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News Feature

What Else Does Bob Gates’ Memoir Reveal?

In a forthcoming memoir, former Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he feels President Obama lost faith in his own war strategy in Afghanistan, and that Vice President Joe Biden has been, in Gates’ opinion, “wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades.” Gates served as Defense Secretary under both President George W. Bush and Obama.

Here are some other notable revelations from the memoir:

  • Bush is Actually Taller than Obama
  • When There’s a War, Sometimes People Get Killed
  • Although Biden is Almost Always Wrong on Foreign Policy, He’s “100% Right” on What to Order from the Chinese Place
  • Bill Clinton Makes All Policy Decisions in the Obama Administration
  • Whenever Bush is Asked a Question He Doesn’t Know the Answer to, He Responds, “I’m the Decider.”
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World

Biden Keeps Challenging World Leaders to Arm-Wrestle

Washington – Vice President Joe Biden has alarmed President Barack Obama and other members of the Obama administration in recent days by offering to arm-wrestle each world leader that has come to meet with the president, according to sources who attended the meetings.

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Business/Economy

Obama Asks Biden How $10 Million for Skittles Got Into Budget

Washington – During a closed-door meeting Sunday, President Barack Obama asked Vice President Joe Biden what he knew about how a provision allocating $10 million to the purchase of Skittles, a popular candy, made its way into Mr. Obama’s proposed budget. The two men had just given a press briefing regarding health care initiatives, and an active microphone was left behind in the room. Therefore, a portion of the meeting was recorded.

“Joe, I’m just going to ask you flat out,” Mr. Obama is heard saying. “Did you put that provision in there? The Skittles thing?”

“Me? No. No way, Chief,” Biden said. “I would never.”

“Well, someone put it in there, Joe. And it wasn’t me.”

“Well, you know, now that you mention it,” Biden said, “I did see [Chief of Staff Rahm] Emanuel looking through the budget pretty intently. And he had a kind of look in his eye. Like maybe he wanted to do something. You know?”

“Uh huh,” Mr. Obama replied.

“Plus, plus, I happen to know he has a huge sweet tooth. Emanuel. Like a junkie with the candy and stuff like that. Can’t get enough.”

“Joe, you have Skittles in your pocket right now,” Mr. Obama pointed out. “They’re falling out. I can see them.”

“What, these? Oh, yeah, but I’m… I’m holding these for him. For Emanuel. They’re not mine,” Biden said. “See, that’s what I’m saying. He stashes this stuff everywhere!”

“Joe, this is just really sad,” Mr. Obama said. The microphone was apparently discovered at that point, and switched off or taken from the room. The last audible snippet is Mr. Biden saying, “Mr. President, if I was going to eat any candy, it’d be the Charleston Chew. Now, that’s a candy.” But a White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter, said that he believes Mr. Biden did eventually confess to inserting the provision into the budget.

“My assumption is that Vice President Biden must have broken down and admitted what he did at some point,” the aide said. “The president can be very persistent. But beyond that, everyone knew it was Joe, because the slip of paper he inserted into the budget document still had the ‘From the Desk of Joe Biden’ thing at the top of it. So it wasn’t really a tough case to crack.”

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National

Biden Pushing for Inaugural Moon Bounce

Washington – For several days now, Vice President-elect Joe Biden has been lobbying members of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies to include as part of the official swearing-in ceremony a moon bounce, an inflatable structure that people can enter and bounce up and down in. So far, there has been no ruling by the committee regarding Biden’s request.

“We have not come to a decision on the, the moon bounce as yet,” said Senator Diane Feinstein of California, chair of the committee. “We have explained to Vice President-elect Biden, however, that at this late date, it may not be logistically possible to include such a–a, uh, item in the festivities. Everything’s in place already, and has been for some time now.”

“Well, I just think it would be fantastic to have one of those,” Biden said. “Have you seen them? They’re amazing. You go inside–No, first you take off your shoes. Then you go inside. And you know what you do then? You bounce around like a crazy person! Isn’t that fantastic? You just let it all go and jump up and down like you’re on some kind of powerful combination of drugs. It’s fantastic.”

Biden suggests having the moon bounce somewhere near the steps of the Capitol, where the swearing in of both he and Mr. Obama will take place. “I don’t know, like up behind the swearing in somewhere,” Biden said. “It doesn’t have to detract from the actual ceremony. It could be tasteful. But I mean, wouldn’t that be great, though, to have senators and congressmen and people from the crowd bouncing up and down while Barack’s taking the oath of office? I think it’d be wild. I’ll tell you right now, if they agree and put one of those things there, right after I get sworn in, my shoes are coming off and I am so in that thing, it’s not even funny.”

Asked whether he was aware that inflatable structures like the moon bounce are typically meant for children, Biden said, “Children? Oh, no, I don’t think so. I don’t know where you got that information from, but, I mean, for instance, we’ve had one in the Senate chamber for years now, and there’s no kids in there. There’s just a bunch of fun-loving senators who love taking off their shoes and jumping up and down like maniacs. By the way, do you know there’s also a little hole you can jump through to get out, and you go down a slide?! Can you believe that?!”

Categories
Politics

Biden Quits Race Because He Can’t See Russia From Delaware

Scranton, PA – Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden made a stunning announcement during a campaign stop today that he is leaving the race, effective immediately, “because I just have to face up to the fact that I’m not qualified for this position. I can’t see Russia from my state. What business do I have being Vice President?”

Several members of the visibly stunned crowd gasped audibly, and several yelled, “No!” Biden responded calmly, saying, “I know you’re disappointed. I am, too. But all I can see from my house is the Kozinsky’s yard, and their stupid dog, and that just isn’t good enough. Not in these troubled times.”

Senator Barack Obama, the head of the Democratic ticket, was saddened by Biden’s announcement. “I’ll miss Joe terribly, and I was honored to campaign with him,” Obama said. “But when you consider the fact that he can’t see Russia from Delaware, it’s hard to argue against his decision. It is almost an unspoken prerequisite for a vice president – Can I see Russia from my state? If the answer’s no, I think you do have to ask yourself how ready you are.”

Reporters pointed out to Biden his decades of foreign policy experience, his dealings with foreign heads of state, international politics and the like. Biden said none of that makes any difference. “Don’t you see?” Biden asked. “It just doesn’t matter. All that crap. The point is, can I see Russia or not? And the answer is, no I can’t. I tried. I stood on a chair in my kitchen and looked out the highest part of the window. I even went up on the roof. But no luck. When I came back in, I looked at Jill and I told her, ‘I can’t do this to the American people. They deserve better.'”