Gonzales Shows Up at Justice Department Dressed as Mukasey

Washington – Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales showed up at the Robert F. Kennedy Department of Justice Building disguised as current Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey. Gonzales resigned as Attorney General in August, 2007. His goal in disguising himself as Mukasey was apparently to infiltrate the department in order to run it as he once had. The attempt was foiled when the first person Gonzales encountered, the security guard at the building’s front entrance, recognized him immediately.

“I said, ‘Mr. Gonzales, is that you?'” recalled Anthony Pelogrin, the security guard, who has worked at the Kennedy building for over 12 years. “And he tried to deny it. He said something like, ‘Alberto Gonzales? Why, no, my good man. I’m Michael B. Mukasey. Don’t you recognize me?’ And he had this weird voice that was, like, part Kermit the Frog, and part woman. It didn’t sound anything like Attorney General Mukasey. It sounded like Bette Davis, if you want to know the truth.”

Asked to describe the way in which Gonzales attempted to disguise himself, Pelogrin said, “Well, he had dyed his hair white, and put on different glasses. But, I mean, that was it. He just looked like himself with white hair. It wasn’t…it wasn’t really a strong disguise.”

Gonzales was detained briefly by the security staff, and then released. Reached at his home hours after his release, Gonzales denied impersonating Mr. Mukasey. “Me impersonate him? Why would I impersonate him?” Gonzales said. “If anything, he’s impersonating me. Every day he sits there and pretends to be Attorney General, when the real Attorney General is here… in his kitchen. That’s who’s impersonating. Mr. Michael Mukasey is impersonating. And he’s doing a piss-poor job of it, too, if I may say so. He doesn’t look the least bit Latino.”

Pelogrin said he harbors no ill will toward Gonzales. “No, I wish this whole thing had never happened,” Pelogrin said. “I always liked Mr. Gonzales. He was always nice to me. But it was frustrating that he wouldn’t just say who he was, even though it was obvious that we knew. We pulled him into the holding room, and he just kept saying things like, ‘Boy, are you boys going to be sorry when you realize I’m Michael Mukasey.’ And at one point, I just said, ‘Look, Mr. Gonzales, before anyone else gets here, just drop the act and talk to me. I’m your friend here.’ But he just kept up with it. He said, ‘Oh, drop the act, eh? Drop the act? What act would that be, being Michael B. Mukasey, the current Attorney General of the United States? Because that’s the only part I play, my young friend. That’s the only role I know.’ It was all really weird. He’s saying all this stuff, trying to fool us, and he sounds like Bette Davis and looks like he strapped a raccoon to his head.”


Bush Asks NASA Engineers to Transport Him Back to 2002

Washington – President Bush asked the top NASA administrator if his team of engineers could “get me back to 2002, like maybe January.” Mr. Bush is apparently longing for the days earlier in his presidency, specifically the months following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, when his approval rating hovered around 80%. He is currently wildly unpopular. In a June Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg Poll, only 23% of Americans said they approved of the job he was doing.

“I would say the early part of 2002 would work best,” Mr. Bush is reported to have said during the conversation with Administrator of NASA Michael D. Griffin. “It’s not 2001, when it was so crazy, and it’s before Iraq and everything. So that would work great. January, 2002. I was so popular then. It was so nice.”

At the White House today, Mr. Bush was asked about his conversation with Mr. Griffin. “I asked whether the guys–Mike and his guys–if they could see about doing something as far as getting me back there,” Mr. Bush said. “I said, ‘I don’t see how it would be that big a deal. We can rewind tapes and things like that all the time. Why not the presidency?’ I mean, a lot of it’s on video anyway, so… Seems kind of close to me. Just…maybe build a giant rewind button. Out of…something. I don’t know. Something big. And then you can just hit the button. I’m not an engineer, but it seems like it should work.”

For his part, Mr. Griffin, who is a physicist and an aerospace engineer, was politely skeptical of the likelihood of transporting Mr. Bush to a different period in history. “I would never say it’s not theoretically possible to travel back in time, or forward in time for that matter,” Mr. Griffin said when reached by telephone. “I would never say that it won’t ever happen. But the fact is, we aren’t there yet. I mean, I understand the president’s wishes, and I admire him very much, but some things are just… They occur in science fiction books and the like because that’s basically what they are, is fiction.”

Mr. Bush acknowledged what he called “the perceived difficulty” of time travel. “Well, yeah, I’ve heard how hard it is, just like everybody else,” he said. “And, you know, I just don’t see it. Just hook some wires up to the thingee or whatever. I mean, are you telling me these guys can get a little car with a camera on it all the way to Mars and they can’t get me six years back in time? It doesn’t make any sense. I’m not asking to go to 1512 or something. 2002. It’s in the two-thousands. It’s recent.”


