I do say so myself.’ And he pointed at himself with both thumbs. And he said, ‘This guy.'”

Mr. Bush said he realizes the move may be seen by many as a large-scale demotion, but that any perceptions of that kind don’t bother him. “I know what people may say,” Mr. Bush said. “‘Oh, it’s a step down, President to handyman. How can you do that? You must be crazy.’ You know, ‘You’re crazy, you’re crazy. Why are you so crazy? I wish you weren’t so crazy. You’re also not smart. You’re not a smart man. And you’re crazy.’ Things like that. Well, let me tell you, I don’t see anything crazy in putting your talents to use, whether it’s negotiating peace treaties or fixing a squeaky hinge. And I am one man who can fix a squeaky hinge with my eyes closed. Not that I would do it with my eyes closed, but you know what I’m saying. That hinge is no match for George W. Bush. That’s what I’m saying.”

Mr. Bush said he would start work immediately upon his return from a vacation, following the inauguration of Mr. Obama. He said he will waste no time fixing what needs to be fixed around the White House. “I already know there’s a loose doorknob on the toilet in the Master Bedroom,” he said. “So that’ll be number one. It’s loose because I took the screw out to use for a shelf in the bedroom. So I’ll just take the screw back out of the shelf again, and it’ll be fine.”

Mr. Obama turned to Mr. Bush and said, “But then the shelf won’t have a screw again.”

Mr. Bush looked at Mr. Obama for a moment and said, “What’s that now?”

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National

Bush Asks to Be Graded on a Curve

Washington – President Bush addressed the nation tonight to ask that history, and the American people, judge him “on a curve, to make things fair.” Mr. Bush’s address was seen on all three major networks, and included an acknowledgment that, “Many people see my presidency as being less than fantastic.” This comes just days after an Iraqi journalist hurled his shoes at Mr. Bush during a joint press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Al-Maliki.

In the address, Mr. Bush made his case for why he thinks his presidency should be judged on a curve. “In college, professors will sometimes grade a test based on a curve, often when the material is deemed to be too difficult, and the overall scores are very low,” Mr. Bush said, reading from prepared remarks. “Well, I urge you to see the presidency of the United States as the hardest test there is, especially for me, and realize that the scores I am to be given can only really be fair and reasonable when weighted properly. Therefore, I am asking to be graded on a curve.

“Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that we agree that it’s nearly impossible to get an A grade as a president. Maybe Washington, Lincoln, and a few others have done it, but let’s face it – I’m no Lincoln or Washington. Heck, I might not even be a Ford. So, in this case, the curve that might be applied would acknowledge that fact, and would make a B or a C grade what the A grade would have been. That’s basically how the curve works – what would have been a B or a C is now an A, and then the grades below that are judged relative to that ‘new A,’ so to speak. I…” Mr. Bush paused for a moment. “Whoa. I think my brain might’ve just flipped over and hung upside down for a few seconds. Anyway, so once you adjust the grade I might receive to that curve, a poor grade like a D or an F would become more like a C. And that’s really all I’ve ever asked for, is a C grade. You can ask anybody.”

Mr. Bush said he was not asking for an immediate decision on the matter. “Take some time, think about it,” he said. “Talk it over with your family, your friends. But when it comes time to grade me, you might think the way those college professors do, and grade relative to the difficulty of the exam, and the overall performance of the class. In this case, I’m the only one in the class, so the class did really poorly.”

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Politics

Bush Asks Obama if He Can Keep “Some of the Really Good Pens”

Washington – President Bush reportedly called President-elect Barack Obama today to ask if he would mind if Mr. Bush took “some of the really good pens – the nice, heavy ones, with the White House seal.” Mr. Bush told Senator Obama that he knows the tradition is for the pens to stay in the Oval Office for the next president, but Mr. Bush was hoping Mr. Obama would make an exception.

“I just tried to appeal to his generous side,” Mr. Bush told reporters following the phone call to Senator Obama. “And he was very generous. He told me I could take as many as I want. I mean, that’s awfully nice of him, but he might change his mind when he sees these pens. They’re absolutely fantastic. They probably write awfully good, too. I haven’t tried writing with them.”

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National

Bush Unlikely to Get White House Security Deposit Back

Washington – President Bush said he was “very disappointed” to learn that he will likely not be receiving any of the $3,000 security deposit he put down when he took over the White House in January of 2001. Mr. Bush said he had not expected to have the entire amount of the deposit returned, but was shocked to learn he would likely be receiving nothing at all.

Charles Lee, a spokesman for Anyuan Real Estate, the Chinese company which now owns the White House and leases it to the U.S. government, said the company could not return Mr. Bush’s deposit due in part to crayon drawings on several of the walls, most notably in the Oval Office.

“We found several drawings throughout the White House,” Mr. Lee told reporters. “Some were offensive, such as the many middle fingers on walls in various rooms. We found a half-eaten roast beef sandwich shoved into a hallway radiator, and damage to the springs and the base of the president’s bed in the Master Bedroom, apparently the result of someone jumping on it repeatedly. There was even a cartoon penis drawn on the wall in one of the bathrooms. As a result, it looks highly unlikely at this time that we will be able to return the deposit Mr. Bush gave us when we took over ownership in 2006.”

Sources say Mr. Bush would have received at least a portion of the $3,000, perhaps as much as $1,500, until an inspection last week revealed wads of bubble gum underneath nearly every desk in the White House.

“Okay, let me ask you this,” Mr. Bush said. “I’m chewing gum, right? Bubble gum. I’m blowing bubbles, enjoying myself. Well, Mary comes on the line and tells me I have a meeting with Pervez Musharraf in 5 minutes. So I keep chewing, figuring I have a good four minutes before I have to throw it out. Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I don’t get involved in whatever I’m reading, and that door opens and in walks Musharraf. Now, you’re me. What would you do? I’ll tell you what you do. You surreptitially take that gum out and put it under the desk. It’s your only choice. Otherwise you’re blowing bubbles in the President of Pakistan’s face. And trust me, he doesn’t like bubble gum.”

As for the drawings on the walls, Mr. Bush pointed out that he wasn’t drawing random pictures. “These were things related to the core issues of the day,” Mr. Bush said. “Pertinent things. They were maps of Iraq, budgets, names of leaders with little drawings of their faces, so I’d remember. Things like that. All right, there were a few middle fingers here and there. But come on. How funny is a middle finger? It’s the funniest thing in the world. You can’t resist it. No one can.”