Secret Service: We Should Maybe Think About Locking the Doors

Washington – Against a backdrop of media reports which reveal the man who entered the White House earlier this month got further into the official dwelling than was originally reported, Secret Service Director Julia Pierson sent a memo to her staff where she suggested, among other things, “It might be time for us to take a look at locking the White House doors. Just spitballing here.” A copy of the memo was made available to The National Protrusion.

Omar J. Gonzalez, 42, scaled the exterior fence and entered the building through the open North Portico entrance. He was in possession of a knife.

Original reports indicated that Mr. Gonzalez was stopped just inside the North Portico entrance, but officials have now revealed that that Mr. Gonzalez in fact made it all the way through the East Room, after besting a female agent who confronted him when he first entered the building.

Ms. Pierson’s memo does not address the discrepancy in the reports or even the fact that Mr. Gonzalez made it so far inside the White House, but rather that me made it inside at all.

“I’m aware of the going theory,” she writes, “that we wouldn’t have to lock the doors because of the manpower and sheer volume of agents we have on the White House grounds. However, in light of recent events, it seems kind of odd to me that, should someone make it to the doors of the dwelling, they can in fact just open them and go inside.”

The memo continues, “This is something we might want to look at.”

Ms. Pierson also used the memo to remind the men and women under her command of their first duty.

“Let me reiterate at this point that your main objective should be keeping people out of the White House,” she writes. “That may be obvious to some of you, but I thought I would just mention it here, so as to stave off any potential misunderstanding.”


Obama: Snowden Can Make His Case in Court, Like Any Other Guilty Traitor

Washington – During a press conference Monday, President Obama denied that former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, the leaker of classified information regarding U.S. government surveillance programs, was a patriot or a hero, and pointed out that the 29-year-old systems administrator had other, “more reasonable” options, besides leaking details of the programs to journalists.

The president was responding to a question from Chuck Todd of NBC News, and he was unequivocal in his denouncing of Snowden’s decisions, including his accepting a year-long offer of temporary asylum in Russia, where he now resides.

“Edward Snowden is not a patriot or a hero, in my book,” the president said. “There are other avenues he could have taken. He could have come back here, to the United States, and faced the charges against him, like any other traitor to this nation, whom we know to be guilty. He would have let us incarcerate him without due process in a Supermax prison, where he would likely be stripped of his clothes, put in solitary confinement, and denied any of the basic rights that most human beings enjoy, including the right to privacy. He would have had no right to visitors and only occasional consultations with an attorney. He would have been given something approximating a trial, and quickly found guilty of the crimes we already know he committed, with the result of probably being incarcerated for the rest of his natural life in horrible conditions. Now, why he chose a different path, I can’t say, but he did.”

Snowden has not commented on Obama’s remarks, though his specific whereabouts in Russia are unknown at this time and it may be exceedingly difficult for him to make any public statements.

At another point in the press conference, Obama admitted there was “tension” with Russian President Vladimir Putin over his refusal to extradite Snowden to the United States and instead offer him asylum. This even after a letter from Attorney General Eric Holder to Russia’s minister of justice, which said, in part, “Seriously, we’re not going to kill him. You can totally send him back.”

Asked if Snowden was “brave,” Obama denied that, as well.

“If his conscience bothered him and he thought what was going on was wrong, before he chose to break the law, he could have gone to the proper authorities and told them what he thought was wrong,” Obama said. “He would have been ignored, or fired, or possibly charged with some unrelated crime and discredited, maybe disgraced in some sex scandal created out of whole cloth by the CIA, but he could have done it, and it would have been the right thing to do. And that’s the point.”

Obama was also asked if Snowden had reason to be concerned about his treatment in light of the finding of the UN special rapporteur on torture related to the treatment of PFC Bradley Manning, who was convicted of leaking troves of classified documents and other information to WikiLeaks. The U.N. rapporteur found the U.S. guilty of cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of Manning, who was held in solitary confinement for almost a year, and stripped of his clothes on several occasions.

“I don’t think that’s relevant at all,” Obama said. “They’re different people. It’s apples and oranges. No, it’s even more different than that. It’s apples and Cadillacs.”


Obama Meets with Bank Executives to Ask for Better Pin Number

Washington – President Barack Obama met with the CEOs of some of the nation’s major banks at the White House to ask them for a better pin number for various personal accounts of his. According to meeting participants, the president said he was unhappy with his current pin numbers, which he called “run-of-the-mill and random.”

“I was assigned the pin by the bank, like everyone else,” the president is quoted as saying to Vikram Pandit, CEO of Citibank, by a participant in the meeting. Mr. Obama holds a savings account with Citibank. “And then when I tried to change it, to 44-1600 — because I’m the 44th President of the United States and I work at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I was told that pin number was taken by some guy named Larry in Connecticut. Now, I’m fairly certain Larry isn’t the President of the United States. So, I’m also fairly certain that it won’t be a problem to work this out.”


Obama Names Larry Brillstein Secretary of Panic

Washington – President Obama announced his appointment of Larry Brillstein as Secretary of Panic at the White House Thursday afternoon. The new secretary, if confirmed, will oversee all fear and anxiety-related programs operated by the federal government. It is a cabinet-level position.

“Today I announce one of my most important appointments,” Mr. Obama said in prepared remarks. “Larry Brillstein will bring to this position the same level of paranoia and overreaction that he has brought to every job he has held so far in his life – one of which he lost due to an anxiety attack which occurred in front of customers.”

Mr. Obama said he chose to create the position, the first of its kind, because the country is in a “particularly heightened state of anxiety,” with the economic downturn, two wars being waged simultaneously, and most recently nuclear tests on the part of North Korea and missile tests on the part of Iran.

“This is a nerve-wracking time,” he said. “And who better to guide us through it than a man who once made and canceled the same doctor’s appointment eight times, because he was too scared to go? I am certain Larry is the right man for this job.”


Obama Tells Graduates to Lower Expectations

President Obama delivered the commencement address at San Diego State University today, and told graduates to “tamp down those lofty expectations,” in order to not be greatly disappointed later in life. Many members of the audience seemed confused, offering only lukewarm applause when Mr. Obama was finished speaking.

“This is not a time to be a dreamer,” Mr. Obama said. “This is a time for pragmatism, realism. Could you be a doctor, a lawyer, a famous person who changes the world? Perhaps. In some great accident of chance, perhaps. But in the real world, nine out of ten of you can’t do more than hold down a job in middle management. Admitting that to yourselves now will save you and your family a whole lot of heartbreak down the road.”