Gonzales Keeps Prank-Calling White House

Washington – Over the past several weeks, White House Switchboard Chief Operator Mary Brontson says the switchboard has received up to a dozen prank calls a day from former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “I know he may be unhappy about not being Attorney General any more, and maybe he’s lonely or doesn’t have much to do or something like that,” Mary said, “But we have work to do. Important calls to take. We can’t be tied up answering prank calls from Mr. Gonzales all day.”

gonzales at home

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales with the telephone he uses to prank-call the White House.


Report: Administration Misled in Run-up to Lying

Washington – A Senate panel this week released a report which says the Bush administration misled Americans in the run-up to the lying to Americans that took place shortly thereafter. “There is ample proof that members of the administration misled the American public prior to its future lying to that same American public,” the report states. “Then, after the lying there was another round of misleading, but that is the subject of a separate report. There’s only so much untruth we can analyze at one time.”


Barney Regularly Consulted on Foreign Policy Matters

Washington – Newly-released documents reveal that Barney, one of President Bush’s two dogs, has been regularly consulted on issues of foreign policy and international relations, often being relied on for advice that is said to have been valued by Bush “as much as advice from Vice President Cheney.” The documents consist mainly of minutes from White House meetings and were obtained in a Freedom of Information Act request by the group People for Greater Ethics in Washington.

“What these documents show is that President Bush has had another main confidant, if you will, besides Vice President Cheney,” said Nelson Riegel, a researcher with the group. “In this case, that confidant is a Scottish Terrier.”

The White House was forced to address the issue on Saturday. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino was barraged with questions at a hastily-convened press briefing. Reporters wanted to know what expertise Barney has, and how it is he could be relied on for expert advice of any kind.


“Well, it may sound odd to those of you in the press, but Barney is, in fact, an expert on foreign policy matters,” Perino said. “He has been present during many high-level talks between the president and several of his top advisers. Many talks. He’s been there, chewing on that…thing he chews on. So, some may want to exclude certain types of, uh, experts from the discussions, but we don’t exclude in this administration. We include. We include many different types of expertise, from many different sources. So, yes, he may not be an expert in the ‘traditional’ sense, a human being who went to a fancy college, or served as an ambassador or something like that. His experience is different. Because…because he’s a dog. But we value that experience. The president values that experience. He values it so much, in fact, that he’s sure to give Barney one of those little bone-shaped biscuits he likes if he contributes something really useful.”

Members of the White House press corps were not appeased. They continued to confront Perino with questions about the matter, even as she urged them to move on to a different topic.

“How do they communicate, for God’s sake?” asked David Gregory of NBC.

“Well, David, if you’ve ever tried to communicate with a dog, you know that they use barking as their main form of communication,” Perino replied.

“I’m aware of that, yes.”

“Well, they–President Bush and Barney–have developed a system whereby the president understands, based on the number of barks, whether Barney is answering in the affirmative or in the negative,” Perino explained.

“So, so, like, for instance,” Gregory persisted, over the shouts of other reporters hoping to follow up on his question. “So the president says, for instance, ‘Barney, do you think military action against Iran is a good idea?’ And if Barney barks twice, that’s a yes?”

“No, David. No,” Perino scoffed. “Don’t be silly. Please. Two barks is a maybe. Three is a yes.”

Gregory then asked, “And is it the White House’s position, the president’s position, that this is a good idea, a good way to determine foreign policy?”

Perino squinted and said, “Uh, if the alternative is negotiating with terrorists, then yes, it is a good idea. It’s a fantastic idea, in fact.”

Later in the day President Bush was also confronted about the matter. Mr. Bush, in Egypt for a meeting with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, was asked by reporters to explain his working relationship with Barney. “Well, Barney has been with me a long time,” Bush said. “And I value his judgment. I value it very much. You know, some people might say, ‘He’s not an expert. He’s a dog.’ And that’s just not true. I mean, it is true that he’s a dog, it’s not true that he’s not an expert. He is an expert. Anyone who’s talked to him about these issues, foreign policy issues, so on, they’re amazed at his depth of understanding, his…his ability to grasp complex situations. Even with his…that tiny dog brain he has. I’m telling you, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a bigger brain. A human-sized brain or something. Although, I guess that would be tough, since his head is so small.”

After a confused silence, Mr. Bush continued, “Look, I do things differently than other people. You should all know that by now. I do things differently than other presidents might do it. Other presidents might have a whole group of experienced, highly-educated foreign policy experts that they rely on whenever these kinds of questions come up. I have a dog that I rely on. So it’s the same thing. But different in a way, too. I mean, I can see how it’s different. But is it better or worse? I mean, who’s to say?”